Carry The Glowing Seed, Plant Reality from the Dream [PTSD Series: Part 4]
1
If you feel like you have not lived up to the standards that you've set for yourself as a human being, remember this:
Who you are is also who you want to be. We are not only our actions, but our thoughts and will and desires.
And every day at each critical moment you must ask yourself, "What would the person I want to be, be doing in this situation?"
Then you do that. And you keep doing that until it becomes second nature.
And each day you step a little more into a comfortable skin, into a life worth living.
2
I will repeat this, because it is important. This is the solution to fixing your problems:
First, you stop panicking.
Then, you remember that you are in control and that it is possible to get better.
Then, you do what needs to be done.
Repeat these steps for the rest of your life.
3
My main issue with books about PTSD (And why I'm writing this series) is that they're often focused on the trauma, and the pain that came from the trauma.
Then the 'recovery' is relegated to a few chapters at the end, or a brief aside.
(Except for 'The Body Keeps the Score', which is an excellent book about PTSD and I highly recommend everyone who has possible issues with PTSD to check it out.)
Oftentimes it's because the trauma is the juicy part. That's what makes the story. And recovery can be an ephemeral, personal thing that's difficult to put into words. Oftentimes people don't know how they -got- better, just something snapped one day and they realized they couldn't live like that. So it becomes an afterthought, a prologue.
But people like me are often left feeling confused.
So that's why I wrote this series-
To show that recovery can be as brilliant and interesting as the struggle itself.
We carry the glowing seed of hope across the desert and we plant it and nurture it to build a life out of a fantastical dream.
4
I don't want to get into the reasons why I have PTSD because I feel like they're irrelevant. The basic gist is that it came from childhood trauma.
I used to go to therapists who'd want to endlessly rehash my trauma. I understand that it can be good to share those things with someone if you've kept them bottled up inside of you for years, to release the weight that you've been carrying for years. But just talking about the trauma doesn't magically heal it, and having a revelation that something hurt you very badly is only the first step in a long road to mending the hurt.
And I have to be honest, I'm afraid to show my diary entries and my memories of the past. I am no contact with my mother and step-dad, but I know that they hunt for me me online and search for any mentions of them. They've threatened me with legal action in the past for talking about them, and I have the emails that they sent where they deny everything, tell me that I am a liar, and that "my creative license should be revoked." Yes, I admit, I am afraid because I don't want to spend another night sobbing on the floor the next time they send me an email.
The last time that happened, I drank all of my roommate's beer (I did apologize and offer to rebuy it for him), and vomited so hard that I got acid burns on my throat that lasted for three weeks. Maybe one day I won't feel the wracking pain through my body everytime they contact me - but that will come later.
The trauma itself isn't important. What's important is how you deal with it afterwards.
So as it in stories: The preceding event is what causes all actions to collide into the crucial decision. We've been derailed on the train/the airplane has crashed/the partner has left/our house has burned down.
What do we do next? How do we react? How do we rebuild our lives from the smattering of atoms and the obliteration of everything we loved/cared for/desired/needed?
That's what defines who we are, not the trauma itself.
This is actually some of the best advice I have ever read on handling this issue. I like your emphasis on not talking endlessly about the trauma, and instead focusing on what to do to heal.
Thank you. I am (and i trust that other also are) benefiting from this series of yours. Your explanations cut through a lot of wired in crap and make a space for a healthy understanding to start to grow.
Thank you, I'm glad you found something of value in this. I know I'm not qualified as a mental health professional, but I am just sharing what worked for me, I hope others can find hope in it.
It's the fact that it has worked for you, and you can talk about it with a sense of personal authority that has me paying attention. A lot of people have views and ideas on the topic, but someone who has walked the necessary steps is different. I know not all things work for all people, but this is still good to know.
I strongly identify with your story and have also been diagnosed with PTSD. For many years I was misdiagnosed and suffered with major depression, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, and OCD. Drugs, drinking and self-harm were my medications. Rage was my relief valve.
Finally a female doctor at the VA convinced me of the PTSD diagnosis and helped me learn how to deal with the symptoms.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your journey. Resteeming🐓
I think trauma is a vastly underlooked reason for mental illness in our society, and it can manifest in so many different ways that it disguises itself as other mental disorders. I had the same experience - anorexia, depression, anxiety, etc. were all just manifestations of my trauma and me trying to cope with it. Some psychologists think most mental illness is trauma-based.
I honestly had no idea what was wrong with me up until a few years ago. I just thought I was "Crazy"
Nice nice
Very nice your writing, i like this post. i want your next post give us, all the best.......
One does have to move on, especially in that what you mentioned about the searching for you, trying to extend the trauma when you don't want anything to do with them, it's disgusting.
Hugs @snowmachine
I admire your courage in sharing these.
Very interesting and well expressed post, thanks for sharing it and gently holding this space for us!
I read in a Caroline Myss book, I forget which one, about the concept of what she called "woundology" where we focus on the wound, the hurt, the pain and on how most people never break the cycle, preferring to live in their support groups, endlessly discussing the "wounds" picking away at the scabs and scars, perpetuating the hamsterwheeling that puts us in continuous victim consciousness. As you rightly point out, this a necessary part of the process...but it is only one step along the way on the journey to balanced wholeness and strong emotional health.
Breaking free from this "poor me" attitude, whatever the causes, is an act of pure unparalled bravery from the deepest aspects of the inner self. And while I am not saying don't do the therapy, counselling or support, medical help or whatever helps you...I am making the point that one day, if you do the digging work, go no contact, learn to live again, love again, trust again, there will come a day when you will not only have survived the abuses and the pain, but you will rise up, flaming in glory like the proverbial Phoenix, and on wings of fire, fly into the land of thrive!
And this is what I wish for you, dear friend!
In peace and with love,
lilygolightly⭐️