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RE: Original Flash Fiction, THE TIME TELLER, Plus a writing challenge, with a prize!

in #writing8 years ago (edited)

COMMENTS/FEEDBACK WELCOME

Fraser looked at the device with interest. Was it some sort of a watch? An older time piece of some sort? It was in good condition. It looked like it had only recently been constructed. The leather handle felt new. And what about the dial and buttons? If it keeps time, then he had no idea how.

"I like the look of that one," he said to the man behind the counter. He was in a second hand dealers. He wasn't particularly wanting to buy a watch, or an item that vaguely resembled a watch. But he liked it. It had a certain rustic charm to it. "Does it work?"

"No, haven't been able to get that to do anything, to be honest with you. We only just got that in yesterday." He was keen to offload it, having no real idea of its selling points. To get interest after twenty four hours was a bonus.

"How much?" Fraser was hoping for a bargain.

"Give us twenty quid. We'll call it even."

Twenty pounds sounded reasonable to Fraser. He took the money out of his wallet, and proceeded to place the device around his wrist. Fraser tried turning the dial at the bottom edge of it, and waited. Nothing moved. The numbers all stayed the same. There were no hands, no ticking, just some numbers exposed on the face of it.

"I hope it's not broken," and having spoken those words he pressed the dial in, and realised it was also a button. He was just starting to wonder what that did, when he felt something. A strange sensation. A stirring in the atmosphere. He felt himself drifting, not physically, more at an internal level.

He watched in horror, as he heard himself speak the words, "I hope it's not broken." And press the button. And speak the words. And press the button.

It was some sort of a time device. It was broken. He was stuck. In a loop.

My page https://steemit.com/@naquoya

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I like it. The only thing I would say is some more descriptive terms about the shop keeper, his shop, why Fraser was there... hard to critique it much though, solid bones. Well done.

Thanks for your comment. I will take all that on board for sure. I did somewhat rush it, but none the less I see what you mean.

That's the nature of a 24 hour contest, I guess! I hope you'll enter again. It looks like Geke is edging you out, with the two of you being the only entrants.

Not to worry. Thank you for the opportunity, and for helping to generate a new idea. I may work this story into a longer piece, adding more details, etc. I do think @geke was a very deserving winner.

I have worked this "bare bones" concept into a longer story, and posted it here: https://steemit.com/story/@naquoya/original-fiction-where-did-the-time-go

Nice, I will definitely be around to check that out! Steem on!

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