Great post! ❤️

Just read this finally. So, this was something a Facebook friend actually explained to me a while ago. I wished I had it in front of me, it was the first time I’d ever considered how the instinctive reactions that were the difference between life and death during deployment is hard to switch off on return to civilian life. Especially for those that need to be redeployed. I appreciate this example too.

What I absolutely love reading from this post was that you immediately switched to cycling. Not only was it pragmatic, but it’s a great option for convenience, fitness, and general happiness. I believe we’re just happier when on a bike. Love bikes, my favorite non-living thing is my bike. I just discovered that my workplace has all the facilities that will allow me to cycle in. It’s going to be over 40km one way, so I’m going to give it a go when Spring arrives. With that all said, I’m glad you’re still in one piece despite your near misses. But totally yes, share some bike art.

And yeah, that scares me the most, bouncing off bike onto oncoming traffic. I’m not a fan on riding on roads at all. The thing that goes through my mind is, shit, shit, shit, I hope I don’t die... And it’s not cars that I worry about, it’s me. I am easily distracted.

You mentioned the afterlife again, does that mean you kinda believe it? And all this demonic art...I suppose you’d best just embrace it rather than rebel. We all have our dark side shaped by our experiences, it’s another part of you expressing itself. It need not feel like it has to end with an exorcism, and maybe you can just look at the art and think, “Oh wow, demonic me is talented and my dark side needs an outlet too...”

I don’t mean to make light of your thoughts, but I think you should just appreciate yourself for all your ‘layers of complexity’, it’s very interesting.

As for waking thoughts, dreams and etc. I can definitely agree with you there. I don’t have whatever it is you have, but I do get these voices, hallucinations, horrible physical sensations, and being frozen in terror. It happens between that sleep and waking point. There’s a name for it. Had it my whole life, and it was my husband who finally noticed the pattern. It happens because I am mentally exhausted. I have never in my life slept easily. My brain spins and spins until I burn out in exhaustion. Then my brain obviously does stuff. Maybe it’s like that with you? You’re so haunted by these memories, you’re unable to rest and reset.

So what weapon can you use? You don’t sound like you’re unfit, so you could consider training for a marathon and then ultrathon!! I’m only saying this because there is something that happens when you get bitten by the running bug. But training for the long races also means you might start needing more sleeps, and getting rest. It means you’d be forced to look after yourself. But more importantly, if you’re able to be dedicated to training, you’d get the runner’s high, which is much healthier than the other type. But also, I swear my brain feels like it gets reset. The trick is to be able to run long enough. Running, when I actually do it, is a form of meditation. You let your mind wonder where it wants to go. And sometimes, you lose track of time and forget you’re actually running.... that might be very good for emo you...?

I should probably delete this, because I feel I’ll get yelled at...but oh well, I’ve written this much. I’ll delete it tomorrow!

EDIT: Holy sh*t, I’ve outdone myself and written a thesis!
EDIT 2: Resurrected as instructed... :(