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RE: Containments (necessities) [Day 13½]

in #dsound6 years ago

First, nice to see you breaking out of the confines of too-pretty lines, to let lines take their length. So before I get to other things, I'll talk a bit more on formatting?

Starting with the title, why "ContainmentS" and not just "Containment"? Make it clear it is about the situation, the state of being, which in the piece manifests as multiple concrete containment spaces.
Also, not a fan of the sub-title in parentheses. I'd accept it as its own title, but if this is what you want to allude to in the piece, either make it the title, where then it's made clear the containment and containments is seen or is the manifestation of the necessities, or let the readers figure out what is the cause of containment - the adherence to these so-called necessities. But you're trying to eat your cake and have it whole in so doing. That is what one should always check when they find themselves using parentheses (outside of non-fiction writing, such as this use here).

Now, this is really minor, but you are inconsistent with your end-sentence/line punctuation. Sometimes you have commas, sometimes periods, which is obviously fine, but sometimes you leave sentences and stanzas without any punctuation at the end. And no, I'm not talking about when you have a sentence carry over multiple lines.
It's fine to not use end-line/sentence punctuation (though I'm really not a fan), but whichever you go for, you should be consistent.
Unless the lack of consistency serves a purpose, but it doesn't feel that way here. Do tell me if I'm wrong though.

Quite a lot of alliteration in this piece, especially with the S and soft-C sounds. The final lines in the first, second, and fourth stanzas, a "discernment crucified," and more. It's interesting, how this piece is both heavy, yet flows. It keeps you going, as if in a marsh-led slow-moving river. As if in an ode to things falling down, deteriorating, which is what this piece is, I guess.

I quite like the use of "livid" and "senescence," I'm a big fan of words. Not just as they are used, as a writer, but I just like words, and these two words definitely need to be used more. Well, livid when it comes to non-anatomical situations ;-)

"Compromise fountains" is a great image. The last two stanzas in particular are great. While the stanzas beforehand are slower, like fallen blocks to climb over, to a degree, like great monuments to what-was and never-will, these two actually carry the reader more speedily, as if you've found your vigor and your anger, and are speaking clearly over just painting images for us to observe, but invite us to action. The statutes, as well, all nice.

I do find the last line feels unfinished, not as a line, but as a capstone to the stanza. On one hand you too clearly say what you want to, but on the other, it feels like it should've opened the piece, while also not tying up as neatly into the two stanzas that precede it.

I do think your images, while they paint a broad spectrum, could've been cut down some. You paint us a large enough tapestry to fit more than one poem, but if that is all you've done, it'd have been fine, but you also turn to the poetic a bit too much, such as in the 4th stanza - the call to the sky was well-made, and spelling out the metaphor of the wild yet too constrained, but the final line feels like it belongs in another poem. That is to say, not that it doesn't fit this poem, but as if it's the nucleus of an entire poem. But here it is squished in, among everything else.

An ode to the fallen down. An ode to failure. An ode to time's victory over us. An interesting piece, Daniel!

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