How I Use Writing to Free Myself from Violence
When I began writing in earnest the first time (and the second), I masked my personal pain by sticking to fiction. It felt safe because, under that label, I had freedom to adjust people and situations so they weren't true, or present true situations as though they were false. I created a bubble for myself. A net to fall back on in case anyone came forward and accused me of sharing too much.
But the truth kept eating at me. My writing suffered. Twice, I shut down my blogs and stopped trying to publish. I have a 192 page thesis of short stories that is quite good, but I've never shopped around. Why? Those were the stories I wanted to tell. Each holds nuggets of my personal life experience. But none of them are truly true. Which meant no matter how many different sets of eyes read my words, I would never be seen.
When we grow up abused, we grow up silenced. We learn to stay out of the light, to follow the rules, to people please, to keep quiet. Fiction was my way of staying silent. I tried to write through rape, violence, fear, you name it. There was no release. In fact, I kept writing the same stories over and over.
It is said the third time is the charm. For me, that is accurate. The third time I launched [my blog[(honeyquill.com), I made a commitment to myself and to the readership who have loyally followed me from platform to platform; I promised to tell the truth.
There is nothing more terrifying than being honest about the traumas we have experienced, especially when we know those who harmed us will see them. My reasons for doing so were varied. Top on the list were the need to write through my trauma, to let others know they weren't alone by sharing, and be witnessed. By writing my truth, I broke the golden rule of abuse. I was no longer silent.
There was immediate pushback. My family vacillates from being proud to being humiliated. They believe I share too much about myself, them, my children. That's why I always ask myself if what I am writing is necessary and helpful before hitting go.
I am not out to shame anyone. I am breaking my shame. The cycle of abuse that is inside me stops with me.
Writing honestly is hard, vulnerable work, but it's worth it. Every time I share (and always with compassion) a piece of how I became the person I am, I am claiming a power I was long denied. A power no one should be denied. I am defining who I am and choosing to make my impact a heartbeat instead of a strike.
I understand that those who hurt me will feel stricken. That is not the goal. And because I know that, I can keep writing and healing with love for myself and, yes, even love for those who did me harm. That is not now. It was then. I am not the child that was hurt, I am the woman that is healing.
Where are you in your story?
images from pixabay.com
There is a painful irony in what you have shared. You shared that you masked your personal pain, and that you did, but how horrible that victims are pressured into silence in these horrific situations. And why? To protect the predator? Do we not want them to experience the discomfort of public scrutiny for their actions so we instead place a stigma on being abused? WTF? Is it to protect the family image? Is it some shame that someone has been victimized? Or is the useless POS who committed the crime part of the family so we pretend it didn't happen so it won't be uncomfortable when we carve the turkey together at the holidays? Are you kidding me? Break out the tar and feathers. Put them in town square in stocks. Tattoo "Abusive Ass" on their forehead. Victims should be able to hold their heads high and testify to their sufferings to that the beast that perpetrated them will been seen for what they are. Darkness hate the light, and when we stifle truth by trying to smooth things over as if somehow being hurt is a disgrace. Not to mention that many abusive predators are not content when they finish their hunt. Many will hunt again, and those who create a hostile environment for the wounded are complicit with the continued evil that so often occurs. If you don't want your name associated with humiliating, cowardly attacks on others... let's see... don't hurt people! It isn't as if these things are accidents. We need to embrace the victims of crime and hold them up, dispelling the notion that their experiences lessen their value or have left them soiled. We need to decide as a society that these behaviors deserve to be crushed out of existence... along with those who commit them. Let the truth be told... let not even shadows remain where the evil can duck for cover. Heal and be well. No longer wear the chains of tormentors who pour the salt of shame or guilt into the wounds of abuse. You got this.
This is deeply validating and, if I might suggest, could be an amazing post fleshed out on your blog. ❤️
you are too kind... people aren't interested in what I write... I was just mouthing off in response to your words.
I am interested!
wow..its a great post
Thank you. <3
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You are an incredible writer! Wow. And you are very brave.
❤️ Thank you so much! This means quite a lot.
This post is sponsored by @appreciator in collaboration with #steemitbloggers. Keep up the good work
Yay! Thank you!
Great defense of honesty especially while addressing trauma with writing.
Thank you. :)
Hi @shawnamawna, I just stopped back to let you know your post was one of my favourite reads and I included it in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about your post here.
If you’d like to nominate someone’s post just visit the Steemit Ramble Discord
Thank you!
Thank you for telling your important story here.
Hope it inspires others.
Thank you so much for reading. 😊
Ahh this pose resonated with me on so many levels. Being open about what you feel and go through is never easy, but who says good things come easily. As much as opening up about your pain, trauma and thoughts is hard, it is extremely liberating too and when you get the taste of that freedom, there is no going back at least for me. I started being more open about myself and what I felt about a year back and this improved when I joined Steemit. Honestly, this has been so refreshing, liberating and rewarding. It is helping me know myself better and slowly align my life with my true genuine needs. Not only that, now I am more aware of people who genuinely love and care about me. Loved your post!!