Outside of my 21st I have never been very big on celebrating my birthday. It has always just been “another year” to me and mostly celebrated in a pretty low key manner with close family, except for the time approaching my 40th birthday in 2020. Why?! I have no idea - although the general enthusiasm to do something special from my partner probably had a fair amount to do with it.

I suppose it seemed celebration worthy at the time and after a little convincing, I began to embrace the idea of doing something large…I was in a good space in my life at the time and it kind of felt nice to embrace this particular milestone.

This was obviously the idea before lockdown hit in March 2020 and before I knew what a dramatic turn my entire life was about to take. On the morning of my 40th birthday we were delivering adult diapers to the ICU department of a local hospital, as we were not allowed in to see my mom due to covid restrictions and two weeks later she passed away.

My birthday has never felt the same since. I did not get to spend it celebrating with her and the rest of my family and friends, but instead spent it trying to face the reality that I was about to lose my best friend and mother, and I did not even know if I was going to get to see her before she passed.

So here I sit, four years later with 44 trips around the sun today and very little enthusiasm to celebrate it at all. Perhaps this numb feeling will change over time, but it has not done so yet and all this day feels like to me, is an unpleasant reminder of the fact that my mom is no longer around and the enormously emotionally taxing period approaching her death.

I have never really spoken to anyone about that time - and I probably should, perhaps it would help me to move through this state of “limbo” that seems to hit every time my birthday rolls around. There is no easy way to watch a parent die right in front of you, knowing that regardless of the amount of nursing and care you give them, there is essentially nothing that will change the outcome.

Despite her many failings in certain respects during my growing up years, my mom and I were very close - she was only human, just like the rest of us… but despite it all, she was my best friend and though we spent most celebratory occasions together - she had a quiet and gentle way of always being the one who really made me feel like I mattered when it came to my birthday. I miss that. I miss her.

Nonetheless, we shall go out for dinner tonight. I shall smile and go through the motions that people somewhat expect you to and perhaps, if I am lucky - I will get graced with a moment or two where I forget the hole in my soul.

I don’t think even my family realise why I focus so much on my mom when it comes to my own birthday… but I do, and that is all that matters. My mom was obsessed with Italy and always wanted to go there… so, for her and for myself - I picked an authentic, family run, local Italian restaurant for our quiet dinner tonight and I will enjoy a glass of red, a delicious bowl of pasta and hope that she is there with me in spirit.

_{My 39th Birthday and the last one I ever got to spend with my mom}

❤❤❤

Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea

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