RE: Ahe’ey - A Surprising Reception (An Original Novel - Part 2)
In general sounds good. I liked “were like the sea, shifting between blue and green.” Just a very pretty sounding. “…reflecting the environment around them” is a little off, it’s kind of anticlimactic after such a lofty prelude.
I also was bothered by the phrase “She felt overwhelmed by his beauty.” If, for example, Morgan was a lesbian and was getting all hot and bothered about another lady that phrase would have worked out ok. But this type of comment addressing a heterosexual male sounds off.
On the content…
Gabriel was obviously concerned about Morgan’s security. She must have been too tired to figure this out. From the novel narrative standpoint, I think you threw around too many clues of the same kind. One time would have been enough. I liked though how Morgan threw a tantrum before going into a hotel. A very good behavioral observation on your part.
I wonder, what your thought process was regarding Gabriel knowing that Morgan liked strawberries. Did he know because he already studied her habits as he reminds an intelligence agent? Or was it because he dealt with many women and this was what most of the women of this type liked or pretended to like.
Is this the picture of the hotel? Haven’t been there, but I’ve been in Waldorf Astoria. Looks similar – old and gaudy. And the view at the Central Park… I understand Yellowstone – that’s a beauty. Compared to it the Central Park is just a bunch of trees planted for bums.
I always enjoy your observations, even when I refuse to answer any questions to avoid spoilers ;) I would appreciate if you could share with me your gender and age group, but I understand if you are unwilling to share. I also would love further insights as to why you believe "beautiful" is not an adjective that applies to men. Thank you, J.
Nothing could be easier.
Heterosexual male. 59. Married. 3 Children. 2 Granddaughters so far.
Here is my intro.
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@mgaft1/neither-left-nor-write-breainer
Here you can see my son Gabriel, so you could have some idea of how I look
https://steemit.com/writing/@mgaft1/working-with-gabriel-on-filming-a-scene-from-henry-v
Thank you. The context helps me better understand your feedback. Here is some context in return. My favourite Henry V is Mr. Hiddleston in the Hollow Crown. I enjoy the way this play changes from generation to generation as the definition of manhood evolves. Same words, but a very different performance from Olivier or Branagh. p.s. I used the adjective "beautiful" quite deliberately.
I am not a native speaker as you are. However, I learned that when you refer to man’s physicality you should use the word “handsome.” When you calling a man beautiful you refer more to his internal qualities. For example, the presenter in this video is a beautiful man, but he is hardly handsome.
So unless you meant that in this scene, Morgan referred to Gabriel’s personality, the words that could provide a semantic validity was probably “attractive” or “handsome.” “She felt overwhelmed by his beauty. Looks are worth nothing, she thought…
Even though stylistically your phrase sounds very good.
As far as Mr. Hiddleston presentation is concerned, he is a talented actor and I am sure he delivered the lines to suit the particular director’s intentions. However, I cannot imagine that the real Henry V would be able to motivate his people for a battle with such a delivery. It has less to do with the image of masculinity, but more with the types of emotions that one has to ignite in the crowd in order to motivate it for a subsequent killing.
Thank you. I didn't feel that you refused to answer my questions. Actually, you’ve answered quite many of them, perhaps not realizing that you have done so. The thing is … I have no particular interest the questions related to your external life or your public relations such as where you live, what your real name is, how old you are, how much money you make, whether the picture presented in your intro is actually the picture of you, etc. Surely, you have the reason to control the exposure of this information, because you never know who could possibly read these exchanges.
My interest has to do with your astral life, the life of your consciousness. Here your writing itself offers plenty of possibilities to get to know you. Here is the example…
“Morgan could not read the man in front of her. One moment, he was smiling and seemed genuinely interested in speaking to her. In the next moment, he was sombre, and his mind was somewhere else.”
An average reader would be surprised in this evaluation for what is so difficult in reading Gabriel at this moment?
In this moment Gabriel has some security concerns regarding Morgan, as he is the one who supposed to provide this security. He has to hold in his mind the entire stay in New York and think of the entire complex of countermeasures to the possible attempts of her kidnapping or association.
Therefore the exchange pleasantries and the other small or even medium talk that he is engaged with Morgan occupies only the very superficial part of his mind. Even if he is attracted to Morgan as a woman, he at this point wouldn’t let himself act fully on that attraction, or rather would hold his emotions in control.
I am pretty sure that as a writer you mulled all these considerations in your mind. Why then Morgan could not figure this out? You either felt that this would be a normal female reaction or thought that the average representative of your potential audience would expect such a reaction from a woman in Morgan’s situation.
Thus, here is where an interesting question comes up… You present Morgan as a progressive feminist that is fighting for women’s rights in the workplace and in education, especially in the area of precise science. Yet, you show that under the effect of emotions she is unable to connect the dots in a very simple logical problem. So here the writer in you gets into a conflict with you as an ideologist and the writer wins. I can only applaud you for that, for as far as I am concerned I’d chose a good and honest writing over any ideology.
Cheers
Good storytelling is layered, complex and presents characters that have strengths, weaknesses and contradictions. People in real life are far from perfect; a good character is one that struggles with inner conflict, like the rest of us. Part 8 provides some further insights into Morgan's personality and her inner battles. https://steemit.com/writing/@jamielefay/ahe-ey-perfection-an-original-novel-part-8
p.s. here are my thoughts on ideology vs story: http://www.angeelseries.com/about-jamie.html
Thank you for your continued interest @mgaft1. J.