I am a stickler for wording on a question, and so just to be clear this is how I am seeing dissension:

Dissension
Discord, strife, conflict, contention, dissension.

An agreement that leads to discord.
A state or condition marked by a lack of agreement or harmony. Discord implies an intrinsic or essential lack of harmony producing quarrelling, factiousness, or antagonism. a political party long racked by discord.

This is such an important question, because disagreements amongst family, friends, and work colleagues is something that happens every day, and can make or break relationships and even families. Its interesting to note that when we think about disagreements we are usually referring to ideas, concepts, or opinions that have originated from your mouth! That is to say that whilst it may seem that much of our conflicts are due to circumstantial events, meaning we did something, or that we have differences that clash.

We put the blame on the details of the situation rather than on the communication that happened before, during, and after the event. Notice also that I used the word event, because most conflicts are something that happen at a certain point.. like when you have just had enough and have a backlog of misgivings behind you and finally explode! So it is also very useful to bear this in mind, because if we explode every so often then that is all it takes to have conflict arising frequently in your life.

There are many ways to deal with dissension and conflict in any situation. Much depends on the people involved, and every situation has to be handled with emotional intelligence, thought, and consideration to all involved. Ultimately the way forward lies in communication, and more to the point none violent communication. This basic concept alludes most of the people in most of the world, who do not even have a basic grasp of what none violent communication is, and how it can change any situation before the need to compromise or spend hours arguing ensues. Since it is not possible to just TELL someone to communicate none violently, here are some of the things I would do to try to bring harmony and resolution to any conflict.

1. Discuss

The problem arose from the mouth, and can be solved through the mouth by good communication. Since most people I meet are not exactly experts in none violent communication I would do my best to lead the discussion and set the tone before anything else happens. The tone is always compassionate, and gives everyone a chance to be heard without any interruptions except for on extreme occasions. I try to bring in the practical side of things when appropriate and establish and affirm the boundaries set by all involved, as well as laws etc.. Building a clear picture of any situation is like detective work, and sometimes its easier to bypass the details and just prevent a conflict from even happening.

Other times you really do have take the time to speak and listen to everyone. If I feel anyone is being aggressive, or crossing a line I will always let them know very clearly, and calmly that it is not acceptable behaviour. Sometimes we need a talking stick' which means that the person talking holds the stick and no one else can talk. This can be very helpful when many people want to speak in a very intense situation. The person holding the stick can choose who to give it to next or the whole group can decide, or if there is a leader they can decide.

2. Resolve / Compromise

I’m not the kind of person who wants everything his way.. sometimes there might be a certain thing that i just wont let go of, but by in large I am willing to compromise to make everyone happy in a given situation. SOme people are more willing to do this than others, and that can lead to unfairness.. so if i was a voice for this community or group I would be sure to check that things are fair between everyone, and probe any details that I need to know to see what a fair compromise is.

Often once all the details are understood that can be enough to deactivate the 'scarcity mentality' because we can see that we are all being treated fairly. This process can also uncover details that were misunderstood and this can lead to unspoken conflicts that are based on false knowledge alone! I have seen this happen SO many times, and have definitely saved the day on more than one occasion by discovering utter inverted misunderstandings from a conversation or agreement. Never underestimate the ability of people to hear or even say the opposite of what they actually mean!

Resolution may not be possible or come from compromise, and these can be difficult situations. There are times when you just cant fix something, and in those times we need to find another approach. This is when our imaginations can run wild, because there are SO many ways to make someone happy... WE can make promises to make things up in another way, such as a massage or to cook a nice meal,, or help out more in ways that you can.

Even just agreeing to wait can help a conflict and bring some kind of boundary to a situation. If someone is fed up waiting for their neighbour to fix a fence for example, you can establish a date when they can do it by. That way you end up both agreeing to something, and if that agreement is not met you have every right to come back to them on it.

Ultimately ones ability to resolve conflicts depends on their character. Generally it is those with compassion, intelligence, and with a caring disposition who can resolve conflicts the most efficiently. WHilst strong characters who can intimidate others also resolve conflicts in the short term, they are not real resolutions and will just resurface in other ways in the future. These are skills that can be learned, and there are SO many amazing workshops on things like none violent communication (NVC) and emotional intelligence that we are spoiled for choice. If i was a boss of a company I would have NVC training for every member of staff on Monday morning at 9am before the week starts. Every week!, heck maybe every day!!!

3. Get CLosure. Forgive, Shake hands / Hug / Party / ENjoy

Depending on the situation we need to get closure in one way or another, AKA forgive! Once we have passed the stage where we need to say anything more, and the situation has been resolved, we need to clean the air!

Even though we may have agreed everything, the human mind loves to doubt and question, and so that atmosphere needs to be cleaned up in order to move on quickly and in a positive direction. If you are in an office, a GOOD handshake and maybe a drink or coffee or lunch together would do the trick.

If you are friends you can go out and party.. if you are lovers you can of course make love.. and if you are siblings or a parent you can just play together and do something fun or creative.

4. Be prepared to lose, or let go

Sometimes a conflict is too much to bear due to either physical or emotional abuse, or just an untenable situation. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to let go of something very important. It may be a job, or a relationship, but whatever it is we have to know when it is time to let go of something, because there is no way out of the conflict. When loss is the only option left, you may really have to take it, no matter what the consequences may seem to be.

I would like to leave you with a beautiful youtube video about NVC, very inspiring.. an education!

Nonviolent Communication Workshop - Marshall Rosenberg

 

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