Ulog #4: Relinquishing Control
Recently I have really been enjoying watching the bond develop between Oreo and the kids. He really has time to snuggle with everyone. It’s me during the afternoon, Katalina in the morning, Soren in the evening and during the night he snuggles with my husband. Ironically one of the reasons why we got him in the first place was so that we could try and encourage Katalina to sleep in her own bed. The thinking was because she loves dogs so much we could bribe her to sleep with a pet on her own every night. Oreo is sleeping in the right bed, she’s just not in it with him. My husband is hahaha.
We’ve tried all sorts of tricks over the last few months to try and get her to, firstly, go sleep at a respectable hour and secondly, to actually sleep in her own bed. She is quite a determined little one, our daughter, but I think I might be getting somewhere. Earlier this week I was busy discussing my relationship with her with my psychologist. As it turns out we butt heads as much as we do because we both want to be in control hahahaha. I want her to do something and I want her to do it in a certain way. She probably doesn’t mind doing it but wants to do it differently and that’s where we work each another’s nerves.
This got me thinking about other frustrating situations or relationships in my life and that’s exactly what it is. I want that control. My son and I don’t clash nearly as much as he is quite comfortable for me to tell him what to do and how to do it. Not that he doesn’t argue back or anything, he’s just more comfortable with letting someone else take control of a situation. My daughter on the other hand, not so much.
Once I’m made aware about something about myself I like to mull it over. I want to understand it and figure out how I can embrace it, adapt it or remove it. Yes, I like to be in control. It’s a part of me and I just have to learn to acknowledge that I can’t be in control of everything. That realization is still sinking in.
I like examples to explain a thought so here’s one that springs to mind. Last night my daughter was requesting her usual buffet options for supper. She likes to eat a little of this and a little of that and not just one thing in particular. One of the options requested was cucumber. I grabbed the cucumber and proceeded to slide the plastic down so that I could cut it. She enthusiastically screamed that, “I can do it.” I gave it to her to do. Then I asked for it back so that I could cut it however she said that she wanted to cut it. The thoughts going through my mind as she said that were:
- She could cut herself
- She’ll probably cut huge chunks off
- She could slip with the knife and stab herself to death
Sheesh my brain sometimes. At the same time, I remembered my conversation with my psychologist. So I took a deep breath and let her cut the cucumber. Nothing happened as I was there guiding her. Yes, she did cut off big chunks hahaha, but the look of accomplishment and pride that she had on her face was so worth it.
The look I got last night was the same.
It’s only been a few days and I can already notice a difference in both her behaviour and my own stress levels. It’s been unburdening to just let her be. Not in a let her get her way all the time kind of way. More of in a step back and let her do it herself kind of way. This morning she brushed her own hair, didn’t fight with me about getting dressed and has generally just been more relaxed. I suppose if someone kept taking my control away from me, like I had been doing to her, I would be aggressive too.
I’m intrigued to see where this goes. So far, I’m more relaxed, my household is more peaceful and everyone is just moving along without me trying to control everything… which in its self, has brought a lot of relief to myself.
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
All photos were taken by me 😊, with my Samsung Galaxy S8.
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It is a challenging thing to control.... "control" that is ;)
I have it. Jude has it. and I can TOTALLY relate!!!! But... don't EVER squash it! That would be my STRONGEST piece of advice. It is a leadership quality and will stand Katalina in VERY good stead as she grows older. She very clearly knows who she is... and in today's realm of kids.... you WANT this!
Don't chastise her because trust me... she will BUCK you FAR worse later and you do NOT want that with a strong personality... because it will no doubt go south for all parties involved.
Well done for letting her do it! Trust me!!!! She is VERY COMPETENT! She has as much chance at cutting herself as you do hon ;) You did the right thing in letting her do it. The more you embrace her capabilities, the more you will be amazed by them... and it will grow her confidence and enthusiasm too.
The other day... so RANDOMLY at a petrol station on our way up to go and enjoy the snow... jude and I walked across towards the shop entrance and one of the petrol attendants smiled and shouted as he passed us - pointing at Jude "A future Leader!" It was such a random occurrence, but I know its true - and the SMILE that beamed off his face - I will never forget!
It has taken me a long time to process this, because I am a complete OCD control freak - but I have accepted now and acknowledged that my little boy is simply exceptional and is VERY CAPABLE and so, I ALWAYS afford him the opportunity to shine if I can.
xxx
Thank you very much @jaynie for your lovely comment on this. My need to be in control has always helped me stay away from things that could have potentially harmed me, so I embrace it for that. What I am learning now is that it is not necessary for me to control everything, only what relates to myself. It's brought me a lot of peace.
Since I've taken a step back the relationship between Katalina and myself has truly blossomed into a great one. She's happier and I'm happier and now we sort of work together through it all.
So awesome to receive such an amazing compliment for your son. I'm sure it wasn't only Jude that was beaming. As parents that's all we can do, know our children and support their natural capabilities. They will take it from there.
It is really hard for parents to let go and let it be especially for things we may be concerned of possible danger or negative consequence. It is natural to think of possible negative issue and want to prevent it. Good attempt! Teaching children is like flying a kite where sometimes you need to pull back the string and sometimes you need to let go the string a little for it to fly higher.
I love comparing parenting to flying a kite, what a wonderful way to describe it. Thank you very much for your support.
@jusipassetti you were flagged by a worthless gang of trolls, so, I gave you an upvote to counteract it! Enjoy!!
Thank you very much.
So true. At times, stepping back is the answer, and the elevating platform they need to flourish. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you @heartscally.
Aww, I also consider myself a control freak, although I think I've gotten much better about it. And I was raised by one, as well! I can tell you that you're on the right track. I was the daughter in your story and I remember countless, frustrating times when I just wanted to be able to explore how to do something on my own. Even to this day, it is still the same, and still as frustrating!! So, as hard as it may be to watch your daughter do something in the completely wrong and inefficient way - just let her. You'll both be better off for it! :D