Re-integrating into civilian life after second deployment
My first week back I raced a cop and ran 2 stop signs and a stoplight.
Accidentally.
I was pulling out of my street, saw the police car on the other side of the intersection, and something in my brain snapped on and took over.
I spun the tires on my little Toyota Corolla, cut the cop off, and proceeded to proceed to break three more laws with the cop right behind me.
Obviously they turned their lights on and pulled me over.
The cop was a young woman not much older than me: I'm not saying that things would have gone differently if she had been a male officer but something tells me it would have.
She said something to the effect of "what the hell were you doing did you not see me there right behind you?"
My answer was "Yes, ma'am I did see you there and that's why I did it."
The look on her face made it clear that she was going to need more information.
"I just got back from Iraq and this is my third day driving a car again.
In Iraq I drove convoy security and since cops over there are dirty and corrupt or might not be cops at all, just a stolen police car, we have to treat local police as hostile.
That means, we have to cut them off and keep them away from the convoy using whatever measures necessary in the event that they are actually a suicide bomber.
I'm sorry, something just kicked in I don't know why."
Luckily I had my military ID on me and my leave papers showing that yes, in fact, I had just arrived stateside.
"You understand that you just ran two stop signs and a stoplight?"
"Yes ma'am I'm sorry it won't happen again."
"I'm going to let you off with a warning and you had better wake up and get used to driving on American roads."
"Yes ma'am, I will, thank you."
Needing to wake up was the understatement of the century at that point.
I was having hallucinations, random blackouts, and dreams that would continue after I was awake.
I was exhausted, paranoid, and losing my grip on reality.
The first thing I did was sell my car and use the money to build 2 nice bicycles, a road racing bike and a mountain bike commuter.
I started riding my bike to work instead of driving.
I also took long bike rides in my free time, and got into the best shape of my life, doing 100 mile rides through the mountainous terrain of Northern California.
Things were almost feeling better until one day as I was commuting to work my tires shot out from under me in loose leaves and threw me headlong into traffic.
A car came within inches of sending me into the next life.
Maybe a week or two later, riding my other bike, a driver of a panel van looked right at me coming down a hill and either didn't see me or didn't care and pulled out.
I wrecked the bike against the side of his van, and might have caved in the side of it a little with my body.
He got out and yelled at me (I had been going the speed limit with a reflective vest in a bicycle lane).
This painting was made around that time.
For me the painting stands for what I was experiencing at that time: a life rapidly spinning out of control, that seemed intent on throwing me straight into the afterlife.
The bloody hand print on the wall was a memory from Iraq so you can see how at this stage my memories of war were already starting to creep into my artwork.
The bicycle actually became a symbol for me: a symbol of running from something that I couldn't quite identify, of a life that I was moving fast through but couldn't find my place in, and of a once familiar world that suddenly felt foreign.
I did a whole series of work after this featuring that "lost bicycle" which I will share soon.
Looking back for files of my "bicycle series" I came across the above image.
It's a random sketch from that time that pretty much shows the kind of agony that I was feeling inside.
If I were to connect it to another piece, I'd have to say that it is the demon from "Demon's of the mind's eye"
https://steemit.com/war/@corpsvalues/demons-of-the-mind-s-eye
rearing it's head inside of me and fighting for control.
Let me try to explain how it feels when I look at these demonic images.
Every part of me rebels against the idea that what I am looking at actually came out of my own head.
I have ZERO recollection of the creative process.
That means, every other piece that I created from the same time period, say the "bicycle series" I remember the creative process: I remember plotting out the piece, sketching, filling in, erasing, detailing.
I don't remember anything about the creation of the demonic pieces.
I can look at them and recognize once again, that recurring bloody hand print from the painting top center is also the demon's right hand, and that like "demons of the mind's eye" it is a strange hybrid of human and demon, in a struggle.
Fugue state? Maybe.
But that's how the first 5-6 years after separating from the military felt, at all times: ugly memories that chased me through my dreams, my waking thoughts, and my artwork.
And my life was spent running from those memories and fighting them with every weapon that I could find.
![Untitled_Artwork (3).jpg](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeRkdMyBUcJpXq775HySWcwBKfEj6mWzJf9ZMgaypUmrt/Untitled_Artwork%20(3).jpg)
I always love your posts because they are deep and insightful with such real life thrown into the mix. Your honesty and candor are what's missing in this world so don't ever change. Thanks for sharing so much of your life and your journey up to this point.
Ivy
Thanks @socent I love the same thing about your posts so ditto!
Great post! ❤️
Just read this finally. So, this was something a Facebook friend actually explained to me a while ago. I wished I had it in front of me, it was the first time I’d ever considered how the instinctive reactions that were the difference between life and death during deployment is hard to switch off on return to civilian life. Especially for those that need to be redeployed. I appreciate this example too.
What I absolutely love reading from this post was that you immediately switched to cycling. Not only was it pragmatic, but it’s a great option for convenience, fitness, and general happiness. I believe we’re just happier when on a bike. Love bikes, my favorite non-living thing is my bike. I just discovered that my workplace has all the facilities that will allow me to cycle in. It’s going to be over 40km one way, so I’m going to give it a go when Spring arrives. With that all said, I’m glad you’re still in one piece despite your near misses. But totally yes, share some bike art.
And yeah, that scares me the most, bouncing off bike onto oncoming traffic. I’m not a fan on riding on roads at all. The thing that goes through my mind is, shit, shit, shit, I hope I don’t die... And it’s not cars that I worry about, it’s me. I am easily distracted.
You mentioned the afterlife again, does that mean you kinda believe it? And all this demonic art...I suppose you’d best just embrace it rather than rebel. We all have our dark side shaped by our experiences, it’s another part of you expressing itself. It need not feel like it has to end with an exorcism, and maybe you can just look at the art and think, “Oh wow, demonic me is talented and my dark side needs an outlet too...”
I don’t mean to make light of your thoughts, but I think you should just appreciate yourself for all your ‘layers of complexity’, it’s very interesting.
As for waking thoughts, dreams and etc. I can definitely agree with you there. I don’t have whatever it is you have, but I do get these voices, hallucinations, horrible physical sensations, and being frozen in terror. It happens between that sleep and waking point. There’s a name for it. Had it my whole life, and it was my husband who finally noticed the pattern. It happens because I am mentally exhausted. I have never in my life slept easily. My brain spins and spins until I burn out in exhaustion. Then my brain obviously does stuff. Maybe it’s like that with you? You’re so haunted by these memories, you’re unable to rest and reset.
So what weapon can you use? You don’t sound like you’re unfit, so you could consider training for a marathon and then ultrathon!! I’m only saying this because there is something that happens when you get bitten by the running bug. But training for the long races also means you might start needing more sleeps, and getting rest. It means you’d be forced to look after yourself. But more importantly, if you’re able to be dedicated to training, you’d get the runner’s high, which is much healthier than the other type. But also, I swear my brain feels like it gets reset. The trick is to be able to run long enough. Running, when I actually do it, is a form of meditation. You let your mind wonder where it wants to go. And sometimes, you lose track of time and forget you’re actually running.... that might be very good for emo you...?
I should probably delete this, because I feel I’ll get yelled at...but oh well, I’ve written this much. I’ll delete it tomorrow!
EDIT: Holy sh*t, I’ve outdone myself and written a thesis!
EDIT 2: Resurrected as instructed... :(
Please don't delete your post....
Because then I'll look crazy like I'm talking to myself. Also I like re-reading the stuff that you write.
It sounds like your brain operates a lot like mine does: the crazy spin of nonstop activity until finally falling asleep from exhaustion. For me, what I have found that helps with this is
Whether or not I stay asleep often depends on dreams as well as temperature (where I am now has no air conditioning and it can take a while for it to cool off at night)
)
![IMG_20180715_131926.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/640x0/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmS552eBJrE5ekhQijT5h57SAqPdNHYUkp68CtbmqLn1fv/IMG_20180715_131926.jpg)
As for marathon training, I would love to (my little sister actually has trained for and ran a marathon and I'm very proud of her and a little envious) however, I have compressed discs in my back from deployment as well as shoulder reconstruction from another deployment injury, and any run over 5 miles, despite my muscles and lungs being fine, will result in a lot of back and shoulder pain. But definitely wherever I am, some sort of fitness routine will be in place.
That's great you can bike in to work! Be sure to do some blog posts about your cycling- I love reading people's bicycle blogs, it reminds me of the days when the thing I loved most was my bicycle and the adventures I went on with it.
My ability to "rest and reset" has a lot to do with life circumstances.
Right now going through a divorce, trying to sell a home, and not knowing what comes next means a lot of "noise" in my head that can make hitting that "reset" hard. But I am looking forward to reaching that point I've been at for brief periods where things are feeling good again.
I think you may misunderstand posts of my experiences from 10 years ago as where I am currently at. There is no worry of me "looking after myself"- I eat healthy, and get plenty of exercise. I think you would have a hard time picking an "emo" vibe off of me. But it's ok I'll be emo with you so that you aren't the only emo one.
(
I definitely believe in an afterlife, just not the Christian version. Human self-awareness and ability to think about non-physical entities demonstrates that we are more than physical beings which seems to indicate that death of the body will not mean death of the spirit. What comes next, well I don't think anyone knows that for sure: if we did, then it would make life too easy, right?
There is only one more "demonic" piece it's not a continuing part of what I create, just an interesting anecdote of the part of my life I've been writing about. I am pretty sure I could "find" that part of me again and "let it out" but that sounds kind of "emo" =D
Hey look I found a bumblebee today but it was very happy to gather clover nectar and was not at all interested in me and seemed fairly non-radioactive.
Psst...I’m trying not to junk up your serious post! I can put it back I guess. I was just wanting you to have read. Like who needs a fricken thesis on their blog posts! Lol
You are taking my serious "emo" content and turning it into a happy place and a happy conversation that makes me happy. Happy happy happy. It's what you do best don't fight it!
Now carry on with your thesis on happy.
WTH?! You were standing close enough to take a photo of our collective STEEM wealth and you did not lock it in?!
To say you suck would be too mild! You are the world’s worst get-rich buddy! I have to work, I’ll finish giving you a piece of my mind when my part of the world sleeps!
Omg... So close...
PS: You are totally emo!
Powerful stuff. I'm glad the lady cop let you off with a warning.
Powerful stuff. I'm
Glad the lady cop let you
Off with a warning.
- blockurator
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
I wish I could resteem this comment.
Yeah me too losing my license would have really sucked. Luckily I got my act together behind the wheel pretty damn quick after that.
Oh snap you've been haiku-d .
Can't say I've ever read a haiku with "lady cop" in it lol
Ha ha yeah that' s original. Lol
brave work sir, you really did a courageous act, i really appreciate you on this act
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