Brothers until the end for better or for worse

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I have always enjoyed winning since as far back as I can remember, and even in early childhood winning my Mother's attention over my brother felt really good. My brother and I would invent games and I noticed he would like to change the rules to make it easier for him to win and he would be really clever about the rules he made up so it seemed like it would benefit me but in the end it never did. We would play on sports teams but never on the same team because he was almost 2 years older than me, but he always seemed to be in a competition with me even though we didn't play against each other.
I guess he felt like as long as he was better at sports than me it didn't even matter if his team won it still seemed that he felt good that he was better than me. Usually my brother's achievements overshadowed mine simply because he was better at most things than me, the only thing I was better at was talking and social skills at least until we started playing musical instruments. I won't say that my brother didn't excel in this area too but I always had superior abilities than he did and because of this fact I don't think he ever pursued music very seriously, maybe he couldn't handle losing?

My brother and I took very different paths in life and along the way, he always did the right thing and I usually did the wrong thing. He was a better student and excelled in school and I never really enjoyed school so I really didn't take it too seriously. He never seemed to have the problems that I had through out our lives and mine were almost always caused by my own doing, and it took much of my time dealing with these problems I had always caused myself. This continued into adulthood and his life took on meaningful things and mine did in a way but a very different way. I have always been wrapped up in my own thoughts and have found it satisfying to simply solve the problems in my own head and bubble I live inside and this was enough for me. I have never needed the spotlight and I think that he did, it appeared that I was the one needing the spotlight to outsiders because I was more sociable than him but he truly wished this was something he was better at than me.

My brother and I are not close at all now and he has never been too close with me, always choosing his friends over his family. I am not saying he doesn't love his family but there has always been a need for him to be in a social circle that looked up to him whereas I have never cared what people think about me and for the most part this has carried into my adulthood but was even more true in my youth. My brother shared with me in a rare moment of transparency that he had always been jealous of me growing up, I couldn't believe I was hearing this. He always admired my ability to take risks without too much thinking, I said exactly what I was thinking without worrying what people thought, and I was always there for my friends whether or not they deserved my loyalty. It was an eye opener to me because I had always striven to improve myself seeing the results his hard work had gotten him but while doing so realized I didn't really care too much about the results.

I have always admired my brother very much and defended his honor through out my life, I always stuck up for him anytime people thought he was stuck up or not a very nice person. I am fine with us not having a close relationship but if he was open to it I also would, like I said before he always puts his friends before family. I rarely bother calling him anymore because I get the voice mail and generally wait a week or more to get a call back. I always answer the phone when he calls, usually he needs me to do something for him and I can't remember a time when he simply called to catch up. I always tell myself I am not going to pick up the phone when he calls but rather let him leave a message and wait for a call back like he does for me. Of course the next time I get the call I stop what I am doing and I'm there for him, this doesn't give me the best feeling but I only have one brother, and even though it seems he doesn't feel the same way about me that doesn't mean that my actions need to change. I think this is the part in me he was jealous of while growing up. I have always had a compassionate and loyal side to me that he was born without.

I can never be sure of how this relationship will be in the future and hope that there are changes for the better, I feel like he is the one losing the most because I have always been open to share every part of myself with him and even though he is unwilling to open up in the same way he is losing the opportunity with each day. Neither one of us win when I really think about it but I can't force him to open up and I am not the only family member that feels this way, the alienation with no reasoning is the hard part, you win some and lose some. In this life there is nothing as important as family in my opinion, we don't get to choose them but it's our choice in how we build and maintain relationships. My mom and I are much closer than my brother and mom are and again it's his loss. Her feelings get hurt all the time the way he is with her and I just don't understand it. I will just continue being the best possible version of myself and not worry about other people and how they decide to live there lives, just like I have always done.

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Discord

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@Vladivostok-CA