This is the ecoTrain question of the week: What does it mean to own your emotions?

This is an incredibly heavy question. I’m going to try to keep it simple and relatively brief so it remains digestible. I’m not trying to say that I know all there is to know about emotions or even a majority. I’m just saying that if you have been in my general vicinity, I have probably felt your emotions. I’ve always been this way. I almost always know what others are feeling. I can sense when there is a rift between people. I know when someone is sad. I can feel when people aren’t listening to one another. Sometimes it’s exhausting.

It’s a lot easier, though, when I’m with someone who is owning their emotions. These people know what they are feeling and accept it. They are working, at least on some level, to deal with their own emotions, as opposed to shitting them all over others.

The ways people shit their emotions on others are varied.

Again, I have a fair amount of experience here. Those of us who can feel a lot tend to be targets for people who would like someone else to process their toxins for them. I have learned I don't want to be others’ liver. Some people like to project their emotional poison on others. Some simply prefer to spew anger, aggression, manipulation, resentment, or even sadness all over you. Some people are magically able to shift their mess straight to you. You know you’re around a person like this when you’re in a happy mood, they walk in angry, and suddenly you’re angry, and they are fine. Yes, they gave it to you, but also you accepted it. You have a duty to yourself to not accept other people’s crap.

Let’s talk a bit about projection.

I think projection is the hardest bit for people to understand. It’s a bit of a challenging concept and also requires a fairly significant capacity for self reflection. I think a lot of people don’t want to understand. I had a friend some years ago who explained it this way. “If it informs you, it’s information. If it affects you, it’s projection.” So, you can see this in something as simple as driving. If you get irrationally angry at people who sit for 2 seconds at the green light, you’re probably one of those people who sits at the green light. It gets a little bit darker when we start talking about emotions and darker still when children are involved. Honestly, this is a big chunk of our anger at our children. They are reflecting back to us, and that can be infuriating.

It can also be incredibly healing if we choose in that moment to own our emotions and work to shift something that is no longer serving us.

People are, I believe, afraid to own their emotions. Men are, of course, never supposed to be emotional, and women are constantly ragged on for being too emotional, whatever the hell that means. No wonder we are afraid. Here’s the thing, though. They are still there. They are still affecting you and everyone close to you. Acknowledge them and shift. It’s better for everyone.

The death of Anthony Bourdain hit me really hard. I mean really hard, and it had nothing to do with him. I barely even know who the guy is. I haven’t had cable for years. I live in the jungle for God’s sake. However, after his death, all the conversations and the quotes from him and the quotes from people who knew and loved him. I tried to stay away, but it was hard. Like I said, I can feel others’ emotions, and I know what it’s like to want to die. I know what it’s like to feel so desperately alone, and his death felt like a fallen comrade. Every time someone gets to that point and gives up, it is a loss for all of us. Every day 22 US veterans commit suicide. Every day. And I'm sure if I read their stories and heard their quotes I would respond the same way. It's hard to even think about.

In any case, I have dug in again to my mission to end the shame around depression and encourage more openness and honesty. So I asked on facebook for people to open up about what helps them when they are depressed. I wanted to create sort of a toolkit for others of things that may help when the darkness hits. Several people have said they feel better when accepting where they are and how they are feeling and sharing that with others. In this situation, owning your emotions can literally save your life. We need to speak out about how we feel, not in a way of spewing it on others but in a way of acknowledging where we are at.

Now I know it seems hard sometimes, but once we own up to where we are, we can begin moving up. You may or may not need to share it with anyone else. It may be enough for you to accept that you are angry or sad or lonely or hurt or frustrated. You may need to tell someone who loves you. You may need to tell someone you don’t know at all. Whatever you need to do for you is enough. I don’t want to get too deeply into the process of how to shift your emotions, but I will say this.

First, wherever you are is ok. It’s ok because it’s where you are.

Second, you can’t jump from despair to joy. It’s too much. Go steadily up the scale. I will post the scale below. It's the emotional scale from Abraham Hicks. Like Abraham says, you can’t get there from there. Be gentle. If you’re angry today, but you were in despair yesterday, you are progressing.

source

Whatever your situation, I hope you will begin to accept and acknowledge where you are and how you are feeling. Also, if you’re in close relationship with someone who projects or spews, take good care to protect yourself. Try talking to them, but if they can’t shift, you may have to leave to protect yourself. My first husband was a piece of work. Everything was always my fault. Every argument turned back on me. It was like spending years on a merry go round. It wasn’t until I got off that I realized how dizzy I was. Friends, don’t put yourself through that. The next serious relationship was more subtle manipulation. He owned all his emotions but always controlled the scene and was always the victim. So, yeah, don’t put up with that either. I guess that’s another story for another day, though.

So tell me. Are you owning your emotions? Are you teaching your kids to understand, name, and own their emotions? Do these words mean something different to you than they do to me? Tell me what you think!!

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

)](https://discord.gg/qfu4yRE)