A Tutor's Tale Part 2: Defining Beauty

After taking a day break from my tutor's tale, I'm back with Part 2, Defining Beauty. You may read Part 1: Acceptance and Rejection if you are interested. Some background information on how I am stirred to talk with youths since years ago: I used to visit schools to talk with the youths on some topics which they feel like asking and yet don't know where to ask. That was before I became a mom myself. Maybe I was thinking to be a listener to them or be a place where they can find answers safely, though I know it would be too noble to say I am available all the time or I know-it-all, because I am not. These are posts inspired from some conversations (with names changed to protect their privacy) I had with my students with some questions they confided in me, so they are also just some of my unpolished thoughts.

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Anyway, here's how I was asked this question 2 years ago and she asked it again 4 days ago in a class:

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My 13-year-old student, Ling was asking me, "Teacher, why only slim people are said to be beautiful? My aunt saw my friend, Pam (happened to be another student I tutor too) last time and said I should be diligent to hit the gym if I want to be pretty like her. She said she can see Pam surely has a lot of admirers in school." As usual, I would ask her back, "What do you think true beauty is?" She looked down and said, "I don't know, but I don't think it looks anything like me."

Sometimes, conversations like this would take a span of time to talk about. There would be days I hear her rant, ranting about how she did not like to hit the gym but she was signed up for gym classes with some personal trainers to accompany her aunt. Not that she hates it, but it was just not done out of willingness, or rather she could not see the point why. A year after my first conversation about this topic with her, Ling told me by herself she decided to exercise for herself and not out of self-pity or comparison anymore. That, I encouraged by saying I too would be watching my weight and eat healthily with her, as a form of encouragement but subtracting the exercising part which she is sometimes more diligent than me, oopsie!

Did Ling lose weight? Maybe a little. Is she happier with herself? I think she is. At least I feel she does not do things under her inferiority complex or talk about other girls with jealousy or 'covetousness'(wishing badly she is like them) but she decides on any change or new add-ons in her life powerfully.

What is BEAUTY?

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The topic of beauty is one of my deepest struggles since young, which sometimes it makes me very want to write about it and yet sometimes the old "fear" may arise to grip hold of me again. It is because I have learnt to be beautiful and am still learning to be or realize the beauty within me. Honestly, it is a difficult topic to write about and I was held back many times at certain paragraphs, staring at the screen without any words coming out.

There are so many definitions of beauty, in different forms as well, be it a human, an art piece, a scenery, and even words. I personally think although beauty sounds like a "feminine-ish" word, it is not constrained to just females, because there can be the depiction of beauty in males as well, like their masculine beauty or the beauty of their hearts as well as words. They also possess the beauty of the appearance as well for beauty is the pleasant feeling one gives to another, not just how one looks.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Confucius
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One of the feeling of beautiful is being comfortable in your skin. Everyone of us are made differently with so much variety and factors involved. Not everyone would like what they see in the mirror each day but to be comfortable with what we see would also mean a true acceptance for our self. The media may tell us than being thin is beautiful, with certain curves or even lesser (in dressing up) is beautiful. Maybe we have mistaken being fashionable as being beautiful too. Besides the outer appearances, there is an inner beauty we can build on - tending the garden of our hearts. Being beautiful can look like this in the subtlest forms: being courageous in a difficult situation to make the right choice, being encouraging, being hopeful, being understanding, being persevering, being confident, being happy with herself, being vulnerable, being humble, being sensitive, being real, being powerful, being free and the list can go on and on.

Of course, the beauty in outward appearance is not to be undermined too. Some people are born with nicer outer appearance with the correct proportion of each part of the body. I cannot deny that the eyes would search for beautiful things or people, it is just how we are made to appreciate first impressions. Does that mean I care so much of my inner beauty that I forsake the outer beauty? No. I do believe in dressing up and liking what we wear too. It is a self love and self respect too. As we dress appropriately for occasions, it sends a strong confidence to ourselves and also those around us. For instance, we won't be wearing our home clothes to a wedding because we know it doesn't fit the occasion. Make ups are not evil and they do contribute to the outer beauty. It is more like when all these have faded, can we still feel beautiful and know our beauty?

We can be beautiful both thin and fat. It is not true that only slim women are beautiful, that is not the definition of beauty for a slim woman also can feel not beautiful too. Our body changes from time to time, so if we fix the definition of beauty on how our body look, it will be very wobbly and flimsy.

Having outer beauty but without inner beauty is like having an outer shell but hollow inside. It can be easily broken. Worse still if what's inside is not inviting at all, then it is like rotten egg once broken. Inner beauty will sustain one a long way, far more than the outer beauty. If we were to choose to only have one, I guess inner beauty will be more appealing in the long run because it holds our character. For those who are born with pretty faces, why not work on having both?

Who defines your beauty?

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On some crazy messy days when I look like I'm in a total mess (which is how my regular days look like, Hahaha), with messy hair, messy floor and me running to and fro when our boy is shouting for me, with no makeup but a pale tired face, hair not even tied properly suddenly, the husband would say I look beautiful. Seriously, I doubt him for that EVERY SINGLE time! That's me at my worst look, dirty and strained. I would look at him twice, as if he just had a bad judgment, haha. However, that is when I realize when I don't feel beautiful, maybe my beholder still does and he says it at the craziest times.

We all know the famous saying:

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Beauty is defined by the one who beholds you. It can be God, our loved ones, and even ourselves. Do you think you are beautiful? This is an IMPORTANT question! I am very inspired by one of our fellow Steemian @insideoutlet with her real life story of living with a ostomy bag due to a condition called ulcerative colitis. Do check her post out! She is an amazing writer and the confident energy she brings to the table is just contagious. She makes me feel she knows she is beautiful!

So very often, I will look at myself and behold my face and every part of me too. Frankly, I do not feel beautiful all the time but I want to accept myself, especially the post-partum body, with the stretch marks. I then think of my beholders whom one of them is myself. I learn to know myself better, accept myself and love myself more. I would know how to allow some good teachings to influence my thoughts and not allow everything in without a filter. I do not let certain definitions of beauty from the media or my peers to have the final say. I listen to my heart and to what God says. I used to write down in a book the meaningful compliments I received from God and some who matter to me. Sometimes, I post them in my Instagram account as a reminder too.

Can beauty be learnt?

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YES, IT CAN!

I have known beautiful girls with many guys falling over heels for. Some really do posses a beautiful heart while some not, which will be tested in real situations. Throughout my life, some of my bestest friends are those popular in school, popular in church kind of girls. I have been their "side-kick" most of the time, Hehe. I was even approached by guys who ask me to help in pursuing them. It did something to my self esteem at a point of time until I decided to learn the definition of beauty for myself. I would wish I was that beautiful or talented or even have greater taste in fashion.

On the other hand, I too have learn that not all pretty girls would possess a good heart or intact integrity too. I have met one or two who are gentle and nice to all guys, receiving gifts and smiling the widest smile they can give. Behind them, they would be gossiping and talk really unkind things. Also, because of some entitlement they feel they are in, they don't take much care of their integrity and would still flirt with married men. This is also happening in my student's life when she starts to see among her friends, some have this tendencies of "snatching" the boyfriends of others. So we conclude that that is not the kind of 'beauty' we want to have.

Beauty has so many forms, and I think the most beautiful thing is confidence and loving yourself. ~Kiesza
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Working on myself to learn about beauty, I have to speak to myself that I am deeply loved, highly-favoured, greatly blessed, powerful and free! I would look and admire my own beauty too. I tell myself I can pick up skills on looking better for my own sake, to boost my confidence. I can learn to make up for necessary times but be comfortable without it too. I can put on my geeky specs, with my super faint eyebrows and still feel beautiful. I learn about what is within me, some strengths that I have which I can appreciate too. I learn about working on my weaknesses to be better too for self development. I pick up new skills and I challenge myself more to see my hidden and uncovered potentials. I realize I have grown to love to spend more and more time with myself because I'm constantly in awe of who I truly am too!

Remember what you have decided on to define beauty!

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. ~Psalm 31:30 (The Message)

This verse is a verse that speaks deeply into me when I am pondering on beauty, every now and then to realign my perspective. If I don't revere God and believe who He thinks I am, I would be sucked into the comparison game again, maybe because I try to excel in every area I am in.

My definition of beauty can sometimes shake too, when I am hit to rock bottom or just having a bad day. However God's definitions of my beauty is unwavering. He sees me strong, capable, joyful, witty, sensitive and beautiful! There was even once when I would look in the mirror and tell myself: God thinks you are beautiful, and He delights in you. He always laughs and welcomes you with so much joy whenever He sees you. So, you can think you are beautiful when you see what He sees.

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Do not let comparison eat you up. It steals the joy of your beauty and uniqueness. It tries to con you into thinking you have to be like someone else. This is tough, I know. But as we grow, we can detect when comparisons kick in, so we can be honest with ourselves feelings and realign the soonest!

Be secure of who you are and let your actions speak that out as well. You need not beg for others' attention or try to be who you are not just to blend in. If this group of friends are not for you, perhaps move on to another. There will be true friends who would love you. It is when we are most comfortable and need not put up a front to please others, our beauty can leak out! If all things fail, know that God's love for you never fails and He accepts you as the apple of His eye, even if you think you are queer, rare or weird. Beauty does not mean being likable. Beauty means being appreciated as you are, by yourself, by God. He likes us usually more than we do, which is why He chose to create you since you were in your mother's womb and said: This is My child, in whom I am well pleased. He adores your beauty and would go the extra miles to pursue you to let your beauty shine!

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Back to the tale of my student.

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After the questions from Ling, we did talk about her definition of beauty and I would add on with some points above, especially in accepting herself and learning to think that she is beautiful. For what's worth, I made her write an essay on it, just so she can read back on it whenever she needs a reminder. I remember vividly one line she wrote:

Being beautiful means I can think I am beautiful. I can learn to be beautiful in my own definitions.

To be honest, though Ling is a little plump, she is actually cute-looking. Her family sometimes would call her fat, thinking to motivate her to exercise but I don't think it is working. They were thinking if they make her feel not so beautiful, she would buck up. If beauty is judged by popularity or having a boyfriend, then she may not have it but she is decent looking and her greatest beauty which I have discovered of her is her vulnerability. She will grow up into a fine young lady.

Today, I was having another class with a "prettier" and "more talented" student, who is actually Pam, the one Ling was compared to. I realize for Pam, she has never asked me questions about beauty. She is a slim girl who seems more fashionable and is talented in playing the cello, piano and guitar. She has great confidence in performing, including singing and dancing too. When I told her the title for her writing today is: What is beauty? She frowned, but without saying a word, she went on to read the articles that I have prepared for her too. Looks like it is a topic she has never think much about yet. What Ling has as her inner beauty, I can't see that trace on Pam at all. Though Pam is rather popular in school, she is rather defensive and can't seem to have good friends to fit in her new school. We shall see how her writing turns out as it is a homework for her to complete. I look forward to reading it.

I can safely conclude the definition of beauty will be very different for the both teenage girls, which can be influenced by their different upbringing and the cultures they are exposed to. Same case goes to all of us too, but we get to decide which definitions are healthy for us to stick with, and which are not.

Oh in relevance to this, I want to also highlight a beautiful poem written by the teenage daughter of a new friend I got to know through Steemit, @faitherz33 and @derangedvisions:

The wind softly blew
As I watched the sunlight slowly start to shine through.
The rain stained window, the shiny glass
Outside the wind whistled through the trees and the grass.
I got up and looked out to the clear sky
Then walked up to the mirror, and met myself eye to eye.
No matter what they say, or what they do, I'll still be me, and I'll still be true.
That beautiful girl staring back at me, feeling happy, hopeful, beautiful and free. Because that amazing, awesome girl, is me.

The wisdom that Addie has is simply astounding, despite her suffering from bully cases from other girls in school. I just have to highlight her beauty in this post!

Thank you for taking your time to read about my thoughts, which can be quite "raw" at times. Before I finish up with this post, I would like to set some reminders to tell myself and also you: You are beautiful in your own way, so beautiful that there is only one you, even if you are a part of twins!

Finally, here's a shout-out to the most beautiful and godly woman whom I know - @iamjadeline! Many of my beliefs on beauty are shaped and inspired by her strong beauty. Not forgetting many of the "be-you-tiful" people I have met and am learning from through Steemit too!

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