RE: Covenant With Earth
Actually, your comment was brave - and it helped me realise that in the ways you described, we are similar.
The one thing I am, which I do not usually mention, is quick to anger, but also quick to regret it and apologise...if I was even a little wrong in my own eyes.
The major difference between us, is that you found someone to love you...for a long time.
It is a strange fact that if you read the story of my life, you would say 'this guy is weird and surely even half of it cannot be true' and I've had some say I have lived an interesting life. I have, for I never went along with the attitude that I must be the same as everyone else...and I think I can create some stories that are weird or interesting, and yet, basically, I am a very boring person....which is why women tend to want me as a friend, not as a lover (or at least, not for long). It is why all my characters hate being told they are 'nice'.
I think honesty is so important to being authentic but I struggle with it. One of my friends was totally honest - he was an admirer of Albert Camus and identified with Mersault in The Outsider (L'Etranger). I made stabs at following his rigid code but could never quite do it - if ever. I like things to run smoothly - even if insulted, I try to smooth it over until unfortunately I arrive at the end of my patience and then, watch out! I think I arrived at the end of my patience so many times in my life that my family probably thinks of me like a bully-tough guy - yeah, I kind of identify with Robert DeNiro, lol. But when my better angels are in control I'm embarrassingly sensitive and vulnerable and since I have no control at that point, I feel socially awkward. Sometimes it's easier to punch out someone than to empathize - makes me wonder how I write anything at all, to be honest, but somewhere inside a real person's hiding ...I suppose.
BTW, I forgot to respond to your other part about relationships. I hear you re women, and my pet peeve is hearing someone refer to me as 'a good man'. I don't know why but it seems so patronizing and dismissive but I'm sure that's just me. As for long relationships, I think it's simple - don't leave. Yeah...simple, basic and probably trite, but that's all I've got, Arthur on that :)