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PTSD Symptoms

There are four types of PTSD symptoms as explained by the Department of Veteran Affairs:

Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)

Memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. For example:

You may have nightmares.
You may feel like you are going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
You may see, hear, or smell something that causes you to relive the event. This is called a trigger. News reports, seeing an accident, or hearing a car backfire are examples of triggers.

Avoiding situations that remind you of the event

You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example:

You may avoid crowds, because they feel dangerous.
You may avoid driving if you were in a car accident or if your military convoy was bombed.
If you were in an earthquake, you may avoid watching movies about earthquakes.
You may keep very busy or avoid seeking help because it keeps you from having to think or talk about the event.

Negative changes in beliefs and feelings

The way you think about yourself and others changes because of the trauma. This symptom has many aspects, including the following:

##You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.
Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. You might suddenly become angry or irritable. This is known as hyperarousal. For example:

You may have a hard time sleeping.
You may have trouble concentrating.
You may be startled by a loud noise or surprise.
You might want to have your back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room.

C-PTSD Symptoms

C-PTSD symptoms can differ from PTSD symptoms. C-PTSD comes from an extended period of trauma instead of a singular event. This can include experience in a concentration camp and long term childhood abuse. According to the Department of Veteran Affairs there are several additional symptoms seen in those with C-PTSD:

An individual who experienced a prolonged period (months to years) of chronic victimization and total control by another may also experience the following difficulties:

Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).
Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
One's System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

A List of My Symptoms

Some (But not all of my symptoms) at the time of 2.28.2016:

• Disassociated from reality as a normal mode of being (This can often manifest as clumsiness, or a lack of awareness)
• Poor object permanence, for lack of a better term, when it came to relationships and other people’s actions and emotional states
• My life was a series of flashbacks intermingled with reality. Random phrases, looks, thoughts, feelings, would throw me back to the time of a traumatic event and I’d start responding as if I was not in the present moment. Oftentimes would do this without being aware of it.
• Poor sense of self and boundaries. Did not know how to say “No” without first getting angry or even why it was okay for me to say no in the first place.
• Periods of severe depression
• Terrible nightmares, sometimes with hallucinations, sleep paralysis, occasionally wake up gasping for air like I couldn’t breathe. These occurred at least every week and sometimes up to 4-5 times a week.
• I was crying nearly every day. I had maybe 1 day out of 10 or 12 where I did not cry.
• Straight up flashbacks to being a child where I’d scream, cry, become inconsolable, and VERY angry
• Feeling of hopelessness when it came to my writing. Sluggishness, because I lacked the motivation to care about life.
• Could NOT sleep alone without severe difficulty. Would sometimes wake up sobbing and angry if I had to sleep alone.
• I’d often go into a downward spiral of bad thoughts, about my worthlessness among other things, sometimes 2-5 times a day, that left me
• Feelings of weakness and hopelessness that often prevented me from doing basic day-to-day functions
• Lacked focus, on nearly everything
• Constant state of hypervigilance. Always feeling like I was about to be attacked
• Feeling like I could not take care of myself emotionally, or I did not deserve it.
• Felt constantly like I’d “Get in trouble” for doing things like going out, talking to people, or doing something fun. To the point that my anxiety oftentimes made doing the “fun” thing unenjoyable
• Could not look people in the eyes
• Varying degrees of social anxiety, depending on my mood and the situation

Some things that helped before 2.28.2016:

• Robert helped me set up a diet and exercise routine October of last year, which helped me in my anorexia remission and freed up a lot of mental space for me to do other tasks. Anorexia is a lot about distraction, so it can take up a lot of time in the day.
  • And things like planning and cooking my food everyday, and exercising, gave me practice in self-discipline that I did not have before
• Like I said previously, I had the ability to quit my job which many people do not. This gave me a lot of margin for error and time to focus on this work.
• I’d stopped drinking for a period of time and then significantly reduced my drinking afterwards
• I had a support system and living with someone who truly loved me and cared about my wellbeing. This was critical, because I was not divesting enormous amounts of mental energy in fighting people who may not have had my best interests in mind.
• I had done some mental work earlier with Robert’s help, so I learned basic concepts like thought control, better logical thinking, boundaries with other people, and independence

Things I did after 2.28.2016. Some of these were more effective than others, and I may have missed a few:

• Went to a therapist that specialized in somatic experiencing therapy, instead of talk therapy. She gave me some techniques to begin to stop disassociating (Which is I’ve come to believe, the primary key for PTSD and why PTSD can exist) and it was helpful to have someone who I did not have a prior relationship with to talk to.

  • I did a lot of research about the kind of therapist I wanted and screened her on a phone call before our first first visit.

• Read as much about PTSD and trauma as I could, with books and online materials. Information is always good, but I did not find too many useful exercises to apply to real life.

• Meditated. Trained my brain to focus and stop running rampant. Allowed me to see chains of thought patterns and how a stray thought was leading into a spiral of shame or self-loathing or anger.

• Walked the dogs a lot. Went out into the woods for 45 - 1 /12 at a time with puppies. Therapist said that seeing things with peripheral vision actually relaxed us, because focus was used for stressful situations.

• Exercised. Almost every day, until my hip started hurting.

• Downloaded “Streaks” and made sure I did everything on my list every day - meditate, notice reality, write, status update.

• Notice reality techniques including focusing on the details of an object, taking in the environment, and holding two thoughts at once - that of my body and that of the outside world.

• Practicing object permanence. Trying to imagine that things still existed outside of my vision, and without my input.

• Tried to teach myself self-soothing. Began to listen to music when I felt sad, or try to browse tumblr, instead of immediately running to someone else for comfort.

  • At first this felt near impossible, but it did get better over time, and more manageable

• Talked to my “inner child” or “protector” (Occasionally the voice that tells you in varying degrees you are no good, and everyone will let you down.)

  • This was a long process where I first had to gain control by demanding that it stop yelling at me, before I was able to listen to its demands and complaints.

• I did not do this until June, when is when first SERIOUSLY begin to see improvement, but I tracked my emotional and physical states across days, twice a day, with notes and a color and number scheme to rate emotional severity.

  • This allowed me to see patterns in my thinking and emotions, and what

• Made a playlist of music that was either angry or upbeat, to try to snap me out of depressive emotional states

  • I later changed this playlist to “FOCUS”, because learning to focus was one of the most important lessons

• Took acid. I didn’t do this for the purpose of healing, but it opened up a lot of things that I’d been blocking out.

• Set a reminder on my phone to “stop and think” every 2-3 hours so I could make sure my current actions were aligning with my ultimate goals

• Wrote notes around the house reminding myself to sonder

• Practiced DBT techniques like visualizations of

• Made sure that I took care of my future self, by writing almost every day, studying, reading, and doing other tasks for my career and life

• Found new recipes to cook and made food often, which I found was a reliable way to make something that I was proud of, and gave me something substantial to focus on

Symptoms that have improved:

• I still disassociate, but I’m beginning to notice objects and patterns that I did not before and have generally become more aware of my surroundings and circumstances
• Better object permanence - especially when Robert has been gone for extended periods
• Better separation of trauma from triggers - although I still have flashbacks at least on a weekly basis if not more.
• Many instances where I was able to say no or stand up for myself with various people - without feeling guilt or feeling bad, because I recognized my own boundaries and rules for interacting with me.
• I still have nightmares and sleep paralysis, but I have been able to soothe myself quicker after waking up from them.
• I still cry a lot. I don’t know if this has really improved, but I’ve been able to snap myself out of crying easier.
• I still have flashbacks, but can more easily recognize them and pull myself out of them.
• I often feel excited to work and write, and do things during the day, when before I lacked enthusiasm about.
• Still have trouble sleeping alone, but has vastly improved.
• Better able to track my thoughts and avoid shame and depression spirals, although they still occur occasionally.
• Still have days where I don’t want to function, but I Recognize this state is temporary and many times have pulled myself out of the desire to stay in bed and do nothing.
• My focus has definitely improved
• Better able to take care of myself emotionally and pull myself out of sadness.
• More conviction when it comes to the fact that I deserve to enjoy myself, do what I want, and not feel bad about it.
• Have begun practicing looking people in the eyes
• Social anxiety has improved as I begin to have a greater sense of self worth