Why doesn’t my boyfriend pay attention to me? How can I make him more attentive and loving?
Excerpt: most relationships in our world nowadays are not balanced. One person receives more than the other. If this situation lasts for a long time and comes at the expense of the well being of one, then the relationship begins to shake. People begin to ask themselves "is that all?", "what am I doing in this relationship?"
In the past, we were told not to be selfish, to sacrifice our own good for the sake of our husband or wife. But no more. We are in the age of individualism, where the human begins to awaken to their true identity and heritage. This awakening is the small voice that nudges us, telling us that we do deserve to be loved, that we do deserve to receive. For women, in particular, this shift, to put themselves in the center, is quite difficult. Women are trained to be givers, to nourish, to sacrifice for the sake of men and the society.
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But I am saying to all women (and men) out there -
There is no shame in taking care of yourself. When you are happy and satisfied, so will be your spouse, your children, your colleagues and everyone who interacts with you.
Here is a discussion I had with a young woman who faced this same issue, right before her planned marriage:
Hi,
I have been with someone for three years now and the “roles” between us have been divided in a certain way – he always talks and I am always the patient and understanding listener. He never sees when I am in distress and need someone to talk to. But when he says how difficult it is for him at work I stop everything and listen to his troubles. Six months ago I began seeing a psychologist just to have someone who would listen to me.
I have already talked to him about it but in vain. This is the person he is. Still, I can’t get used to such a situation, neither now nor when we are married, that will be soon. What can I do to wake him up?
Danguilsh
Dear Danguilsh,
You create your own reality and within it, you attract certain people to your life who reflect to you certain aspects of you that need attention.
Your boyfriend may indeed be an egocentric person whose attention is centered solely on himself. He is perhaps not as sensitive to people around him, you included, as you would like him to be; perhaps he has no patience for other people’s issues and his thinking may generally be more rational than intuitive. But this is the person you have chosen to be with and you can’t expect him to change just because you two will be married soon.
Now, having said all that, it is definitely not necessary that you accept this status quo and give up. Leaving him would also not change the basic problem because you would only attract a person with the same character. In order to change your life, to have a healthy and balanced relationship in which you give and receive equally, you must look inside to locate that repetitive motive that creates the frustrating reality.
So, is it possible that you do not give to yourself enough? Have you neglected your own desires and needs in life? Have you repressed a hidden passion that was burning inside for many years, perhaps since childhood? Have you sacrificed your dreams for the artificial satisfaction that seemed to you important at certain times in the past?
You need to check the basic beliefs that you have accepted as truth over the years. This status quo, in which you are the listener and your boyfriend is the one who receives all your attention without giving, is an image of the reality that you allowed to develop without stating clearly - no more!
No more!
Putting limits and boundaries in the relationship is very important and many individuals fail to do so out of fear. They sacrifice their own well-being to keep their spouses with them; they live in a survival mode in order to satisfy their spouses’ basic needs; they do it for the sake of domestic peace and less drama.
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Nevertheless, holding back and repressing natural impulses from the soul quite often ends with illness and physical imbalances like cancer. Your call right now – “I have had enough” – is appropriate and you should congratulate yourself for being determined to take care of your self. Be sure that soon after you begin the change your boyfriend will be faced with the “new you”, who will give him no practical alternative but to alter the way he currently thinks and behaves.
Then one of two will happen - he will gain a new balance as well or will refuse to change and leave the relationship. Whatever the outcome will be on the outside, you will benefit from becoming a sovereign, strong and loveable woman. In no time you will bring to your life a level of relationship that will be far better than your current situation.
Good Luck.
This message should be heard and spread, and not only today, the International women's day. If you resonate with it you may want to resteem.
As a woman living in an Asian country, it is well-known that girls have to be submissive to their partner. This has been the culture of most Asian countries. Well, relating to your post, it is the high time for women to value themselves as well. The time to know their worth as a person equally unique and complex as any man. And those things can’t be given to us by anyone, our can’t be validated by no one other than ourselves. It has to start from within. We should start believing that we are important and we do matter in this vast world. We have to love and to value ourselves before others can. Keeping these things in our hearts as we engage in a relationship, we can bring about change through multiplying the love rather than complicating things and causing pain not only to ourselves but as well as to our partners.
I am glad you mentioned "it has to start from within" because many women favor a fight. But that's the easy and non-lasting attempt for a solution. Again, I will repeat to those who insist on the struggle - what you resist persist.
You, and your peers in the Asian countries are doing an important job👍
It is also important to stress that as we look on ourselves as valuable individuals in this world, so do the opposite sex. And with this thought, it will lead us to deeply understand and consider the word “balance” in a relationship. Both individuals have a responsibility to take in making the relationship work. And I hope it will lead to nourished and cherished relationship. 😊
I know how this is.
This is a problem that exists in all our societies even more in eastern countries.
A girl is taught to live life for his partner. Even when she faces abuses she silently tolerates everything as if it was her fault. We need to change this thinking, otherwise we're all doomed.
lust is not everything.....
One of the best posts .. People are in need for these type of posts , coz these things happen to every relationship , gf/bf need to understand there is a difference between the thinking of men and women ....like the one i will discuss on like staying connected to eachother via phone but it creates problems like...
If you ask your boyfriend to text you every hour on the hour, nearly everyone on planet earth would consider that unreasonable, and therefore too clingy or needy. We expect that our significant other can go more than sixty minutes without our attention. An unwillingness to go more than sixty minutes without our attention suggests instability, low self-esteem, and/or entitlement and a desire to control. None of which would be desirable qualities in an intimate relationship. Some requests are inherently unlikely to get a positive response. It doesn't matter how sweetly or calmly you ask to be texted every hour; you're gonna get labeled clingy and needy.
It's hard to know what requests are generally considered reasonable and which are generally considered unreasonable. A negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean you were being unreasonable; maybe he's the unreasonable one. Maybe you're both being reasonable, but you just disagree. In this case, I don't think it's bonkers to want to talk to your sweetheart every day, and I don't think it's bonkers to prefer every few days .may be you should wait and keenly observe what to do and what not. You have to find a better path or ions on which both agree....that wud help alot.
Indeed, there is no book of rules of how should a couple live out their relationship. However, when there is harmony things flow. And if one week it feels good to text every hour and on the other week once a week, then it's fine. As long as they both remember that love comes from within them and reflected by their partner.
Important words, mate 👍
Ohhh its the irony of the every one who once was a beloved..Once the lifeline becomes so easy for a person to sideline..I think when u become a part of being ignored by the other person, its for sure, the feelings werent honest, only honest feelings stay and live you in your every form, they dont see your size, shape or color..They will love you for what you are not for what they want
...and take note that you are looking at the issue from the external side, which is easier of course. But the core reason is lack of self-worth. If a woman, any woman, claims what she deserves then the attitude from the outside will change.
Thanks for being a mirror today.
Every woman would want to get attention and affection for her boyfriend. I think a man should always make him happy, albeit in a simple way. When we meet try to always make beautiful impressions, so that he will always be the same with us. Spend your time in one day for him, even briefly, to pay attention to him, even if we do not meet face-to-face, but now we can use the phone to pay attention to him, albeit briefly. Essentially women always want to be noticed by their partner. If we had cared for him, I'm sure he would always remember us and not want to be far away from us. Thanks for sharing @nomad-magus ... :)
I am afraid your suggestions are valid for the short term only. A woman, or a man, who does not feel worthy, loved, will never receive the attention they want or need or deserve. The reality will keep reflecting back to them that lack they have within no matter how loving they are towards their spouse. You are welcome to try your way and we will meet here in 5 years and i will tell you the same things ☺️
Thanks for your comment!
Firstly,happy womens day to all,rather it should not be a single day where we pay more attention towards a women but everyday should be mentally treated as womens day.
This type of problem is almost seen in all couples because two human beings are very different by nature and by behaviour. At first a women should respect herself and know her value, and what she is ...she need not to sacrifice her life and her desires for others ,she should live her life first. Well when it comes to you, you have already accepted him as what he is ,that mean his behaviour has been what it actually is, dont try to change him.. instead.. try to be actual you,, you are living your life according to him, believe me,once you live you life as per you, as per your value,as per your dreams and desires,he automatically will fit in...ofcourse ,every relation lasts as long as there is compromise ,BUT not from your side only..try this stuff as you are about to get married ...i wish you best of luck ahead...
There have always been similar situations with various people.. Mostly the women face such problems.these problems if really not dealt with will create for sure an imbalance in ones nature and that can be far worse. I believe what one should do at first is try to solve the problem with a lot more love passion and desire. But if it doesn't work keeping it the same work won't work either. So what one should do then is that he/she should start creating a new tougher person who cares more for himself/herslef. What it will do is it for sure will make the partner realise that something is happening. At that point if your partner is wise enough they would come back to you and start treating you in a much better way than ever before. This will be the best solution to the problem. However if they are fool enough and don't realise it than they won't be able to cope with such a change in your behaviour and will end up the relationship. Now what it will do is that you won't need to overcome such a situation because you already would had given yourself a new nature which for sure will help you to dwell.
Indeed.
fool=unaware 😉
Yes thats what it is. Unaware of the fact that he may loose one of the most important person that he could had ever had. He for sure will struggle because of this. This struggle will then make him realise something is missing but that would be far too late.
If I were to attract the attention of my girlfriend, I support all her activities, her hobbies even I accompany her, and take her for a walk to such a beautiful place to the top because when she is happy she will feel comfortable,
So when he himself he will definitely contact us ..
I think that relationship is simple, only one of the spouses did not have it.
First, do the attention and it is potentially an opponent pair
Second, invite him to jest.
because someone will be close when we're joking around, with this we can know that she wants.
thanks for yor advice @nomad-magus
You are right in never forgetting that in a loving relationship you never have to be notone on the contrary it has to be evolutionary where each one is exploring more and more.
Feliz día de la mujer