(Money + Lack) Terror = Paralysis

What can I do when paralyzed with fears about not having enough money to pay my bills….
The artist who painted the above self-portrait knows all too well what I'm talking about here!

As an artist, this is unfortunately a periodic reality for me. Despite my best efforts and my not small success in the design world, I haven’t been able to create the kind of regular income and stability that would prevent this terror.

The creatives I know who have financial stability have either spouses who carry more of the financial load or other jobs to support their art making. This is a great way to go if you have the calling to teach or have a viable outside work situation. I am not, I do not.

I’m frequently asked to teach, and actually have a masters degree in teaching, but have never found it to be the right path for me. I’ve tried part-time jobs and each time my own work picks up I find that there isn’t time to do both. Good problem to have except that well-paid part time jobs are hard to find, and one can’t just pick up and drop them willy-nilly. For a part-time job to work, I’d have to sacrifice my own work to a significant degree in favor of the part-time job that pays less than my work and takes more time. It's a bit of a catch 22 and never appealing although I am always considering if somehow it can work.

Thus I find myself riding the waves of feast and famine. Each time the famine and accompanying terror arises, I learn more about how to navigate it with grace and to use it to my benefit but it’s never been easy.

One of the cruel tricks my mind plays is to come up with nasty stories about how my work isn’t good enough, and what a failure I am and why the hell haven’t I figured this out yet. Stories that feel so terrible and cut me to the quick. The more I learn about artists now and throughout history, I realize that I’m not alone in this. I’m among the hundreds of thousands of so called successful creatives who struggle on a daily basis with making a living. But when I’m it in, that knowledge helps but isn’t enough to counteract the tsunami of feelings and negative messages.

Frida Kahlo and Vermeer are among the greats who were heavily burdened by their periodic poverty.

What does help?
The answer is different each time for me but the way I always start is to move into the sensory, and out of my overactive mind. It’s like training the wind at first and takes continual refocusing and bringing myself back to it. My mind is tricky and will do its best to keep my attention on the “stories”. But getting through this depends on getting out of my mind, it depends on feeling my fear and listening to all parts of me.

So I put my attention on listening and feeling from the inside of me. Not from my mind but using my body, my sensory capacity to scan my physical body, my energy body. Sometimes I also need to write down everything circling around in my head just to get it out before I can let go. Regardless of whether it makes sense, I don’t edit, I just write out the nonsense and get it on paper.

(photographer Cydney French)

Then I’ll move my attention back into feeling. Once I can get myself to stay and focus on this even for small bits of time, I usually have emotions that come up. I ignore the “whys” and “whats” and “hows” and just focus on the raw emotion so it can release. If needed, I’ll get physical and punch pillows if angry or make the noises I need to let go. Most often my teeth chatter and my body needs to shake or I can do the Qi Gong “shaking medicine” which is an invaluable movement:
http://www.funwithqigong.com/five-flows-qigong-set/first-flow-exercises/exercise-1-shaking-the-body/.
If it’s an option, sex can be the perfect device to shift my energy and free my mind but more often than not I’m far too depressed and don't have the wherewithal to approach love-making. Whatever feels possible I’ll do.

After emoting as needed, I can feel at least a little space and peace in my psyche and it’s a good time to do something somewhat restful. I usually go for a 15 minute walk or run an errand or I like sound meditations too, especially by Tom Kenyon.

This post release calm is a good time to just let my mind be free and wander. A walk is ideal and I’ve found that very useful insights and information will come to me as I’m walking or while driving (second best). It can be a fertile time for clear ideas and next steps or ways to frame my situation that help me restore my faith in myself and my capacity to figure things out. I never force it though, this thinking just arises effortlessly or it doesn’t. If not, it’ll come at another time. At the least I’ll feel better about where I am and what to do next now that I’m free of the binding emotions and racing mind.

(Photo by Stephen Low)

This morning when coming out of a fear episode on a walk, I had these images come to me and an awareness that I have a choice. It wasn't forced, I simply felt the choice before me - I can crawl under a rock or I can fly with the eagles using my grace, strength and prowess to easily provide for myself, swooping to catch the fish I have my eye on. I can stay in the metaphorical murky, dark scary bottom of the ocean or I can swim upwards to dive and frolic with the dolphins and whales.

(photo courtesy of Animal Kingdom)

The shorter the time I reside in this despair the better. Great ideas never come while I’m in fear. They come when my mind is more relaxed, so I do whatever I need to do to free my mind and feel better so I can make good decisions. Creativity doesn’t coexist with fear and neither does clear thinking. (An obvious exception to this is in a life and death situation of being chased or whatever, we know exactly what to do but it’s not about thinking, we just know and do!)

Afterwards, it can still be a bit of a rough day and I can even experience reoccurring episodes for days until I come up with a solution or a new project comes through.

The good news is that over time, my stories are less mean and have become more compassionate and supportive - I can more often be my own ally. I’m stronger each time and am far less likely to believe in the self-doubt that arises. This kind of experience of feeling fear and helping myself to come out the other side can clarify my priorities and goals. I can see more clearly what is working my life and what needs to change.

(Photo courtesy of Dolphin & Whale Connection)

Really love to hear from you, and especially other creatives out there whose livelihood depends wholly on your work…..do you have these feelings? What are your experiences? Is it different for men and women? How do you help yourself? Any ideas, tips for coping? In the course of life, most of us don’t tend to talk about this much since we run the risk of appearing unsuccessful, vulnerable and/or don't want the word to get out in case it might scare away potential clients (or something like that).

I think it helps everyone to tell the truth and to know the truth about this kind of thing so I strongly encourage you to tell your story!