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Upfundme Compliance - @nikema's basic income fund

Goal: $2040
Progress: $4.82

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This is an attempt to track all of my STEEM post earnings with my fundition tag. The goal is to create a basic income for myself using fundition.io, upfundme, and steembasicincome.

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I nearly broke down

It took getting to the end of my rope to get me to make a change. I was a mess. I was trying to build a business, home educate my kids, and save the world. I would frequently and publicly burst into tears. I couldn't even take a complement without crying. Anything that caused me to reflect on my self-worth led to tears.

I was mentally, physically, and spiritually sick. Something had to change or I would have seriously crashed. I'm THE adult in my house, I knew I had to get better or my kids would suffer. They were already suffering due to my untreated depression and unstable emotions.

Identifying the root beliefs

I don't think I made it to rock-bottom, but I was close. Intuitively, I knew I had to reset. I had to stop and change the way I was living. I was attempting to serve others from a cup that was bone-dry. I needed to pause and start filling myself up and thats what I did.

I cut out every activity I could starting with social media. I stopped volunteering. I stopped being the friend that others could lean on and call for help. I became willing to look within and to evaluate my thought-patterns and core beliefs.

What I found is that I was operating with cognitive distortions and many of them were put into place long ago. I held on to many limiting beliefs about myself and life. Some of them were always flawed, some were actually helpful at some point but had lived on past their utility. Here are a few of the limiting beliefs I found:

• It's safer not to be seen.
• Good things never last for you so don't get your hopes up.
• You're not attractive by anyone's standards, so outer appearance doesn't matter.
• Men suck...(this one goes deeper and I'm not getting into that today :))
• Mothers' needs come after the kids'.
• If you work hard enough, and give enough of yourself, others will see your worth.

These are the honest root beliefs but my surface thoughts told a different story. I had a false confidence. It was unfortunately an easy to crack facade as evidenced by my frequent mini-meltdowns.

It's was that last item on the list that prompted me to write today.

Work hard and you will be worthy

Replacing the root belief

I made a conscious effort to replace that belief with the the idea that my self-worth is immutable. It can't be added to or taken away from. It can't be earned, bought, or stolen. I've got one unit of self-worth just like every other human on the planet.

I started running a check with myself before saying yes to anything. I don't know who said it first, but I like the test, "if it's not a hell yes, it's a no." I also make sure that my yes to someone else isn't saying no to my needs or wants.

I also started taking medication for anxiety and depression. I think I needed that chemical boost. I have different thoughts now, but I'll save that for another day.

It helped. I started to recover. I started to slowly fill my cup.

Oops, I forgot that my needs come first

Somehow, I forgot. I started taking on jobs for others and neglecting my business activities. It manifested as a persistent pain and stiffness in my neck and right shoulder. Nothing I tried including ibuprofen, heat, cold, arnica, or cannabis helped. Once I started using my "no" again, the pain eased. Almost like magic. I'm grateful that I was able to recognize the source of that pain and remedy it.

Take care of yourselves, you deserve it

I'm writing to remind you and myself that we deserve good lives. You don't have to work to be worthy of that. You just are. I just am.

I know that some moms will read this and I want to say this to you specifically,

Make sure your needs are met

We are much better parents, friends, and partners when we honor and take care of ourselves. Contrary to popular belief, moms aren't fueled solely by their love for their children. Please, please, please, be good to yourselves. To paraphrase Lisa Nichols, fill your cup to overflowing and serve others from the overflow.