Containments (necessities) [Day 13½]
Containments
(necessities)
original poetrywith reading
(@dsound)
In the air closed off behind the walls of dwellings,
Out in the wild and the primordial spaces
There lies an urgency, livid with love unrequited.
It's a thrashing of the breathless, and in the interim
Between the vigor of its pulsations
Despondency, creeping like the briar crown of senescence.
There are smudges of the pristine and of the chemical.
Both cancel each other's reticence to acknowledge the other;
Both eradicate the letters that write their polarities in the sky.
A sky unseen by the dwellers in walls
Too wild, a frontier of banished thoughts,
A warmongering of banished feelings bickering.
Coliseum of the mindless—spaces called empty,
Full with the impossible uncomprehended by the living,
Overflowing with the holy madness of discernment crucified.
Shattered plastic a caricature of elegance, tar, amber shards,
All carrying the memories of exploits enacted atop the concrete
On which they lay under that partitioned air closed off from contact.
Closed off from the infinite home-complacent bubbles, compromise fountains,/
Cherry blossom withered & the fossil of a dandelion seed's flight,
Sap frozen onto sap until it crystalizes into statutes.
Not stone, not blood, nor paper: laws of flesh into plaster,
Squat architecture, sacred arc to contain an artifact safely,
To exclude the open spaces and their forbidden urgency.
Written by
@d-pend
3/19/18
.
► Listen on DSound
► Listen from source (IPFS)
.
Art by
Jakub Kowalczyk
.1 — "Palace of culture & science"
2 — "Sejm"
3 — "Katowice bird's eye"
[flipped & mirrored]
First, nice to see you breaking out of the confines of too-pretty lines, to let lines take their length. So before I get to other things, I'll talk a bit more on formatting?
Starting with the title, why "ContainmentS" and not just "Containment"? Make it clear it is about the situation, the state of being, which in the piece manifests as multiple concrete containment spaces.
Also, not a fan of the sub-title in parentheses. I'd accept it as its own title, but if this is what you want to allude to in the piece, either make it the title, where then it's made clear the containment and containments is seen or is the manifestation of the necessities, or let the readers figure out what is the cause of containment - the adherence to these so-called necessities. But you're trying to eat your cake and have it whole in so doing. That is what one should always check when they find themselves using parentheses (outside of non-fiction writing, such as this use here).
Now, this is really minor, but you are inconsistent with your end-sentence/line punctuation. Sometimes you have commas, sometimes periods, which is obviously fine, but sometimes you leave sentences and stanzas without any punctuation at the end. And no, I'm not talking about when you have a sentence carry over multiple lines.
It's fine to not use end-line/sentence punctuation (though I'm really not a fan), but whichever you go for, you should be consistent.
Unless the lack of consistency serves a purpose, but it doesn't feel that way here. Do tell me if I'm wrong though.
Quite a lot of alliteration in this piece, especially with the S and soft-C sounds. The final lines in the first, second, and fourth stanzas, a "discernment crucified," and more. It's interesting, how this piece is both heavy, yet flows. It keeps you going, as if in a marsh-led slow-moving river. As if in an ode to things falling down, deteriorating, which is what this piece is, I guess.
I quite like the use of "livid" and "senescence," I'm a big fan of words. Not just as they are used, as a writer, but I just like words, and these two words definitely need to be used more. Well, livid when it comes to non-anatomical situations ;-)
"Compromise fountains" is a great image. The last two stanzas in particular are great. While the stanzas beforehand are slower, like fallen blocks to climb over, to a degree, like great monuments to what-was and never-will, these two actually carry the reader more speedily, as if you've found your vigor and your anger, and are speaking clearly over just painting images for us to observe, but invite us to action. The statutes, as well, all nice.
I do find the last line feels unfinished, not as a line, but as a capstone to the stanza. On one hand you too clearly say what you want to, but on the other, it feels like it should've opened the piece, while also not tying up as neatly into the two stanzas that precede it.
I do think your images, while they paint a broad spectrum, could've been cut down some. You paint us a large enough tapestry to fit more than one poem, but if that is all you've done, it'd have been fine, but you also turn to the poetic a bit too much, such as in the 4th stanza - the call to the sky was well-made, and spelling out the metaphor of the wild yet too constrained, but the final line feels like it belongs in another poem. That is to say, not that it doesn't fit this poem, but as if it's the nucleus of an entire poem. But here it is squished in, among everything else.
An ode to the fallen down. An ode to failure. An ode to time's victory over us. An interesting piece, Daniel!
Green city-Warsaw, hahaha.
Art very cool!
You turned the concrete jungle into a natural jungle with that poetry. I love that image of the city dominated by nature!
The body is a temple some fitness junkie once opined, but he only understood in a small way the truth of his words. Our bodies, with all their frailty and organic shortcomings and demands, do house something a little more refined and enduring. Sometimes we are contrasted battle within ourselves.
Marvellous write, Daniel.
There are some weird bots running around. I don't see 84% similarity but honored even if a robot picks it up. If there is any similarity it's just because I have read @d-pend's poems every day for four months. It is not intentional. Each poem is unique and beautiful in itself. There are definite connections though. The words are about beauty and life and taking a step more. It is surprising to me that a computer can figure this out.
I do believe after participating in the poetry contest i am becoming perfect day by day and my writing skills are getting better for that wonderful approach, i have massive respect for you @d-pend :)
This poem and your voice over is a true mixture of the finest creativity and i loved the every single word of it <3
Stay Blessed :)
In my opinion these words are saying about the environment which became really unbearable we are causing so much chemical waste and we are we spreading the harmful smoke all over the sky and these pictures have the deep messages means we should stop those activities which hurting our mother nature otherwise nature can showcase the different face. Thanks for sharing this poetry with us and wishing you an great day. Stay blessed. 🙂
Love the artwork you chose for this poetry.
You have got loads of fancy English words in your piece.
Obvi, this is legendary level poetry.
Hi @d-pend! Thanks for your Steemit contribution.
My name is @hounddog and I am a bot that reads every post on this platform and connects similar content. I want to help people find publications that they like, so rewards are distributed fairly. Based on the content of your post, you and your readers may also be interested in these publications:
1: my dsound 34 Electro Orchestral ...but a mirage... by @vachemorte (86% match)
2: Misty Mountain Hop by @mineopoly (84% match)
3: Intergalactic Swap Station 396 Original dark ambient glitch by @juliakponsford (85% match)
If you want to know more about me or get some personalized recommendations, CHECK OUT MY NEWEST PUBLICATION!
Have a nice day and sincerely yours,
HoundDogWow, this poetry is an advance one and one might get lost in the spoken words. Nice one