Late Night Reflections... and Reminiscence (Ulog No. 11)
Another late night; another day slides by.
It's 11:46 at night as I finally sit down to write a bit; I've been "meaning to" do that for several days.
Makes me ponder just how much time we spend reminiscing about things we "meant to" get done.
Reflections on peaceful moments...
"Reminiscing" is a Funny Thing...
Somebody once told me that we spend more and more time looking back as we age... because we gradually reach a point where we have more life behind us than in front of us.
Whereas I am not exactly in my "golden years" yet, I have grown more and more aware of the underlying truth in that assertion.
And I have grown more and more aware that my patience with doing "meaningless busy-work" grows less and less.
But what are we really doing when we look back?
I find points on the curve of life that hold feelings that seem to have grown scarce or completely absent.
Some might argue that we are longing for places and people from those times... but we are not. I learned that some years ago, after my mother died and I realized that — in some weird way — I was now an "orphan."
And so, I went "time traveling;" seeking out places and people where I felt strong attachments and a sense of "better days." But — as I visited spots from my teens — I quickly realized that it wasn't about places and people I missed... I was trying to recreate feelings and sensations.
Summerhouse of my childhood in Denmark...
But they existed no more.
You the "I" that existed when those feelings happened; the "you" that existed when you consider some point that has a strong memory and sense of longing for you... those people don't exist anymore. And so, we might be able to revisit the place, but the feelings have long since vanished into the ethers, like mist before the morning sun.
And so, we can't "go back." We can only visit a place inside ourselves.
Places I (can't) Visit...
I have been looking at these places in the past that so often feel so drawn to; places that set my mind adrift, more often... these days.
What are these places?
Invariably, they are places where things moved more slowly; when I had more time (or so it seemed) and it didn't seem quite so hard to just "run in place."
Maybe it seems sad — or even a little twisted — that my days of living as a more or less shut-in recluse in a one-bedroom apartment; or even moments of my time of homelessness seem... sweeter than the current moment.
I talked to a friend today; she stopped by the gallery while I was working. I asked her how life was. "Too much," she replied.
Somehow, I understood that. It made perfect sense.
Simplicity.
Where have we been...?
Much of my current existential questioning revolves around the reality that I have never measured my sense of self around the metrics of having and accomplishing. But because that's the greater world's yardstick for measuring such things, it also means that the greater world is — in essence — set up to cater to those things.
Simple "Beingness" is not really valued.
"That's nice, but what can you DO with that?" is the typical response.
Meanwhile the pile of stuff that "has to be done" keeps piling up... so I'd better get back to it, because there's no time to drift off like this...
I wish you all peaceful moments!
Comments, as always, are welcome. Because interaction and engagement are cool! So leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 181016 00:23 PDT
I am closing in on my "golden years"....and find as one gets older one faces more mental and physical challenges....I truly relate to the reality when one suddenly realizes they have a lot less quality time ahead of them than they left behind....
One of the few benefits I find with aging is one has to shrug their shoulders more often since the mental and physical energy to "do it all" isn't there....
Fortuately....I have been involved with a program that suggests things like...serenity is a state of mind and one can find it despite what's going on around them....and in these fast paced days....I use that thought regularly....I've learned to enjoy small moments....joys....peace....as simple as being greeted by my purring kitten in the morning....
We often try to bite off and chew too much of life....I am learning to appreciate smaller portions...try not to let the "have to's" grind me down...enjoy moments like this reading another human's thoughts as they too ponder their existence and meaning while the clock ticks on....
This type of picture reminds me of peaceful moments...
I like the picture of the cat @bobreedo! I find watching cats sleep to be a great consolation in life. And they remind me to not take my own plight too seriously.
My wife and I are both increasingly dealing with the challenge of "we're not 29 anymore" and it's harder on some days than others... and we're learning to shrug more often and not worry so much about being able to do everything that was on the "to do list" that morning.
Glad you enjoyed picture and happy to hear you have learned the importance of finding time to "catnap"....lol.
I've heard that before, about reminiscing more because more time is behind us. I guess that's true, but I wonder what that means about our present. When we're doing that, are we saying our best days are behind us? Or is it just that our youth remains there. I mean, there are things I can't do now that I will think about. I will still think I have time to do this or that and put it off another day. My wife doesn't think I've matured past 20-something, if that. So, in my case, while I do look back from time to time, I'm not willing to give up yet on my future, even though my present is rather stagnant at the moment.
Who knows if it's realistic for me to think I will finally make it as a writer, or finally get those comic book stories out of my head and into some visual medium? I could just give up on all of that and resign myself to the fact that I'm starting over completely at 52 and go get the Walmart greeter job. Somehow, though, the idea makes me feel worse than believing the impossible. :)
Good questions all, Glen — I am really not sure.
I think — at least from a personal perspective — that my tendencies to look back ebb and flow in tandem with the stress/work level of my life. At the the moment I'm in one of those phases where I feel overworked and underpaid... and even though I am self-employed, I am struggling to my way out. I consider changing direction, but face too many "and then's." I could go and do this differently, but there's a $4000 property tax bill due next month... and then after that there's something else... and on, and on. To echo your own words: My present is feeling a little stagnant at the moment...
And so, there's a bit of an "escape" involved in the process of dreaming of "easier days" in the past, when there were fewer obligations, and less that felt like it "had to" be done, all the time.
So I keep plugging on, because (at 58) I am also not ready to just quit and go do the Walmart greeter thing. Or, in my case, stock shelves at Safeway from 11pm to 7am. It's a particular brand of "giving up" I am yet to consider facing, head on.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
We've got a $4,000-plus property tax bill coming up next month, too. It was under $2,000 when we first got here 13 years ago. But then the public school district and the local community college floated levies for expansion and improvements, the voters passed each one, and viola, over $4,000 and growing in a matter of two years.
I see. Easier days. I understand that. I look back fondly on things like Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother's house. Talk about easier times! Eat all you want, burn it all off without doing anything. :)
I could probably get into the stockings shelves at Safeway. Those would be killer hours to keep, though. I'll keep that in mind. :)
Well, you're a few years down the road from me with this whole life journey thing, so whatever words of wisdom or "hang in there" I could provide wouldn't be anything you haven't already thought of. Things have a way of working out, one way or another, so I hope things turn around or turn to your liking, whichever is best. Things can always be better, and they can always be worse. :)
Sometimes the best thing I can do is just write some of this stuff out and just "toss it out there" and other people (such as yourself) step in and we all swap stories... as a result of which we realize we're not alone, and so the burden becomes slightly easier to bear.
One of the things I fear many of us are facing is "creeping elegance" which is basically a form of "hidden" cost of living expenses. They say "the economy" is doing really well, and yet so many are struggling.
Here's a good example: Our homeowner's insurance renewed a couple of months ago. It was $980 or something, or basically just a few percent more than last year. Fine. As per every previous year, we chose the "Down payment + 9 monthly payments" option. Still fine.
HOWEVER, new this year is a $3.50/payment "convenience fee" for the automatic monthly withdrawal. ALSO new is that there is now a "premium" for the payment plan. It's 10% higher if you do the monthly payment thing. So ACTUALLY, our insurance didn't increase by about $30, it increased by something $170!
But here's the rub: As far as "the economy" and the formal "cost of living" is concerned, it will still go into the history books as having increased $30 or a few percent. The fees will not "exist" in the economic status reporting because ON PAPER the insurance could have been bought for $980.
Our home owner's insurance is always doing something—we have it bundled with auto, so that price for the umbrella seems to go up every year—houses burn down somewhere, we get to pay higher premiums—for a while, they had our daughter-in-law on our insurance, even though she had her own insurance. They'd lived with us for a while, and so the insurance company just went ahead and added her, but not my son.
Seems like the economy has gotten better somewhat, but there's probably a lot more to go. I heard on the radio yesterday that they're predicting another recession by 2020—just in time for another presidential election, which probably has as much to do with the prediction as anything.
re: toss it out there
I agree. Conversation starters make for good posts, as far as I'm concerned. I have enough accumulated experiences now, there seems to be something that will fit most topics. :)
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