A.N.Y. Questions... It's not me, it's YOU! (Question #2)
A NEW YEAR (A.N.Y.), a new way question series:
At the beginning of the year I posted our first article in this series explaining a new way to approach New Year's resolutions. Each day we will explore a different question that challenges us to understand ourselves better. The format will be as follows: I will post the previous day's question with my answer followed by the next day's question for contemplation.
Question #2: Do you find fault with other people easily?
My Answer: As much as I would like to say that I have overcome the need to find fault in others, I still struggle with this one. My first thought when I had an emotional response to something someone said or did was to make it all about them. It was their fault for they made me feel these bad or hurt feelings therefore I was the victim in the scenario. I was justified in my retaliation and that justification was the basis for my brutal rebuttals or cutting that person out of my life. It wasn’t until the same personalities and situations kept resurfacing in my life that I entertained the idea of common denominator being me. I was introduced to a new perspective called the mirroring theory and it changed my life. I’ve included this article on the subject because this one explains it in the easiest terms. The article defines the mirroring theory as: “When we observe character defects in other people and criticize them, it is really the undeveloped parts of our personality that are showing up. We are only so irritated by these blemishes because the very same issues are unresolved within ourselves”. That concept completely rocked my world and had me take a step back when I was annoyed with someone's actions. How can I attack the person for exhibiting the behavior when, in fact, they were only showing me myself? The sobering realization of it being my problem that annoyed me resonated so strongly that it changed my approach.
My new approach to annoying people or situations was to take a thorough examination of exactly what bothered me and how I could share this issue. It was not an easy task at first for I didn’t want to be accountable for any of my negative emotional responses. It has taken some time but it has become easier to not get drawn up in the feelings of a situation. I have been developing the habit of calming myself down by reminding myself that it wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t my issue in the first place. This has significantly contributed to an increased level of harmony in my marriage for I am not so quick to start a fight with my hubby when he annoys me. Before I bring up an incident with him, I try to correlate his actions to something unresolved within myself. Believe me; I still try at times to make the situation about him for it’s not always easy to see the similarities. The answer is not as cut and dried as I would like but often I do find my shortcomings. When I see my shortcoming, I decide to work on it and something amazing happens: the behavior that irritated me either disappears or there is no longer an emotional response. Either way I win and I encourage you to entertain this new way of looking at the annoying situations in your life for it has worked wonders for me. I now try to embrace the annoying moments as a time for personal development and exploration.
Did this response resonate with you? I would love to hear your take on the question and how it impacted you. Please post your thoughts below.
Tomorrow's question:
Do you often make mistakes in your work? Response posted tomorrow.
Who is the Common Guru? Here is our introductory article
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Do I find fault in others easily .... well let me tell you how everything is my boyfriends fault. Like he is the biggest walking mistake...... or so I used to think.
But let's back track a little, when I became a young adult I began observing my very poor relationships with my family, and the one at that time that stood out the most for me was my mother. Everything that went wrong in her world was everyone else fault or problem but her own, and this bothered me on a very deep level. I also didn't realize then the philosophy of mirroring, and how it could be that I was so affected by her actions and behaviour because it was too A behaviour I had within myslef. That took me a few more years.
Now let's fast forward, many years have passed by and I thought for sure I had this philosophy down pat .... BAHAHAHA um nope. Not a day passes that I try to place blame or fault on someone other than myslef. Being 100% accountable and responsible for myself, behaviour and choices has been a rather large pill to swallow. But like everything else in life, I am taking it one day, one moment at a time. I have also been blessed with a son, who may be only a baby at the moment, but I know will being forth parts of myself in due time that call for some healing or restructuring. I am truly grateful for him in my life already.
But for the amount of times I have been able to breath and step back for my hair trigger, fault finding moments, to my surprise a feeling of calm swept in. Followed by internal laughter, lol this is me ...ALL me. And so the journey to deeper awareness and healing begin.