HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE:IMPERIAL PRESS CONFERENCE (Featuring @lordvader as author)

dragonslayer109 (72)in #funny • 8 years ago

DIARY OF A SITH EPISODE V

Lord Vader : "Greetings loyal followers. I apologize for my absence as of late but I have been dealing with a very troubling group of scumbags who are trying to destroy the Empire's way of life. You know who I'm talking about. It's a term that some others in the Empire are afraid to bring up. But not me. I am a Sith Lord for crying out loud. So I am not afraid to talk about these dirty REBELS. These Rebel scum have attacked us numerous times and they must be stopped. I know how to stop them."

Imperial Propagandist 1 : "Lord Vader, how do you plan to stop them?"

Lord Vader : "Umm I'm not telling you moron. If I tell you, they will know what's coming. Well I guess I can tell you a little. First off, we are going to make sure they can't make any credits. Without credits, they won't be able to afford weapons. Without weapons we crush them like the little bugs they are...like the ones I crushed on Kenobi's robes after I killed the old, decrepit, hermit."

Imperial Propagandist 1 : "How?"

Lord Vader : "Here we go again with that question. I told you it's secret. OK you twisted my arm. Not really. If you did twist my arm, it would fall off because it's robotic... and I'd kill you. I would so cut off your stupid face! But to answer your question, they have taken over many Spice mines and are smuggling the Spice all over the galaxy. So I would blow up the mines. Then have the Hutts come in a rebuild them so we could sell the Spice. Brilliant, right?"

Imperial Propagandist 1 : "But Lord Vader, isn't Spice combustable? If you blew up the mine, wouldn't the Spice blow up as well?"

Lord Vader : "You see, that's why I don't answer these questions. I have a secret way to keep it from blowing up. So secret that no one has ever heard of it. So secret that some people would think it's not physically possible. But it is. Believe me it is. By the way, how are you going to take notes without any arms dimwit?"

Imperial Propagandist 1 : "But I have ar..."

Lord Vader : "Hey Propagandist, If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Awww"

Lord Vader : "Next question."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "No more questions my Lord".

Lord Vader : "Oh my boss said I need to do an 8 minute press conference, so we're doing 8 minutes. So one of you rods better think of something or I'm going to stop being so nice."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "If we take the Spice instead of giving it back to the system who owns it, isn't that stealing?"

Lord Vader : "Your face is stealing! It's stealing my urge not to kill you!"

Lord Vader : "We are the Empire. Who is going to stop us you tool?"

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "OK. What would you do after you destroyed the mines?"

Lord Vader : "I will bomb the bejeebers out of the Rebels."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "But how will you find the rebels. Do you know where the base is? Do they have one central base? Don't they kind of spread out and hide everywhere?"

Lord Vader : "I am so much smarter than they are. And you. And Everyone. I'll find them and then bomb them. We have fabulous T.I.E. Bombers that we never get to use. I will sooooo use those."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "Can you bomb them without killing innocent people?"

Lord Vader : "Probably not."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "Isn't that a problem."

Lord Vader : "Not for me. Maybe for them."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "So is it really ok for us to...never mind. Do you really think you can bomb every single one of them?"

Lord Vader : "Of course. Well maybe not the ones that are underground, or who are moving, or on vacation, or who we can't find, or the ones we don't know about. So yes. We will kill them all. Except for those."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "So what will you do about those who survive the bombings?"

Lord Vader : "We will make sure they can't enter any of the systems we control. We will not let them in."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "How? How will you know they are Rebels?"

Lord Vader : "They all wear those orange jumpsuits."

Imperial Propagandist 2 : "Actually, some don't wear those and some people who wear orange jumpsuits aren't rebels."

Lord Vader : "Nonsense. Perhaps you are a Rebel! Will someone down there please throw him to the ground and remove his clothes? I bet you will find an orange jumpsuit under his uniform. I would use the force to do it, but I am not allowed to take people's clothes off with the force since 'the incident'."
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Imperial Propagandist 3 : "Are you saying that we won't let anyone wearing orange enter any of our systems?"

Lord Vader : "No one will enter our systems if they come from a place where Rebel activity has been encountered."

Imperial Propagandist 3 : " What if they come from one of allied systems?"

Lord Vader : "They will not be allowed to enter. How is this hard to understand? How stupid are you?"

Imperial Propagandist 3 : "Would we still be able to travel to those systems?"

Lord Vader : "I don't know why you would want to, but theoretically you could if you chose."

Imperial Propagandist 3 : "So we could go there but they could not come he..."

Lord Vader : "So sad when a head just mysteriously pops off. Four more minutes left. Let's go."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "Not letting the Rebels in is a brilliant idea. How will you find the ones who were not killed in the bombings and who did not try to enter the system?"

Lord Vader : "Finally a worthy question. We will simply use torture to find them. Have you ever seen my torture devices? There's the cool floating round one that has a needle coming out of it. Some people thought that the needle was was dumb. 'Why not just have a person walk up with the needle and stick it in the scumbag's arm?' they asked. But I said. 'Oh no. A floating black ball is so much cooler. The whiny little twit would see it and be like 'Oh no! Not a floating ball! That's horrible! And it's got a needle... like every doctor I've ever been to!' And then POW, another robot arm comes out with a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol and while the knob is screaming, the robot arm swabs the area. And WHAM, there goes the needle.' Idiot tortured. It is so wicked!"

"Then there's the one I like to call 'The boyfriend greeter'. You strap the scoundrel on one part and slowly lower him onto this cool piece with spikes and sparking stuff. Then he says, 'It hurts'. And I say, 'I know.' ... And then I giggle. But no-one knows I'm giggling, so it's even tougher."

"So I would totally use those. We don't use those enough. We need to use those more."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "My Lord. With all due respect, who would you use them on if we don't know where the Rebels Are?"

Lord Vader : "We would use them on their families of course."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "Their families?"

Lord Vader : "Of course."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "But what if the families are innocent?"

Lord Vader : "Too bad. Shouldn't have a Rebel in the family."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "But what if they are actually loyal to the Empire and their family member is just crazy?"

Lord Vader : "I already answered that question. Imbecile. "

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "But what if the family works for the Empire and is really, really loyal?"

Lord Vader : "Seriously? You are so close to me using the Force to tie your tongue around your neck. It's simple. Don't have a Rebel in your freaking family."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "Last one I promise. Would you use your incredibly cool torture devices on the family members of Rebels, even if the family member was a Sith Lord who was second in command of the Entire Empire?"

Lord Vader : "What are you talking about? I never said I would torture the family members of Rebels? That would be insane."

Imperial Propagandist 4 : "But my Lord. About 30 seconds ago, you said... wait. I have a hologram of it on my data pad. Just give me..."

Lord Vader : "I have never seen a data pad fly into someone's rectum like that and then mysteriously explode. Quite odd. Has it been eight minutes already? Vader out."