Sunny Outside, Storm Inside [Writer's Journal]
I think sometimes that life shouldn't be this difficult.
Some days even consciousness feels like a burden.
Have you felt the interminable tick of life passing, how consciousness is one long string disconnected from the moment you're born until the day you die? Even when you're asleep your brain is working furiously. It can seem exhausting to me when I feel weary, that I have to continue to live in this skin and keep thinking until death comes.
Well, maybe you have.
I know that I'm privileged - I was born intelligent, with plenty of food to eat, and also I'm about a 6 in the looks department. I've had many opportunities in my life - I was a game designer at the age of 20, I published my first book at 21, and I've lived in places like Austin, Seattle, and San Diego. I've been really poor before, and homeless, but I always bounced back.
Some children are born with AIDS and others spend years starving before succumbing to death. I was born in suburbia in Texas so sometimes it seems that I shouldn't be allowed to feel pain. Considered to many people who are born in abject poverty or forced to live in a war-torn country, my pains are small.
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But trauma doesn't take into account that others have had it worse than you, and just because other people have worse pain doesn't mean yours isn't significant.
I know that most of my posts are positive these days, but recovery isn't an upward trajectory and I have cried many days, and drank bottles of wine to try to numb the pain. I have done stupid and harmful things to people I loved out of fear and acted abusive because I was not raised in a healthy environment where people automatically responded to each other with love and understanding.
I know that I messed up today.
I feel the hurt in my gut and stomach.
Eat all the cheetos, drink all the vodka, give yourself time to feel sad. But life moves on and you must move with it. The worst thing you can do is wallow in your mistakes and not push forward.
I know that days like this are becoming less and less frequent. In the last few months I've been more productive and cheerful than I've ever been, but I don't want to portray the false idea that I'm completely cured of sadness, or that I don't have bad days, because I do.
I keep pushing forward, and I refuse to give up. I know what I want for my life, and I know the way to get it is to keep moving. Stasis is the enemy, and entropy is the killer.
It's never too late until it is. And even if you don't move forward, time will, pulling you in its inevitable wake. Consciousness may be a burden or a gift, but it isn't going to go away, and you will never get a break until the last one.
You can find me on Twitter, Facebook, and my website. You can also buy one of my books here.
Other Posts You May Be Interested In:
The Writer Writes the Same Damn Thing [Psycho-Surreal Memoirs]
I Like Watching You Learn How to Be Alive [PTSD Series: Part 5]
The Importance of Narrative Design in Video Games
Carry The Glowing Seed, Plant Reality from the Dream [PTSD Series: Part 4]
Art Therapy at the Space Station [Psycho-Surreal Memoirs]
The Symptoms of PTSD, and my symptoms [PTSD Series: Part 3]
The Waking Journal [Psycho-Surreal Memoirs]
Sylvia Plath and I [Fiction]
I am with you, sister. I love your willingness to share your story, your vulnerability is a huge gift to this world!! So, thank you kindly! Sometimes I truly wish I could shut off my brain. Sometimes I cut ties with someone and then I still have to see them within a dream (seems like more of a nightmare tbh) and it just drags it all out a bit longer... I'm curious about what kind of games you have designed!! I also don't feel your pain is invalid in any way, just because you are in a somewhat regular part of the world. You have every right to feel pain. But I can see that you know this too <3 I'm so glad you are still pushing forward <3 I feel this post so much! I lash out all the time, and can't keep my cool when things really bother or hurt me... I'm definitely going to keep pushing forward too. This really can't last FOREVER, right?!
ps. if you use discord, I'd love to chat <3
my username is the same there as it is here.
Thank you for sharing your story!!
I hate that people linger in dreams when they are unwanted - I don't know when my brain will 'resolve' these things because sometimes people show up for years.
I worked at Zynga, Z2, and EA Mobile so the games I've worked on have mostly been mobile stuff - Battle Nations (no longer on the store I think), Heroes of Dragon Age, and TheVille. My favorite game I have worked on was State of Decay 2, which isn't released yet. I was a contract writer for that one.
I do have discord, actually. Feel free to add me, I'm snowballterminator#2786 on there. You seem like a very cool lady.
Yeah, I am working on processing these things before they go too far, I don't want to keep pushing things down. I have a feeling we are going to have a LOT to talk about @snowmachine
Why is that last game your favourite, btw?
I've just realized I have no idea how to look up someone's name on Discord yet :O
There's really no other way but to move forward.. the world won't stop spinning for us. When we die, people will forget us and move on. We are not that special really. So, it's up to us to make our own lives worthwhile for the short duration of our time here on earth.
Definitely. I think when we let go of our specialness is when we really gain the freedom to live our lives the way we want, and be our own people. After all - there is no god or cosmic destiny tapping its foot, waiting for us to achieve greatness. It's just us and the universe, and although our actions do resonate with others and are important, in the grand scale of the cosmos we are very small.
Ugh. This gets to me. I feel similarly about consciousness and existence. I try to stay hopeful, but it's a difficult balancing act. I hope the load becomes easier to bear for you.
If only it did, things would be different. But these words are so true, and comparison can actually entrap us. I have been struck by this many times also. At least I wasn't be in [which ever country is currently undergoing suffering], or at sometime in the past where barbarism did rule over civility. Sure all true, but no, trauma still here.
Having that perception can be beneficial, so long as we can differentiate, and don't punish ourselves for the suffering that others also go through. Empathy over competition. But ultimately each person walks their own unique path, with it's own unique challenges.
You are right, perception is beneficial, as long as we don't use it to browbeat ourselves.
It's easy to look at other people and see that they're better/worse off than us, but it's important to remember they have not had the life we've had, the challenges and experiences we've had.
I know I don't know you well, but I feel proud of you for your fight. It's amazing. Honestly, you are a strong and beautiful person with a lot to offer. And I love how you share: not too much in a way that is suffocating to the reader, but you share in a way that is honest, humble, and edifying. It's sober, but somehow still hopeful. Thank you for shooting from the hip with your writing and sharing so much of your life with us here.
(I'm always hilariously self-conscious of what I write in your comments, especially when I'm tired: not used to writing for another writer! And you are indeed the real deal. Genius is going to come out of what you've suffered and triumphed through.)
Thank you @kayclarity. Even if you feel self-conscious I enjoy your insights and comments, and I'm glad my writing resonates with you.