MISALIGNED LOGIC & FEELINGS - Dealing with It
Since many years, I'm my own boss. I left a well paid job to try to find my own ways to earn a living through contracting and supporting projects I really like - from own defined and created projects, to supporting projects from others. Throughout this journey, I was able to learn a lot being involved in completely different market segments dealing with totally different products and services, executing a wide variety of tasks, from being an advisor to a startup hotel, proposition creator for various entrepreneurs, to launching product upcycle projects and becoming a Steemian.
A wonderful time, for SURE!
Although I really liked and still like working on all these different projects, I was struggling with the income side of things. Therefore I signed an employee contract - for the duration of 6 months - with one of Dutch leading IT companies.
Giving up All my Freedom?
The employee status in itself was a big challenge for me and took me several weeks to accept. Last weeks I simply felt going back to the status of being an employee equals giving up a lot of my freedom! Even when in reality this is not the case at all! Yeh, of course, an employer can ask to execute certain tasks, and in some way this can be seen as an order, a loss of freedom; However as a contractor or working with others in a team on some project, we need to deliver also the things we agreed to! Regardless of being an employee or contractor, we have our responsibilities and obligations. Therefor, being a contractor and contract myself for an assignment of half a year, is not that much different to agreeing to an employee contract for half a year. Especially when such employee contract is for a position allowing me a lot of freedom, from how to execute the job, what location to execute the job from (office, home), to when to take days off and vacations and so on. Realistically, the perceived freedom as a contractor is not that much different from the freedom I will have in this job I signed up for.
Accepted! Or?
Yesterday, I was at the point my mind was in harmony with the reality; Finally I was ready to say yes to the offer and signed the contract! And it felt good actually, since the job is interesting, the compensation is good, and I don't have to figure out how to pay my bills the next twelve months.
Since my signature, I'm flooded with e-mails from the HR department of this company requesting to fill in all sorts of forms (employee signup forms, loan tax forms, diploma forms and what not). After the second email, and the third form to fill in, I'm getting this uncomfortable feeling again of being back to square one! Nothing has changed with regard to the job itself - still I will have almost all the freedom I would have as a contrator and my bills for the rest of the year are settled - but all these forms gives me this locked-in feeling again, this feeling I'm giving up my freedom.
It is just to funny to experience these feelings! A feeling not based on realities! A feeling completely misaligned with the objective reality and my own logic mind.
Generally, I don't have issues with accepting the realities and bring my feelings in line, in harmony. This is maybe the first time in my life I feel like being between two HUGE fires and have difficulties to accept realities. Knowing myself, time will move me - slowly - to acceptance, so I hope also this time the same will happen. But at this stage, it doesn't feel like that, unfortunately :(
Let Loose: Completely!
I think I need to party hard this weekend, bring my mind into other dimensions, to be able to forget all of this for a couple of days, and check in - my mind I mean :) - again sometime - early (or maybe not so early) - next week.
The voices that tell us something is not the right choice are always worth exploring even if illogical. As a self-employed artist, I understand the lure of the guaranteed paycheck.
I am not saying don't do it. Sometimes we have to. Just pay attention to your doubt, as you clearly are.
Maybe start a list "It is important to me that..." to figure out what your core issues are and see if you can make some promises to yourself to keep those key things in place.
Either way, take this with a grain of salt and good luck!!
Thanks so much for your advise. I can at any time walk away from the agreement I made, ok I need a couple of weeks notice, but only from April, before April I can leave any second. I said yes yesterday, so I should give it a little chance. I will give myself a couple of weeks into the job to see how that effects my feelings.
For me, unless I feel strongly about something, I don't do it.
And if I do it, I make a habit of completing it. Because if I back up, I will keep backing up again and again from everything.
At the end, it is just six months, with something new to learn, maybe you will like it and continue it.
I certainly do what I promised to do, at all times, so yeh, I'll do the six months. And indeed, these six months may lead to more, or other things.
Regarding not doing something that doesn't feel right, well, I do the same, but I also use my logic since feelings can be deceptive such as it is deceiving me at the moment, triggered by some more papers to fill in and sign :)
Well, everything is difficult in the starting, remember school and college days.
But with time, they feel good.
You are so right! :)
I like you
i want you upvote behind i have maybe because of your upvote i can change my fate thank you