Depressive Thoughts - Psychology

in busy •  19 days ago

Greetings Steemian's,

I hope you're all well today. Psychology is intriguing to me, and has always been something I enjoy studying in my spare time. It's my belief, that anyone with a solid conceptual understanding of human psychology, is always a bit objective to different aspects of the psychology/social science(s). After all, no two humans are biologically identical, unless they are identical twins, and even identical twins will have very different psychological attributes.

At one point in my life, I desired to become a psychologist. Later on, I determined that my desire to understand psychology, was actually an inherent desire to fix my own issues.

Throughout the course of my adult life, I've come to realize, that understanding different aspects of your disorders can help a bit, but it takes more than just understanding. It takes work, and it's work that must take on a spiritual aspect in my humble opinion.

Psychology is a huge area of study, and even a licensed psychologist will tell you, that a good psychologist never stops learning!

There are even ways psychology can be used in a very malevolent manner. It can be used to manipulate others for the worse, and it can also be used to seduce. I won't list any literature's that exist on the topic, because I don't agree with these types of behavior's; which is exactly how I see them, behaviors employed, through the use of the mind, to gain advantage over others. It's a realistic aspect to psychology, and many people employ these tactics without even realizing it. I choose to focus on aspects of psychology which promote healing of oneself, and others. Knowledge is power, and comes with great moral responsibility.

So why am I choosing to speak on the topic to begin with? Well, because no matter how much you know about psychology, when you suffer from mental illness/disorder(s), grounding yourself in the moment can be a real chore, sometimes even a seeming impossibility.

Today I'm dealing with some pretty extreme depression. This is something that seems to affect me less than other issues I have, but it's also influenced dramatically when you deal with bi-polar disorder. Compound it with PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and you have yourself a real merry-go-round of a life.



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I've learned how to manage my symptoms in work environments pretty well, due to lack of choice. I can show up on a job, and be a real cheerful fellow, while actually hurting quite deeply, or feeling very sad/anxiety ridden/ect. Is this deceptive? Absolutely, but it has a genuine intent, which is to provide a sense of pleasantness around others, as to not "rub off" onto them, or ruin their day in any capacity. Most would likely agree this is a normal human function, and not see it as a bad thing. In fact, it's pretty noble in my opinion.

Of course, when you get to know another human being, on a personal level, behind closed doors, you learn that it isn't all rose petals and rainbows. Futuremind's closest friends, have seen me in some pretty rough states, and the one's who have stuck around, will likely be my friends for life. I'm loyal to a fault.

Being loyal to a fault, comes with consequences, oh yes it does, because if you, the reader, share this commonality, you are probably nodding your head in agreement when I express just how painful it is to give someone your loyalty and trust, and watch them suddenly beat feat on you. Yeah, that usually incites a bit of anger with me, at least in the beginning.

So what does this have to do with my depression today? Quite a bit actually, because it's what I recognize to be driving it.

Now before I express some free-flowing thoughts, (generally how I write), I'll say, there are many different types of depression. You have (off the top of my head), depressions like:

  • Manic Depression
  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Persistent Depressive Disorder
  • Atypical Depressive Disorder
  • Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
  • Situational Depressive Disorder
  • Peripartum Depression (Postpartum)
  • Psychotic Depressive Disorder
  • Bi-Polar Disorder (Depression is part of this disorder)

And probably a few more I'm not thinking of.

My depressive moods generally are influenced by bi-polar swings, but not always. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere, and luckily for me, it's not something that lasts very long in my case. I generally stay in a heightened state of alertness, driven by anxiety, which is influenced by PTSD; hence the merry-go-round. Quite a plethora, and getting to the root, in a non-judging, realistic fashion, is critical, at least for me. I've made some significant strides, but it's non-stop work, and there have been "backslides" at times.

My depression as I type this, is driven by lost friends, and lost family. Not all the friends I've had relationships with , but the one's who abandoned ship when I had crossed the point of no return "so to speak", when futuremind's undying loyalty kicked in. There is a special group of people, who will run away from you, or figure out a way to manipulate your words, create a drama, ect, as a means to bail. Why? It's only my opinion, but perhaps it's because they are afraid of something, perhaps it is because they do not truly love themselves, and maintain an inability to love others. I do not know, but these types plague my mind, in the worst possible way, but the thoughts are driven by the pain of being hurt. It's akin to be violated in one way or another.

Obsessive thought patterns/OCD is not something I am diagnosed with, but I'm a complicated person. I'm not sure the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition is working in my favor. As I stated earlier, people are complex creatures, and no two are alike. I probably have some form of OCD, un-diagnosed. At this point, could really give a shit about diagnosing. I know myself, and that is what is truly important.

So I do think about these lost relationships quite often. Sometimes the thoughts are pervasive. Sometimes I am able to push them away and refocus, other days, it's not so easy for me.

I would like to believe that the one's whom I started to become close with and bailed, were good people; in what I would opinion as a good person. I try not to judge, but would be fooling only myself to think there isn't some internal judging going on , of course. The decisions of others is a reflection on themselves, more so than myself. People make decisions based on selfish intent, more often than not, whether they think so or not. It's part of who and what we are as a species. We're competitive for just about everything in our existence, right down to our sexual drives/desires, to our status in the community(s), and how we look. There are so many superficialities that we feel are of intrinsic importance, when really, so much of it is shallow. This is a collective sense I'm referring to, many people are not driven by some of our more primitive motivators, and I'm not just talking about the Steem blockchain for anyone who might be internalizing or confused.

I've lost friends in this space as well, and it's really not important to internalize it down to "who's fault" it was in these scenarios. We are all different in how we think, and it takes two to tango, so the few I've lost in this space that I've given loyalty to, and chose to walk the other way, oh well.. The sad part to me, will be if I ever have to cross paths with them in real life, because I've learned that it can be sad, when you meet someone who you thought was someone else, and then the reality turns out to be anything but. I have a pretty intense gaze, thousand yard stare some would call it, and others might say it's flat out intimidating and scary at times. Would I still offer a hug and a handshake to those who've hurt me? Sure I would, I'm not a major asshole, even though I've been known to take on that trait. I have a heart, and being hurt sometimes harbors the side effect of anger.

So how am I dealing with this depression of lost friends today?

Well, not very well, but I chose to write about it, because writing helps me kind of sort things out and put everything into perspective. It's effective at times, but not always. Depression really gives it to me, in that I become very self defeating, and start thinking I'm a major screw up that can't keep people in my life. The bottom line is that I'm a very different person, and only align with a select few. This is ok, because me and those select few get along great, and we understand things about ourselves and others, that many don't grasp on a deep level.

It's not easy letting go of old friendships, and it's not easy dealing with depressive thoughts associated to old friendships that died in bad way, and not all of them die in a bad way either. Some people just drift away, for whatever reason. I've met some pretty cool folks that I thought I was developing good friendships with, and they just slipped away, stopped talking to me or answering me, and hey, I can take a hint... So it's cool, but it still affects me. The online scene especially can screw with your head at times, because some of us become emotionally attached to social circles, and even social media platforms themselves.

Being that we're all different, one might say "damn futuremind, I totally get it dude", and another might say, "oh you poor thing... get over it..." Both are ok to think, because diversity is what makes us what we are, and it also makes for some really interesting observations.

I also exercised today, and ate a low amount, but very healthy meal. Two areas I am working on in my life. Futuremind wants to get back into shape and make his muscles giant again, as well as maintain a healthy diet. Do I believe I can do it? No, I know I can, because I've already defied any semblance of logic. I've beaten odds and statistics in many areas of my life. So hey.. Let's just do this thing we call life, and give it our best shot.

A positive note to end this on, would be, for all the people who've left me, in one capacity or another, I'm always meeting new and amazing people. I'm an introverted guy who likes to live alone, and has chosen celibacy during the past two years of my healing process. It's what I need to do for me. So much of my social interactions are with people I meet online, and you guys bring just as much joy into my life, as real "in person" experiences, because despite the fact that we're not in the flesh while talking, this is still a very real thing we're doing here. So it's just as important to me to maintain healthy and positive relationships here, as it is when I'm maintaining relationships in the flesh.

Some might wonder how an introvert could be so affected by relationships..? That is an interesting cognition indeed. I'm glad you're thinking about these things. Perhaps I'll touch on that another time. Personalities are pretty complicated, but interesting form of psychology/social science as well, and it plays a big part in how we communicate with others, as well as the way we view our relationships, and the values we associate to them.

This concludes my thoughts on Depression. Feel free to express any thoughts or disagreements. I'm always happy to debate, so long as it's the kind of debate which maintains respect and politeness.

Thank you for reading.



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I completely understand what you are going through as a Veteran with PTSD Anxiety Disorder, manic Depression, nightmares the whole 9 yards. I am also on a heavy regiment of medication from the Veterans Affairs which only have over the month made symptoms worse. Suicidal Thoughts—> plans is not me. Reached out to a “friend” that I thought would come at some point to have someone outside of my wife to speak to because she can only take so much before she cries. And to no surprise this “friend” didn’t show come through. Im falling down a pit with no life branches to grab.

I want you to know your not alone

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Thank you for expressing your struggles to me @veteranforcrypto

I went through some MAJOR insanity while enjoying the cocktails the VA prescribed me in the past. They still try to get me to take them. I will not. I would advise getting some THC/CDB into your life to help with the symptoms. Obviously this isn't medical advice, as I'm not a doctor of any kind, but I know the experience I had with mental health meds, and I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. I don't care who agree's or disagrees on this one. I know full well the shit these chemicals can do to one's perception. They compounded my issues while on them.

You're not alone either. When ever I'm online, if I receive a message from you, or any of my other friends who are struggling with things, I will stop what I'm doing to be with you in crisis. Hang in there brother, and don't hesitate to message me on discord if need be.

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Yes THC so far about to pick up my first CBD tomorrow, been waiting for payday to get my stock replenished from the pharmacist lmao, but thank you for the comfort that there is another branch I may catch in this bottomless pit.

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Yeah, I can't afford THC bud based product, and coming off of it suddenly, influences bi-polarity that is actually dangerous for me, because I just start flipping the hell out and thinking illogically.

So, I'm gonna order some CBD based products myself. Not really thrilled about the idea of getting a lab-based product, without seeing exactly how it's made, and exactly what is put into it, but I've been known to be a gambling man in the past, and it's difficult for me to believe that it's anymore risky than pharma's, so we'll see what happens.

...just how painful it is to give someone your loyalty and trust, and watch them suddenly beat feat on you. Yeah, that usually incites a bit of anger with me, at least in the beginning.

The issue of Trust is fascinating. There seems to be an intellectual and an emotional component to the issue of 'trusting' someone or something. Anger arises from the 'betrayal' of this 'trust'. I've experienced it so anyhow.

I now accept that I cannot really 'trust' anyone else in the sense that I can never be guaranteed that they will not act in a way that makes this 'trust' feel betrayed within me. In fact, it is very often the case that my feelings have been hurt tremendously and I have felt this 'betrayal'. I also know that I have 'hurt and offended' others in similar ways that I can only very vaguely grasp. Since I cannot guarantee with any honesty that I will feel the same way/ have the same attitude as I do today, in the future, I cannot with Honesty guarantee that I will not betray this 'trust' that someone may place in me (which often amounts to the 'hope' that the trusted person will indeed be or feel the same....is this the sense of loyalty, I wonder!?).

So wtf is 'Trust' to you Mista Barge?

I don't know! :D

Whatever it may be, it is not wishful thinking, nor is it hope, IMO. And I have found that it is the non-fulfilment of these (ie wishful thinking and hope) which has triggered me to anger when I have felt 'betrayed'.

People may run away because the 'Truth' that someone is expressing is painful to them and they do not wish to face it. You point this out! I have done this myself and can see the dynamics being triggered in both directions in my life, current and past. Appearances can be bitterly deceptive and speculating about what a situation means (words, interactions, reactions, silences etc) has sent me off on many many downward spirals of depression and anger.

I think the issue of 'Trust' is entirely an internal one! Here it begins to resemble a 'benefit of doubt' when I do not know. I accept (trust?) my internal processes and accept them as valid - in the moment/just NOW. I realise that circumstances change and shift, as do people and perceptions. Here then, in this space, I can extend the benefit of doubt (ie Trust myself to do so) to the external without being dependent on it to the extent that it fucks with my own emotional state (when 'betrayed'). If I feel 'betrayed', I can own those feelings without blaming the outside, coz I know that the outside is fickle and appearances misleading, and I know that this feeling of 'betrayal' is really a compound of my own desires/fears etc and actually nothing much to do with the other!

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Thanks helpiecake, I just gobbled it down ;)

Much appreciated, you guys are the best!

Yeah looking at myself, I'm not someone I consider to have that amount of loyalty. Loyal, yes, to a degree, as long as I have the energy and desire to maintain it. And the reasons that can reduce that desire are so many, and many are not reasons you would tell the other party. Which is pretty problematic when it comes to these things. I don't make anything better by not saying anything, and there are situations where I would speak up, but it is not the norm, because it takes a lot out of me.

At the end of the day you bring up something interesting about introversion and relationships. I can kind of see how that is, though, since introversion does not amount to a desire to be by one's self. And I think a key in general, you brought it up as well, is loving one's self. Which I think is a pretty hard thing to do in totality.

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Hey @eonwarped. I really appreciate you stopping by and commenting bro, really nice of you.

It seems you have a pretty good understanding of yourself, and a deep thinking mind. It can be exhausting and even confusing at times, I know.

And the reasons that can reduce that desire are so many, and many are not reasons you would tell the other party. Which is pretty problematic when it comes to these things.

Oh for sure man. Preserving one's own mental health is essential however, if we're to be of any use to ourselves and others. Life must take on some selfish aspects, even if one is altruistic in nature. I damn sure can't help anyone else if I'm a mess. This reminds me of a recent tie I had to cut with a long time friend. He chose a life of drugs and insanity. His reasoning skills, and lack of trust towards others became fully insane in my opinion, and it really hurt me to cut the friendship, but for my own mental well being I had to. He couldn't see the logic of course, and I was nice enough to explain it to him. His retort was illogical and delusional, which was what I expected. It probably wouldn't have made a bit of difference if I explained it to him or not; the courtesy of explaining it, just added more exhaustion and frustration at the time.

since introversion does not amount to a desire to be by one's self. And I think a key in general, you brought it up as well, is loving one's self. Which I think is a pretty hard thing to do in totality.

Yes man, it's complicated stuff, and there are many who do believe introversion = loner, which is totally false. Maybe I'll do a write up on the Briggs/Myers personality test. That one is my absolute favorite, as it outlines very well the different aspects of personality. As far as loving oneself is concerned, it's not an issue for me, but self doubt is definitely an issue for me at times. So, those who might struggle with self love, head on over to discord to chat with futuremind, because I have more love to give than I even know what to do with 😄

Thanks bro, it's always a pleasure to see you. I want to do some traveling in the near future, maybe in the summer. I might head your way for some sight seeing or something. Will definitely let you know if I do, we could have a cup of coffee or something, and if it's something you don't want to do, hey that's cool too. I don't want to put others out of their comfort zone. Hit me up any time if you want/need to chat man.

Since I do not know enough of the topic, I will refrain from saying too much. I sincerely hope that you will get over the present state of mind very quickly. Take care and keep well. Cheers!

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Depression always passes pretty quick for me. I'm feeling pretty good today! Thank you for the kind words @quotes-haven, it's always a joy to see you. 😃

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I am pleased to hear that depression passes quickly for you. And I am flattered by your kind words. :-)
My friends call me Vincent, Vince...... :-)

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Thank you Vincent, my friends call me Jake :)

Hi, @futuremind!

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