Why doesn’t my boyfriend pay attention to me? How can I make him more attentive and loving?

in advice •  9 months ago

Excerpt: most relationships in our world nowadays are not balanced. One person receives more than the other. If this situation lasts for a long time and comes at the expense of the well being of one, then the relationship begins to shake. People begin to ask themselves "is that all?", "what am I doing in this relationship?"

In the past, we were told not to be selfish, to sacrifice our own good for the sake of our husband or wife. But no more. We are in the age of individualism, where the human begins to awaken to their true identity and heritage. This awakening is the small voice that nudges us, telling us that we do deserve to be loved, that we do deserve to receive. For women, in particular, this shift, to put themselves in the center, is quite difficult. Women are trained to be givers, to nourish, to sacrifice for the sake of men and the society.

credit: pexels


But I am saying to all women (and men) out there -

There is no shame in taking care of yourself. When you are happy and satisfied, so will be your spouse, your children, your colleagues and everyone who interacts with you.


Here is a discussion I had with a young woman who faced this same issue, right before her planned marriage:

Hi,

I have been with someone for three years now and the “roles” between us have been divided in a certain way – he always talks and I am always the patient and understanding listener. He never sees when I am in distress and need someone to talk to. But when he says how difficult it is for him at work I stop everything and listen to his troubles. Six months ago I began seeing a psychologist just to have someone who would listen to me.

I have already talked to him about it but in vain. This is the person he is. Still, I can’t get used to such a situation, neither now nor when we are married, that will be soon. What can I do to wake him up?

Danguilsh

Dear Danguilsh,

You create your own reality and within it, you attract certain people to your life who reflect to you certain aspects of you that need attention.

Your boyfriend may indeed be an egocentric person whose attention is centered solely on himself. He is perhaps not as sensitive to people around him, you included, as you would like him to be; perhaps he has no patience for other people’s issues and his thinking may generally be more rational than intuitive. But this is the person you have chosen to be with and you can’t expect him to change just because you two will be married soon.

Now, having said all that, it is definitely not necessary that you accept this status quo and give up. Leaving him would also not change the basic problem because you would only attract a person with the same character. In order to change your life, to have a healthy and balanced relationship in which you give and receive equally, you must look inside to locate that repetitive motive that creates the frustrating reality.

So, is it possible that you do not give to yourself enough? Have you neglected your own desires and needs in life? Have you repressed a hidden passion that was burning inside for many years, perhaps since childhood? Have you sacrificed your dreams for the artificial satisfaction that seemed to you important at certain times in the past?

You need to check the basic beliefs that you have accepted as truth over the years. This status quo, in which you are the listener and your boyfriend is the one who receives all your attention without giving, is an image of the reality that you allowed to develop without stating clearly - no more!

No more!

Putting limits and boundaries in the relationship is very important and many individuals fail to do so out of fear. They sacrifice their own well-being to keep their spouses with them; they live in a survival mode in order to satisfy their spouses’ basic needs; they do it for the sake of domestic peace and less drama.

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credit: pexels

Nevertheless, holding back and repressing natural impulses from the soul quite often ends with illness and physical imbalances like cancer. Your call right now – “I have had enough” – is appropriate and you should congratulate yourself for being determined to take care of your self. Be sure that soon after you begin the change your boyfriend will be faced with the “new you”, who will give him no practical alternative but to alter the way he currently thinks and behaves.

Then one of two will happen - he will gain a new balance as well or will refuse to change and leave the relationship. Whatever the outcome will be on the outside, you will benefit from becoming a sovereign, strong and loveable woman. In no time you will bring to your life a level of relationship that will be far better than your current situation.

Good Luck.


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As a woman living in an Asian country, it is well-known that girls have to be submissive to their partner. This has been the culture of most Asian countries. Well, relating to your post, it is the high time for women to value themselves as well. The time to know their worth as a person equally unique and complex as any man. And those things can’t be given to us by anyone, our can’t be validated by no one other than ourselves. It has to start from within. We should start believing that we are important and we do matter in this vast world. We have to love and to value ourselves before others can. Keeping these things in our hearts as we engage in a relationship, we can bring about change through multiplying the love rather than complicating things and causing pain not only to ourselves but as well as to our partners.

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I am glad you mentioned "it has to start from within" because many women favor a fight. But that's the easy and non-lasting attempt for a solution. Again, I will repeat to those who insist on the struggle - what you resist persist.
You, and your peers in the Asian countries are doing an important job👍

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It is also important to stress that as we look on ourselves as valuable individuals in this world, so do the opposite sex. And with this thought, it will lead us to deeply understand and consider the word “balance” in a relationship. Both individuals have a responsibility to take in making the relationship work. And I hope it will lead to nourished and cherished relationship. 😊

I know how this is.
This is a problem that exists in all our societies even more in eastern countries.
A girl is taught to live life for his partner. Even when she faces abuses she silently tolerates everything as if it was her fault. We need to change this thinking, otherwise we're all doomed.

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lust is not everything.....

One of the best posts .. People are in need for these type of posts , coz these things happen to every relationship , gf/bf need to understand there is a difference between the thinking of men and women ....like the one i will discuss on like staying connected to eachother via phone but it creates problems like...
If you ask your boyfriend to text you every hour on the hour, nearly everyone on planet earth would consider that unreasonable, and therefore too clingy or needy. We expect that our significant other can go more than sixty minutes without our attention. An unwillingness to go more than sixty minutes without our attention suggests instability, low self-esteem, and/or entitlement and a desire to control. None of which would be desirable qualities in an intimate relationship. Some requests are inherently unlikely to get a positive response. It doesn't matter how sweetly or calmly you ask to be texted every hour; you're gonna get labeled clingy and needy.

It's hard to know what requests are generally considered reasonable and which are generally considered unreasonable. A negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean you were being unreasonable; maybe he's the unreasonable one. Maybe you're both being reasonable, but you just disagree. In this case, I don't think it's bonkers to want to talk to your sweetheart every day, and I don't think it's bonkers to prefer every few days .may be you should wait and keenly observe what to do and what not. You have to find a better path or ions on which both agree....that wud help alot.

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Indeed, there is no book of rules of how should a couple live out their relationship. However, when there is harmony things flow. And if one week it feels good to text every hour and on the other week once a week, then it's fine. As long as they both remember that love comes from within them and reflected by their partner.
Important words, mate 👍

Ohhh its the irony of the every one who once was a beloved..Once the lifeline becomes so easy for a person to sideline..I think when u become a part of being ignored by the other person, its for sure, the feelings werent honest, only honest feelings stay and live you in your every form, they dont see your size, shape or color..They will love you for what you are not for what they want

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...and take note that you are looking at the issue from the external side, which is easier of course. But the core reason is lack of self-worth. If a woman, any woman, claims what she deserves then the attitude from the outside will change.
Thanks for being a mirror today.

Every woman would want to get attention and affection for her boyfriend. I think a man should always make him happy, albeit in a simple way. When we meet try to always make beautiful impressions, so that he will always be the same with us. Spend your time in one day for him, even briefly, to pay attention to him, even if we do not meet face-to-face, but now we can use the phone to pay attention to him, albeit briefly. Essentially women always want to be noticed by their partner. If we had cared for him, I'm sure he would always remember us and not want to be far away from us. Thanks for sharing @nomad-magus ... :)

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I am afraid your suggestions are valid for the short term only. A woman, or a man, who does not feel worthy, loved, will never receive the attention they want or need or deserve. The reality will keep reflecting back to them that lack they have within no matter how loving they are towards their spouse. You are welcome to try your way and we will meet here in 5 years and i will tell you the same things ☺️
Thanks for your comment!

Firstly,happy womens day to all,rather it should not be a single day where we pay more attention towards a women but everyday should be mentally treated as womens day.
This type of problem is almost seen in all couples because two human beings are very different by nature and by behaviour. At first a women should respect herself and know her value, and what she is ...she need not to sacrifice her life and her desires for others ,she should live her life first. Well when it comes to you, you have already accepted him as what he is ,that mean his behaviour has been what it actually is, dont try to change him.. instead.. try to be actual you,, you are living your life according to him, believe me,once you live you life as per you, as per your value,as per your dreams and desires,he automatically will fit in...ofcourse ,every relation lasts as long as there is compromise ,BUT not from your side only..try this stuff as you are about to get married ...i wish you best of luck ahead...

There have always been similar situations with various people.. Mostly the women face such problems.these problems if really not dealt with will create for sure an imbalance in ones nature and that can be far worse. I believe what one should do at first is try to solve the problem with a lot more love passion and desire. But if it doesn't work keeping it the same work won't work either. So what one should do then is that he/she should start creating a new tougher person who cares more for himself/herslef. What it will do is it for sure will make the partner realise that something is happening. At that point if your partner is wise enough they would come back to you and start treating you in a much better way than ever before. This will be the best solution to the problem. However if they are fool enough and don't realise it than they won't be able to cope with such a change in your behaviour and will end up the relationship. Now what it will do is that you won't need to overcome such a situation because you already would had given yourself a new nature which for sure will help you to dwell.

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Indeed.
fool=unaware 😉

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Yes thats what it is. Unaware of the fact that he may loose one of the most important person that he could had ever had. He for sure will struggle because of this. This struggle will then make him realise something is missing but that would be far too late.

I think that relationship is simple, only one of the spouses did not have it.
First, do the attention and it is potentially an opponent pair
Second, invite him to jest.
because someone will be close when we're joking around, with this we can know that she wants.
thanks for yor advice @nomad-magus

If I were to attract the attention of my girlfriend, I support all her activities, her hobbies even I accompany her, and take her for a walk to such a beautiful place to the top because when she is happy she will feel comfortable,
So when he himself he will definitely contact us ..

You are right in never forgetting that in a loving relationship you never have to be notone on the contrary it has to be evolutionary where each one is exploring more and more.

Feliz día de la mujer

That is aso one of the reason why girls gets this anxiety. Everyone of can’t always contain the problems just by ourselves and without someone who can listen and advice to us is quite difficult.

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But you see, this is the whole issue. Girls must understand that they are powerful and from within and that they can solve their issues by themselves. They can be financially secured, healthy, successful, even without a man next to them 🙂

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That’s true 😊 but we can’t also decline the fact that we are the emotional one and too vulnerable sometimes. Strong woman can do that but how about those fragile woman and the martyr woman? All of us needs someone to lean on and someone we can rely to. Girls are just the rib bone of the guys thry can be strong outside but they are bleeding internally which is the guys sometimes can’t actually foresee. XD

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What you are describing is old and outdated. The world is changing from martyrdom to mastery. The girls who keep choosing to be fragile from within will attract aggressive or not caring men that will remind them every day of their miserable yet respected choice. Every girl and woman deserves mastery and that's her ultimate destination. It can be reached with joy or suffering. The choice is their to make.
What will you? 🤔

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I’m an old soul with coffee inside who adapted the new values today 😊

As a woman i don't feel any shame because this is the reality . I never afraid reality. Thank you for your worthy word in this post . Keep writing....

In most of the cases its the women who has to suffer not the men, the men lives as he wants to and women has to do according to his will, what kind of society are we living in, men and women should be equally treated, there should be no sex discrimination, when such a thing happens the relationships will live long and happily.

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The world is changing my friend. Perhaps not as fat as we want it to, but in a perfect balance.

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In our society these things prevail, and the change is not at a fast speed

Just one word, resteem this post for all women in the world to read. @noman-magus has a myriad of vocabulary, and never runs out of brilliant ideas. THANK YOU

In today's world it's hard to find someone who'll truely love u!!
Love must be at the first sight!
It's a pure bond which connects two souls so one should not only love only for her looks infact he should love her character as well and if he does so then no power in this world can break their eternal bond bit unfortunately u'll find those people very rare!!!
Today everyone is following the footsteps of earning more n more money!!
It has nowadays become a kinda race in which only a winner will be one who have got more money power!!
The concept of love is fading day by day n only hate n anguish have taken place in everyone's heart n mind!!
Lucky r those who r still engaged in this bond no matter how many difficulties they face!!!
Thanks n have a great day ahead!!!

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"Lucky r those who r still engaged in this bond no matter how many difficulties they face!!!"

Do you consider yourself to be one of those lucky?

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Unfortunately NO!

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So you are in the perfect place👍
Ready for a change.

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"check out the basic beliefs you have received as truth for years." this is what we need to do. the problem facing the woman is almost the same as that of other women in the world. @noman-magus has answered in enough detail. the woman facing the problem needs to read the content of @noman-magus and understand it in its entirety. thank you for the knowledge you give us all the time.

I agree with you that women sacrifice more than men do.
It's true that women are always known to be givers and they sacrifice for their men and their family.
I think it's the duty of the men to look out for their women ,care for them and when the time comes even sacrifice for them just as women do in their times. Your words are perfect @nomad-magus to say that the basic goal is to make your self happy, if you are happy you can make your family happy. Both people in the relationship should be given equality and freedom. And the really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. Your words are always full of advice and wisdom. I love your posts. Your posts have a strong relationship with the present problems and life and the subject is always related. I think that this subject should be given most of the importance in life. Thank you sir

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👍We are living in times of great unbalance between the masculine and feminine core consciosunesses. . The work we are doing here and others in other groups change that dichotomy.
Thankls for your feedback

Well I think compromises are made always between the couples, no one is perfect, and everyone has different mindset, if you have chosen someone to be your partner you have to compromise, But to a certain limit, upto which you can tolerate, and when it goes beyond that, you should fuck that relationship and move on your own. Also you don't have to look on the downside, you can look on your partners positive sides as well to save your relationship

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I understand what you are saying.
Leaving the realtionship would not solve any self-worth issue. I wish it was that easy.

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I agree

Dear @nomad-magus I don't know why some men not caring their girlfriend although a girl/woman is the gift of God for the man on universe. Women are made only and only for love. They are fragile and to be handle very carefully. Every relarion of a woman is just for love wether she is mother, sister, daughter, wife etc. So all the men should take care of her in every relarion. Beside all relations the relation of wife or g.f is more important because in this case a girl leave her home, parents, siblings and all other relations for her becoming husband or b.f, and come to live with her husband or b.f so here its importance become manifold.
So we all should take care of that...
Thanks for reading my comment.

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Remember this, my friend, every human creates exactly what they need on their path of growth. A woman who attracts a spouse who is not caring, not loving, should look within and make a choice. As I explained in the post.
Thanks for your comment.

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Yes you are right... I am agree with you...
You are always welcome.
thanks for your reply on my comment.

I wish there was anything more i could add. Nothing. You hit the nail on the head.

And i love this quote:

You create your own reality and within it, you attract certain people to your life who reflect to you certain aspects of you that need attention.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

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Nice post mate.. LoL u must gv tips how single boys can get gf :D hw to attract them :D

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I will but be careful what you fish for, mate 😉

Indeed.... hapiness begins from within. If u r happy, you can make the whole world happy and you can make others happy.
Its something good to be selfish when it comes to ones inner peace and happiness

Absolutely! Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift we have…A woman should take care of herself irrespective of her partner's approach towards her... Also as u said there should be boundaries and certain limitations in a relationship so that it could be healthy.. A women shouldn't sacrifice her goals for mere an artificial satisfaction as u rightly said....

Some men feel that once they have provided the financial needs of the woman, the woman is okay. They do not know the real needs of women, which is companionship, loving care, hearing tender words, just having time to talk to their man.
Making him want you more is all about making him realize that you are a passionate girl who has a fire in her heart and a plan in her head to live life on her own terms.

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... and I wish we looked at men and women in the eyes and see them as humans first and then as genders.

too many serious discussions here...there are always two sides to a story.. i guess the problem here can be "the guy is addicted to Play Station"... Better hide the PS before coming to any conclusion... lol

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Speaking from self-experience, mate? 😉

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No... Aquired experiences .. :p

you really are a good adviser and people will learn a lot from your post @nomad-magus,it really happened practically in our lives.I am touch by this story about love and relationships. I learn something from you today!

In a relationship either courting or marriage. There is always a storm that hit it.

Starting from there, then it is highly recommended for us to always strive against storm-the storms of life.

It is sage advice @nomad-magus in answering questions from Danguilsh.

Our basic humanity is socialization which interdependence among each other. We also can not otherwise interact with one another.

Life is a choice, choose the best in life is the priority of all human beings. Although sometimes his reality turned upside down, a reality that does not meet theexpectations.
How well we interact each other openly, so that each other are not forgotten. Because I think that selfish nature can destroy a relationship that has been built. Although in fact every human being has the nature of it. But not to the nature of the ego can damage others.
The last dont the nature of our Ego backfired for us. Every problem must have a solution. Is it true @nomad-magus??

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Indeed, the emotional storms caused by the mind should be addressed until calmness is reached. A relationship between two people who have mastered their emotions is able to soar to new heights, beyond the senses even. This is the path of enlightenment.

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Agree. Things that the unexpected will come by itself, if mutual understanding between each other.
Open each other's weaves in a relationship is the bottom line

You are absolutly right. agree with you. there is no shame on taking care of your self. so many people's are feel shame on that. but this is very bad. every one needs to care own self to each other. love is life so if everyone be serious on that then life will be happy. everyone need to see your article.

If you don't value yourself enough, nobody else will. Live your life for yourself first, then for others

not all men want sex, they also want proper attention just to fill up their needs, to look after their children's.
although you don't have to forget yourself, > When you are happy and satisfied, so will be your spouse, your children, your colleagues and everyone who interacts with you. well said by the sentence,
as far as Danguilsh is concerned she must ask the person she is in relation with to be with me in my distress and listen to me, like the way i used to listen to you when you speak and was with you in your need, hope this will help..

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As long as she askes her boyfriend to change she will hit the wall.

you should change your outlook. Try to avoid those behave which are not choosen by him......
Remember that lust is not everythings.

sometimes busy makes us ignore the couple we care about, but it takes a long time to mature to eliminate the nature of ego owned.
indeed the nature of the range ego will be farewell, interesting article, this experience is very useful, thank you

For me a man must be romantic in our relationship, may be less attention or less sacrifice from someone special.

To me a man must sacrifice himself for the sake of any woman, do not wait for a woman to sacrifice herself a man will not be good in our relationship, prove that a true man is honest and caring in all fields in relationship.

Cool! I follow you.

I think most of the young women before marriage are in trouble. And if you keep it secret then the problem is not solved. If these problems can be discussed with close people, then the problems of the problem come up. All young women should be cautious about this issue.

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We are bringing this issue to the light here 👍

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You're doing a great job. Thank you very much. Every woman should follow your words. I really became a fan of your words.

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