THE MOST RELATABLE BEER IN THE GALAXY - A Totally Fabricated Bio Written in the Style of Douglas Adams
There's this thing I do sometimes called a Totally Fabricated Bio.
It's where I write a short bio for a person that contains very little in the way of actual biographical information, but is fun and usually funny and often written in the style of the subject's favorite author.
I recently wrote a set of Totally Fabricated Bios for the management team at Red Pill Now, a tech solutions firm that is probably the coolest company ever because they are using my wacky bios on their website.
I thought I'd share the bios with my Steemit friends, too. Here's one about a programmer and amateur brewer named Devin Olson, who challenged me to write his bio in the style of the great sci-fi humorist, Douglas Adams. As always, my efforts are not guaranteed to perfectly match the style of the requested author, but I sure do try my best! And hopefully, the result is entertaining, regardless.
The Most Relatable Beer in the Galaxy
A Totally Fabricated Bio written for Devin Olson, in the style of Douglas Adams.
Devin S. Olson dislikes sports, has traveled to 49 states, and is allergic to bee stings. None of these details are important in the least. The only two facts worth knowing about Devin Olson are that he once saved the planet Earth from imminent destruction with only his wits and a jug of home-brewed beer, and that he is on the Flobbex 500 List of Richest Beings in the Galaxy.
It was that late autumn time of year when the chill air threatens of snows to come and some men take to the woods to feel the wind on their faces, to sit alone and contemplate the nature of life. That was precisely what Devin Olsen was doing on the day Team Shork insinuated themselves into Devin’s perfectly normal life, shattering once and for all any pretense at normality. He had just taken a sip of his coriander-spiced beer, Forbidden Fruit, lovingly home-brewed for occasions such as these, and was thinking what a nice flavor it had, far better than what was generally available at the Qwik-E-Mart. That made him wonder what kind of snacks the Qwik-E-Mart had, and whether he should hike back to the road and buy some, but before he had time to answer his own quandary, he was unceremoniously sucked up a passing tube of what appeared to be liquid metal, and into a flying object that appeared to be an alien spacecraft. Luckily, he had the foresight to hug his jug of Forbidden Fruit tight to his chest during the ascent, and its precious contents remained unspilt.
Aboard the ship Devin met a trio of strange looking, orange aliens who called themselves Team Shork. He was surprised to learn that they spoke his language until their leader, Volgrun, explained that Team Shork had purchased the “All Languages Upgrade” for just 29 blorbs. Devin figured this was just as good an explanation as any, and politely but firmly demanded that Volgrun tell him what the bloody hell he was doing on their bloody ship, and when he was going to be returned to his camp chair.
Volgrun kindly explained that Team Shork required Devin’s assistance in a game. Can You Relate? was the most popular reality interface game in existence, and Team Shork was poised to obtain Level 42, which would make them the top relating masters in the galaxy. All they had to do was relate to an Earthling, and Devin seemed a likely candidate.
Devin would really rather be back in his camp chair, drinking his beer and feeling the cool autumn wind as it blew across his face, but the request seemed straightforward enough, and there was no telling what might happen if he refused. So he reluctantly agreed to participate.
Team Shork launched into a commotion of activity, and when they were done, Devin found himself sitting in a large, uncomfortable object which might have been a chair, with tiny, uncomfortable objects which might have been alien jewelry attached to various points on his body. Volgrun explained that they had just hooked him up to the Relater 5000, which would determine with 100% accuracy whether or not Devin was relatable. On their own planet, no one related in the old fashioned way anymore. Whenever a need for relationship arose, they would hook themselves up to the Relater and allow the machine to do the hard work. As an aside, he added that if Devin was found to be unrelatable, Team Shork would fall twenty levels and oh, also, Earth would be deleted permanently from the game.
Deleted? Devin requested clarification on this point. According to Volgrun, the entire Milky Way galaxy was the in-game world of Can You Relate? All planets, including Earth, had been randomly populated into it. If ten teams tried and failed to relate to a world’s sentient species, the world would be deleted within an hour, eventually to be replaced. Team Shork was the tenth team to attempt relating to humans. A wave of anguish crashed over Devin as he grappled with the realization that he was about to undergo an attempt at relationship-by-machine which, if unsuccessful, would mean the destruction of all he had ever known down to the last speck of Terran dust. He expressed his dismay in a long string of epithets that were apparently not included in the All Languages Upgrade.
Momentarily, a high pitched sound filled the spacecraft compartment, alerting them that the Relater 5000 had finished its task. Volgrun read a message that scrolled in strange symbols across a wall display, and announced that humans were completely unrelatable.
Team Shork was devastated. It had taken them 546 zorts to achieve 41st level relating masters, and now they would be dropped to 21st level. It was all so unfair. They never should have come to Earth. Devin suggested that perhaps his plight was the more pressing one, but Team Shork couldn’t relate. Devin was taken with two sudden, simultaneous urges. He wanted to be with his family. And he wanted to punch Team Shork in their orange faces. Instead, he lifted his jug of Forbidden Fruit to his lips and took a deep swig, and then, in a moment of unfounded generosity, he passed the jug around. Volgrun took a hesitant sip. It was lucky they had the Gastrointestinal Invincibility Upgrade, he said, making all in-game comestibles safe. The other team members tasted the beer and then they all wanted to taste it again. Volgrun opined that it was the nicest libation that had ever made contact with his taste blippers. The others agreed, and asked where in the galaxy they might obtain some for themselves.
Upon learning that Devin had produced the beer himself, and that there was only one jug of Forbidden Fruit in the entire galaxy, and that the recipe and all of the native ingredients required to make it were about to be lost in the deletion of Earth, Team Shork lamented. What a terrible loss to all races in the cosmos! They would not even know what they missed. It was a damnable shame, and they were filled with remorse that it had to happen as the result of their own actions.
A high pitched sound filled the spacecraft compartment, and a new message scrolled in odd, alien symbols across the wall display. Volgrun scurried over to read it, and then gleefully announced that they had succeeded, without even trying to, in relating without the aid of the Relater 5000. Who knew the rudimentary relating process still worked in the current zort? Team Shork would attain 42nd Level Relating Masters, Earth would be spared, and most importantly, Devin would live to brew another batch of Forbidden Fruit. After joyful farewells, Team Shork dropped Devin through the tube and back into his camp chair, where he resumed his contemplation of the nature of life, his understanding of the same having changed dramatically over the past hour. He returned home to his family that evening with a profound sense of appreciation and a new zest for living.
Six months later, Devin was contacted by a representative from Can You Relate?’s In-Game Comestibles Department. They wanted to pay him fifty billion blorbs to travel to headquarters and train a team to brew Forbidden Fruit. And that is how Devin S. Olson made the Flobbex 500 List of Richest Beings in the Galaxy. He hasn’t figured out a way to use all those blorbs yet, but he has all the time in the world.
All images in this post were snagged from Pixabay.com and used under a creative commons license.
Thank God, an author I actually recognize. Was staring to feel like a dummy :P
Well done.
What? No Vogon poetry in this one?
Do your subjects get to choose which style you'll use?
Since Vogon poetry is essentially unlistenable, I decided to skip it.
Yes, the subjects get to choose the style. Most choose a favorite fiction author, but I've had others choose a broad style of storytelling, such as "the American tall tale". And others who do not have a favorite fiction author for whatever reason, so I just make shit up based on their interests.
That's some serious made-to-order prose you're delivering, then!
Here, take my four blorbs!
Excellent! Now I can buy the Gastrointestinal Invincibility Upgrade!
I think it will be a good competition, I appreciate you for sharing.