The Weather Report #4

The Weather Report - Week Ending 06.10.17

Baghdad was chilly this week - those two clouds really gave them hell. they should put in a disaster fund request (see below). luckily Baghdad faces no other problems currently and can focus solely on the weather. anyway, next week is going to be Sunny - not a cloud in the sky - and as the kuffars commence the long slow death march towards the birth of Īsā ibn Maryam (we call him Jesus), Baghdad will be 32-36C (90-97F) for as far as you can see sand. there will be enough humidity to ensure your eyeballs don’t stick to your skull and just enough wind to keep them gritted. honestly, how is Baghdad not prime development land? all they need is somewhere to gamble and an NFL franchise…

COMING SOON - “Baghdad Raiders”. you heard it here first.

Meanwhile…

ASIA - INDONESIA:
A palm oil plantation, Batang Gansal district, Sumatra - Robert Nababan, 37, security guard, sees a 7.8 METRE LONG GIANT PYTHON, and thinks “yeah, i’ll fuck with that”. he proceeded to attack the snake, plummeting immediately WAY down the food-chain and would certainly have been python food unless several villagers had joined the fight. THEY eventually killed the beast, while Nababan, seriously injured and with a partially severed left arm - as if this should come as a surprise - was rushed to hospital where doctors "might have to cut it off" according to district spokesman, Elinaryon. the security professional did not give an exact reason for why he tried to catch a 26ft python by himself, but varying reports say he was either: trying to keep scared villagers safe (true); really, really, likes snake sandwiches (not true); that his OCD got really bad and he just HAD to clear the road that the snake was lying across (mostly true). the python was subsequently hung, drained, chopped into chunks, sauted, and eaten by the villagers. apparently it tasted like chicken. Mr Nababan was said to be disappointed by this news. ending the ordeal, Elinaryon, publicly reaffirmed: “You really shouldn't try to do that... of course the snake, if you try and kill it, is going to get really angry”; but then confused everything by adding that he wasn’t surprised, because: “they are really tasty… it's a 7m snake - that's a lot of meat!”

11 Best things to do with Python (aka the chicken of South East Asia)

EUROPE - UK: The conservative party are so busy sharpening their knives that all other news is suspended until Theresa May is stabbed 300 times by her biggest fans, the cabinet ministers SHE selected. she couldn’t stop coughing at her party’s conference this week, with many hoping Kim & Co had sent a couple of tiny women with a towel soaked in VX nerve agent to “prank” her too. you know like they did to Kim Jong-Nam. but it was just a coughing fit. don't worry though - a week is a long time in politics.

**the Tory Party: 100% behind their leader. now with added knives.

CENTRAL AMERICA - PUERTO RICO:
reeling from the pretty horrific “because Gun Maniac” in Las Vegas and not wanting to discuss gun laws, again, it’s back to “because Hurricane”. obviously the Puerto Rico hurricanes weren’t the same as the ones that hit the US, and as if to reinforce this point, The Donald threw paper towels at people, called it a great day, and mocked the scale of loss in Puerto Rico, saying (comparing it to the 1,833 people killed in New Orleans by hurricane Katrina): "Seventeen? Sixteen people certified, 16 people versus in the thousands”. it was actually 35 people that died. he was however very complimentary of his federal plan, joking with the few wealthy Puerto Ricans the White House could find that: “you've thrown our budget a little out of whack... but that's fine". it was at this point he started pelting the victims with rolls of paper towels. 90% of the 3.5 million people living on the island remain without power or phone communications, but it’s ok, because they have kitchen rolls now and MacGuyer is being re-booted.

the Donald - better than MacGuyver

ASIA - INDIA:
Utturkand Pradesh (UP), largest state in india with over 222 MILLION people and 80 politicians in government, has been ramping up its fight against crime and it’s all getting a bit silly. or as they would say “confident”. over the last 6 months (since march 2017), officially: the police have conducted ”443 police encounters" with, “undesirables”. Their "achievements” at these “encounters” leading to a significant "improvement in the law and order situation”. don’t take our word for it, use those ones, those are their words.
un-officially: the police have “murdered 443 people” and have “achieved” a marginal drop in the murder-rate (not including all their ones). they have also “achieved”: a sharp rise in crimes against women and the Dalits (we call them “untouchables” still, because we are so PC); rioting is really taking off and robbery has substantially increased. not to be left behind, major crimes are also quickly on the rise now and perhaps unsurprisingly rape is still big in UP. according to the notoriously honest state crime record there were exactly 3000 rapes between January and August 2017. there were 2,376 during the same period in 2016. you shouldn’t call police murders “encounters”. sounds really rapey and murdery. we call them “extra-judicial killings”. which sounds more like a judge’s bonus round (and therefore much better).

Indian Police - prefer to “discuss” things

AFRICA - ETHIOPIA:
severe successive droughts, blamed on the Indian Ocean Dipole (IOD) - basically fluctuations in ocean temperatures - have left 8.5 million people urgently requiring humanitarian assistance. it has been going on for years, and the whole region (kenya/somalia/ethiopia) is officially a famine “natural disaster” zone now. the IMF however have chosen instead to praise Ethiopia’s “economic strides [in 2016/2017]” when their delegation visited Addis Ababa (13-26.09.17), and Ethiopia have now been approved a $1.3 billion injection. $700million as a loan to “improve equitable access to basic services and strengthen accountability” (if you don’t know what that means, don’t worry, it means absolutely nothing) in education, health, agriculture and “other” sectors (means: anything we like, including Mercedes and Rolex watches). they also received a $600 million grant to finance the “Rural Productive Safety Net” scheme. which is a fancy way of saying: hand out tiny amounts of food (they say cash too, but that isn’t going to happen) to 8 million people in exchange for them working, without contracts on building/infrastructure projects and with minimal working rights, support or minimum wage. they know it as “slavery”. we call it “indentured servitude”. slavery just sounds a bit… intense.

the “Rural Productive Safety Net” scheme

NORTH AMERICA - CANADA:
named after disney dog duo Labrador & Newfoundland, the first openly gay disney A-listers and discoverers of the province of the same name, 25% of the parking meters have been stolen! but it doesn't stop there - the Canadian city of St John added 290 have been “beheaded"! by vandals! it's absolutely outrageous. the somewhat ironically named “smart meters” were installed three years ago but thieves have found a way of ripping the top off the devices. presumably to get to the money inside? so you'd think. but the average meter collects less than $10 per day, with only a small proportion (15-20%) in cash, and it's a one-time opportunity for the high-flying thieves.
so it’s officially a mystery that officials say officially is costing the local government around $1,800CAD ($1,440/£1,095/€1,200) a day in lost revenue, along with the cost of $474 per damaged unit. the UND (United Nation of Dogs) has sent Scooby Doo to investigate.

Mayor Labrador & District Attorney Newfoundland - reached out to Scooby Doo.

have a sunny week,

HA
@humanauction