I am restless and hurt. Thinking and realizing. I am very happy about where my life is headed now but there are still moments when I feel like a bucket of cold water has been thrown in my face. Like yesterday. And it stung just a little because I realized that I had never been appreciated by someone in the way I should have been.

It has been a while. A long, long while since I made a post other than for the charity. And now, even though I want to share my travels with you, I also want to talk about US. What I suspect many go through once in a while. What is in my heart. What makes it beat faster and what are the causes for it bleeding.

I recently got out of a relationship. There might have been a date when it was officially over but it was long overdue. I did not want to hurt the other person's feelings. I did not know how to say it. Until we went to a wedding and I saw everything plain and simple. I did not want to be where I was. At all. I was not happy. And, yes, it was me. But it was also him. It had eaten at me for a long time. But I always pushed it down, deep inside of my stomach. Into a dark ball that only sometimes reared its ugly head out of its spot.

Do not get me wrong. I had a great time. I made memories, and I found myself in a way. For that I am thankful. But I also sacrificed me and let my dreams be pushed back. I was not met halfway. I had picked up my things and moved halfway across Europe for this one person but when I wanted to go back home, I was shut down bluntly. There wasn't even a chance. It was things like this that slowly built up and released a ravine in the end.

And yet, I wanted to be civil. This person still matters to me. More like a brother. I know, it sounds like a cliche. It might have been. I might have overestimated of what I was capable of going through. But I still cared. I do not desire, I can't, there is this void. But I still cared. I look at it and I wonder. How many of us are out there? I hate hurting people. But relationships end, you just have to be honest with each other when it happens. You have to have the balls to not lie to yourself. It was hard to find mine.

Yesterday something happened. I had a talk with him. I needed to be honest again. It went better than expected and I got everything off my chest. We chatted a bit and somehow the conversation turned to when we had been together. And there something hit me. Hard. I had given up everything by giving in on small decisions. Not compromising or coming to small agreements, but giving in. And he did not see it. He was oblivious to what I had gone through. I drew the line there.

Seems simple enough, right? It brings me to a point. It concerns all of us. Your dreams, if left forgotten or sacrificed for a relationship, will slowly devour your trust, respect, and bond with that person. I give too much. I was always a giver. I am going to stay a giver. I always wanted to take care of others. But I missed that I need to look after myself first. That I need balance. Jing and Jang, so to say.

Someone once told me that in a relationship one is always the lover and the other is the loved. I hate that and yet it is often true. But I have seen the few couples that have something magical. Something intangible. It is in the air, you just feel it. I am a perfectionist. And I will wait to meet that someone and then build us up together. It might not be today, or tomorrow or even in the next ten years but I am okay with that. I would rather never make the commitment than become trapped.

Put yourself first. Be happy on your own. And then give that love and compassion to someone else. It is so much better then! I am finally happy in life even though I am sad today. I have seen a lot of dark days in my short life. Truth is, I only became happy recently, when I finally felt like I could do what I had wanted to. I am not giving it up anymore.

I am happy now. I am me.

I can actually live. Some of you may know my end goal. I talked about it a long time ago, when I introduced myself. I want to build myself. I want to write books that leave an impact on people. That let magic come into lives that have become grim. And after I have done these things for myself, I want to take care of kids all over the world, I want them to never go through these dark days in their late teens and early adulthood. I want to give because I have so much love to share.

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The light

I have stopped talking to my past. At least for a while. It was hard but I needed to do it and I needed to put this out on paper. I am sure I am not alone. I think many of us are stuck and do not realize it. Maybe this makes you step back and think about you. I had that tiny voice at the back of my head for a while. It warned me constantly and I ignored it mostly. Do not be me. It might teach you but it will also steal your time and wound your heart.

So, I have been spending a lot of time on the computer. Working. But I have also gone out some days, to enjoy the time I have left here, in Gran Canaria. My aunt and her boyfriend recently fixed up a sailing yacht. It is big and nice. It is the boat you see on the top of the post. It is one of my recent escapes.

The boyfriend/captain of my aunt and a part of my crazy family.

The reason why I do not want to put this in a whole other post is that there is nothing much to show. But it is an activity that is worth it if your road ever leads to Gran Canaria. It is good for the soul and the spirit. It is amazing to feel the wind in your hair and the simplicity of the ocean. You get to feel small and connected. Like every atom in your body is part of something bigger.

This boat is almost finished and it is wonderful for staying a night on. My aunt is currently enjoying it with her boyfriend. I am sure it is better than sharing the apartment with me. After all, after almost two months, they might want to have some time for the two of them. I do not blame them. I have been a horrible guest. I like to eat.

But it is not just that. You have everything you need on the tiny ship. Water, electricity, kitchen. A fully functional bathroom. I am kind of envious that I do not have someone to share it with! I would love to cuddle up in that nice tiny bedroom of theirs and watch the starts through the front window while the waves lull me to sleep.

I know I look like a hamster, okay? I am just not great with selfies. But here is a family photo.

I haven't taken care of myself much lately. I have focused on the world and I think I am just coming out of the down period. And the comfy wonder is kicking in hard. I had such a nice time taking the beauty out for her first ride. There is still some work left to be done but it is going to be amazing when it is finished.

There are quite enough boats that you can find on Airbnb. To spend the night on or just go on a journey. My aunt is also looking to make something out of it. Her boyfriend and she put a lot of time and effort into making it great again. Into something that can potentially bring in some money and additional support for them.

As for me, I am so excited. I can not wait to see it! I will come back to visit sometime in the new year. Right now, however, I just can not wait for January. I am so excited and ecstatic for being on my own and doing what I want to do. I am going to start horse riding again. I want to add Taekwondo lessons to my week. And I am ready to travel and write my book. I am finally ready.

I am happy NOW

Have an amazing day. Today, tomorrow, and forever!
Linda