Comedy Open Mic 20 - "IndestructiBilly the Kid" - An Original Radio Play... All Voices by Me
Howdy friends!
I'm back this week with a little audio skit I've written and performed just for you! It's about an old west outlaw named IndestructiBilly the Kid... It seems he was immune to bullets...
![Karaoke (1).png](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcMp3ieA8CPJBFApKh9XjMwT7v5n5es6rJKf3iKwTCm2U/Karaoke%20(1).png)
My amazing wife, @carrieallen, did the audio mixing for me... She's magic. The voices? All me! Hope you like it!
INDESTRUCTIBILLY THE KID
By Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
NARRATOR - An old cowboy, storyteller
BILLY - Kid turned bullet-proof villain
JOHNNY - His kid brother. Died young.
SIDEKICK - Billy’s sidekick, name not important
RUTHLESS JOE - Billy’s most adequate sidekick
OLD GUS - Old drunk man in a bar in Abilene
NARRATOR
In the times of railroads and robbers, saloons and snake-eyes, guns and gold diggers, boy you had to watch your back. There was always some belly-crawling, snake-sucking son-of-a Siberian wolverine waiting on yer britches to make a wrong move, then POW! Your gold was their gold, and you was as lost and forgotten as that dust out on the prairie. Yessir, the old west was some dangerous and rotten times, where you had to spend some lead to get ahead, and I don’t mean that lead was currency, cause it weren’t like that. No, you see, lead was what they used to make bullets, and bullets were what they used to kill people, and if you was livin in one of those railroad towns, boy you probably did your fair share of killin. But with all that killin and dyin and stealin, there was one unsung hero who roamed the West doing one thing: Surviving. That’s not to say that he didn’t get into fights. He even got shot. I’d say “more than most” but that’s sellin him short. This feller got shot all the time, never seems to bother him. I’m gonna tell you about Indestructibilly The Kid.
BILLY
Be careful with that thing, Johnny! You know we just little kids. Guns our dangerous, my grand-pappy told me and he fought in the Civil War!
JOHNNY
Lighten up, Billy! Here, I’ll be the cowboy, you be the Injun!
SOUND FX - GUNSHOT
BILLY
Shoot, Johnny! You shot me! See what I mean? I’m probably gonna die now!
JOHNNY
Then why you still standin there shouting? Shouldn’t you be fallin over bleeding or something?
BILLY
I’d of thought so… I mean, it hurt, but I seem to be okay.
JOHNNY
That’s amazing! Let me try!
BILLY
Johnny, NOOOO!!!!
SOUND FX - GUNSHOT
NARRATOR
Yep, that was the day that Billy found out about his immunity to bullets, but in the most tragic way possible. His kid brother Johnny had shot himself in the head, thinking he could survive like Billy. Billy never forgave himself for being indestructible, he renamed himself Indestructibilly the Kid, and began his lifelong crime spree across the West.
BILLY
You better shoot me a few more times just to make sure!
SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS
I done told ya! I’m Indestructibilly the Kid. Don’t know why or how, but I’m immune to bullets!
NARRATOR
Nothing was off limits for Indestructibilly the Kid. Drinking, smoking, cheating at cards, assault, barn-burning, murder, rape, high treason… didn’t matter. Ole Billy had a hand in all of it. He was one cold-hearted son of a bitch. And he loved killing.
SIDEKICK
We got all the money boss. You and me’s got plenty of hands to hold it all. We can probably just let these people go.
BILLY
No, we’re killing all of them!
SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS
SIDEKICK
Watch out, Billy! The guard!
SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS
Oh no! He got you a few times!
BILLY
Dammit, we’ve been through this. Immune to bullets!
SIDEKICK
Hey, Billy? Not to crittercize, but shouldn’t you oughtta leave one alive every now and again, just so they can tell the story. Yu know, so word gets around?
BILLY
That’s a fantastic idea, Sidekick. Alright, random bank guard, you’re the lucky one who’s gonna live to tell the tale of my terrible criminism.
SIDEKICK
I don’t think criminism is a word, sir--
SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS
BILLY
Damn. Gonna have to get myself a new sidekick.
NARRATOR
And that’s about how it went for Indestructibilly the Kid and his sidekicks. He hardly ever took the time to remember their names. He’d jst call ‘em “Sidekick” until he shot ‘em dead. He did finally find a son of a bitch ruthless enough to stick with him for years. Matter of fact, his name was ruthless Joe.
JOE
Damn, Indestructibilly the Kid, you sure are a bad criminal. What do you say we combine this outfit. I’ll even let you be the frontman.
BILLY
Well, if the way you just knocked over that caravan is any indication of your savage brutality, how can I resist? But you should know before we get into this thing, I’m pretty much indestructible.
JOE
Yeah, that’s your nickname, I get it.
BILLY
No, I don’t think you do. I’m actually immune to bullets. Least that’s what the doctor called it when I’s a kid.
JOE
I see. Can you tell me how to be immune to bullets?
BILLY
Fraid not, friend. I’m the only one. So you gonna be my sidekick or not?
NARRATOR
So Indestructibilly the Kid and Ruthless Joe rode the countryside, striking fear into the hearts of the pioneers. Dodge City, Denver, Kansas City, Tombstone, Cody, yep, they got around, leaving a trail of blood and bodies longer than my… Well, long. Ole Indestructibilly finally met his match in a old man he met in an Abilene saloon. Retired Sheriff as a matter of fact, now just a drunkard at the local bar, went by the name of old Gus.
OLD GUS
Lemme get this straight… You can’t get shot?
BILLY
I can get shot… I just don’t die from it.
OLD GUS
But does it hurt?
BILLY
Hurts like hell old man! But I always come out fine.
OLD GUS
What about knives? You immune to knives?
BILLY
Dunno. Never tried to stab myself.
OLD GUS
What are you? Chicken? Here’s a knife.
BILLY
I ain’t no chicken, I’ll show you old man!
SOUND FX - CUT AND DIE
NARRATOR
It turns out Indestructibilly the Kid weren’t immune to knives after all. I guess he shoulda looked into that one. So now you know. Ruthless Joe kept doing crime for a few years, but then he got shot in Reno, just cause a man in black wanted to watch him die. You probably ain’t never heard of Indestructibilly the Kid before, and you may never again, but remember, just cause you can take a bullet, that don’t mean you should go lookin for trouble.
SOUND FX - WHIP CRACK AND MUSIC
THE END
![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmXitsGZR1phB7qyDUdkR35VZRrScSPvfaXcNMCCXZky83/giphy.gif)
That was pretty damn cool. I actually am also bulletbroof , but I was not born that way. It took years and years of trying. I started out with a very small calliber .22 and just kept shooting my self until I built up an immunity then I stepped up to a .25 . I am pruod to say as of right now i am good with anything .45 acp and smaller and 12 guage in shotgun. Everyone should try my method.
Thanks! :D
I have a feeling that I'm one of those guys that gets shot once and just goes down for good... lol
You kept your character well @chrisroberts. It's great that your wife helps you out in your Steemit endeavors. I can see how her recording skills match your creativity and playfulness.
And a moral of the story
I'm not looking for any trouble, just promoting this post.
@mineopoly
I tried to have Carrie show me a few things about the sound programs, but I didn't learn very much... still looks like magic. LOL
Thanks! :D As always, appreciate the support @mineopoly!
THis is hilarious! You had me laughing out of my ass! Only thing I am immune to is beans.
thank ya kindly fine sir. that just provided me with a heck-a-lota inner smile.
You're very welcome! :D
Thank you for listening; I've got plenty more original radio sketches to produce.
That was pretty. You got a good face -- I mean voice -- for SoundCloud.
Thanks, @blockurator! I'm really enjoying the voice acting stuff. :D @carrieallen has developed some sound editing skills... we've got more stuff coming soon.
Just yesterday we aired Episode 7 of Space Carrie's Adventures in Space, a completely original Steemian comedy series.
We're only days away from the debut of The Chronicles of Steemtown... a totally original Western Musical comedy series! :)
Stay tuned, and thanks for your support! :D
pocketsend:11@chrisroberts, play around with the token of fun - POCKET!
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Thanks for using POCKET! I am running Pocket-JS confirmer code.
Lovin' all the voices Chris! Seriously awesome and hilarious job. I love the writing too. Super clever stuff. As usual.
I love the "hey, let me try." part. that was funny.
and did you do all the sound effects, or did Carrie put those together?
Thanks, @littlescribe! :D I'm glad I got this one produced. Carrie did the sound effects. She makes it look easy.
upvote for me please? https://steemit.com/news/@bible.com/2sysip
@chrisroberts You have received a 100% upvote from @steemheater because this post did not use any bidbots and you have not used bidbots in the last 30 days!
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"not using bots" feels like a strange reason to get an upvote from a bot... ;)
Good show, old boy. You guys are fantastic. We're still waiting to find out about doing a show with you guys.
Thanks! :D Last couple weeks we've been completely absorbed in #steemmonsters lore writing. We'll be getting back to the sketch comedy, DLiving an general hilarity.