I, the Forgotten

in #thoughts8 years ago

leftovers

I remember more things than most people. It's not that I have an eidetic memory, it's just that things stick to me more easily, I guess. With that being said, I don't know why, but I'm usually forgotten. The same thing applies for me being constantly ignored.

I'm posting this in hopes of reaching out to other people like me, and to tell you that you're not alone. I wanted to accumulate all the data I can to figure out what causes this strange anomaly. Most importantly, I want to devise a definitive solution to this problem.

Growing up, it was hard having this ... curse. I always keep getting left behind, not unlike Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. I always end up not receiving gifts during occassions. I always end up not being asked about my feelings for a subject matter. Even when I'm older I still suffered the consequences. My restaurant orders don't get ordered. I always end up not getting listed in queues. My officemates leave without me when eating lunch. I always end up not getting included in whatever activity. Close friends I had in the past don't remember who I am. Although, one of the most painful things is when I don't get credit for the good that I do.

The other worst thing about this condition is that I get projected on. A lot. What I mean to say about this is that people project their own negative attributes on me. Whether it's their competitive nature or their insecurities, they make it seem as if I'm the one who has those things. It's a terrible thing for a kid to be accused of bullying or cheating especially when he has done none of those things.

Even though it seems that all I suffer are downsides, there's still a few funny moments that resulted from this. Most of the time I can get away with a prank without being noticed or blamed for it. People I made enemies of often forget who I am. I don't get charged when I eat out (though I still pay in full). Generally, I focus more on the times I get away with pranking people.

I remember this one time, I've been talking to a friend I haven't seen in 4 years for more than 10 minutes. Mind you, we weren't that close but we shared a lot of fun memories. I wore my company ID strapped on a lace tied around my neck, and he kept trying to look at it. I could sense from the conversation that he didn't remember who I am, so I tucked the ID inside my shirt and decided to play a prank. He kept fishing for information so that he could remember where he knew me from, so I decided to throw in a couple of misleading information. All the while, he kept nodding and agreeing even though I was either mining from memories he didn't know or I was making stuff up. He was being polite, and didn't want to admit he didn't remember my name. I was laughing inside. I can't believe I was getting away with it.

It's a bittersweet feeling, being forgotten. One thing's for sure though, it's definitely strange. A lot of people say that it's just all in my head, but I literally calculated the stats to prove my theory. I'm missing one important thing in all of my analysis though: why.

What were the factors that contributed to my being forgotten? Here's my attempt of breaking down things that I've discussed with people so far:

A matter of physical appearance

prosopagnosia

Granted, I have a sharper memory than most, but does that excuse people from not remembering my face? "You look familiar, have I seen you somewhere?", now that's a question I'm tired of being asked. Some people remember each other even though they haven't seen each other in more than 20 years. They look nothing like they did before, but once they remember, it's as if the last time they met was yesterday.

Some humans have a hard time remembering faces. Maybe because of a weakness in their spatial recognition or they have Prosopagnosia. Those people have a valid scientific excuse why they don't remember, but it's an all or nothing condition. For people who remember someone they last saw 10 years ago and not remember me from last week, even though we've known each other for more than 5 years, what's their excuse?

It could also be attributed to my facial structure, but I've yet done any scientific research regarding this. Is it possible? Are some people's faces not inclined to be remembered?

A matter of impact

impact

Is it a question of not leaving a big enough mark? When I scored the first perfect grade in an exam, was that not a big enough mark? When I re-arranged the structure and it's still being used to this day, was that not a big enough mark? When I'm the only one who has done something even though many others have attempted it and failed, was that not a big enough mark?

I make it a point to leave my mark in everything I do. Now, "impact" can be rather subjective, in that what's important to you may not be highly regarded by others. Does this play a role in my not being remembered?

A matter of naming

name

Is it my name or the structure of my name? Is it not unique enough to stand out? My first name is Jed Aureus, 1 + 3 syllables in total. I don't have an exact statistic but Jed isn't that common of a name in the Philippines, but I've seen quite a few who share my name. For the purpose of this exploration, let's consider it uncommon. It only has one syllable, and it's not that hard to pronouce or spell. Aureus is a bit tricky, but based on my research it's quite rare, if not unique. I don't use my second name in everyday conversation any way, so we can factor that out.

Could it be a combination of my face with my name that works against my not being remembered?

A matter of attitude

I hate competition. So much so that I just let people win without any effort. God knows with any little effort I show, I would immediately be accused of being competitive or not a good sport. I've been accused of a lot of bad things that I haven't done, that I don't know how to distinguish myself apart from those anymore. It's not that I don't fight back, it's just that I pick my battles and avoid argument whenever I can.

I'm an introvert through and through. Even though I don't prefer socializing, I do engage in some social functions. I don't go to raves or a lot of mixers, but I try to network in my limited capacity. There are many famous introverts, and I've never forgotten any other more reclusive people that I've been acquainted with.

My favorite team is the San Antonio Spurs, and much of my favorite fictional characters aren't the ones at the top of people's list of favorites. Most of them are even forgotten as well. Admittedly, these things factor in to my attitude greatly. I don't care about recognition, I just want to help people and do the job I'm meant to do.

Could this be the cause why people don't remember me? Combined with a subjectively limited impact, could my temperament be a major factor why I'm not being remembered?

A matter of perception

perception

Is this all in my head? Am I just focusing, rather am I just fixating on the majority of events like this throughout my life? When I used "always" earlier, I never meant it to be a 100% thing, but I think it's safe to say that 18 out of 20 people I know don't remember me. I know a lot of people, so that says something.

Am I only taking into account all the times I haven't been remembered? What about the 0.1% times that I was remembered? I cherish those relationships, I can tell you that much. I've always appreciated all the people who remember me.

I've talked to a former employer about this before, and he shared that in his group of friends, there's also one person who's always being forgotten. They always forget to invite him when they go out, they forget to take his order or bring him some gift. The same thing that happens to me. He couldn't really say what our commonalities were, but at least I know I'm not alone.

I simply don't matter to other people

Maybe I've just constantly fallen into bad crowds all my life. Well, not bad bad, but bad in the sense that I simply don't matter. Friends, classmates, even online communities cough Steemit cough. It's a seemingly never ending cycle. Heck, just yesterday, I posted on #postpromotion in chat and nobody seemed to notice. I upvoted and commented on other people's post, and my post was just left drifting into oblivion. I tried experimenting typing some random nonsense, and I felt more insignificant than a fly on the wall. At least, it gets the opportunity to be swatted.

So, I'm not going to promote this anymore. I'm just going to see if anyone notices this and cares enough to comment. All my points above ended in questions because I need help. I need your valuable insights. I don't normally ask for help, and just provide my own help, but this time I'm opening up.

Sort:  

Ok so I just came here from your other post. It's getting harder to get noticed on Steemit as more people sign up so it will probably be more about just connecting with others through comments and conversation or getting one or two posts to take off to get attention. (Note: The conversations here aren't as robust as they could be because there aren't as much direct incentives to comment as there are for posting or voting). Steemit payouts may exacerbate this feeling because of the whale effect and the Zipfs law algorithm that heavily weights a small percentage of posts.

In any case on to more of your experience, psychology and question. It's interesting. I may have experienced some of what you have so I'm sure it happens to everyone, but I do agree your situation is a bit extreme. It's probably a combination of factors.

You may be falling into bad crowds especially if you're being accused of things you haven't done.

I think facial features can have an effect because people remember unusual features and that helps the memory. Cindy Crawford's mole is an extreme example, but some people have more distinct features than others. People dye their hair and a lot about fashion is about standing out.

Yes your temperament is probably a big factor. Maybe psychologically you don't want to stand out as you wrote about before. You want to blend in, but blending in also means not being noticed. It's part of being an introvert and I actually feel better not being noticed most of the time, but I do agree it is hurtful if people you expect to remember you don't. It's natural people remember the extroverts and the ones that want attention.

When I was younger I would fear getting noticed. Getting called on in class was dreadful. These days I'm too old to care and from a business standpoint it's detrimental so I have to network, get noticed and learn about marketing etc. Marketing and branding is mainly about standing out. Crazy fashions. Crazy stunts.

In any case if you are comfortable you could try purposefully to stand out a little bit more in a way that represents you better. I also think maybe a bit of a shift in attitude could help. Maybe competitive actions are not as harmful to others as you might think and will just help you engage more with others as individuals. You can take another perspective about a sports competition. To some it's about ego and a great desire for accomplishment. To others competition helps individuals keep improving their craft and get better individually. Competitors can help each other in many ways. A sports competition is not the be all end all of life and any experience, win or loss can help people be better in other facets of their lives.

Anyways... hope that helps.

@steemrollin I always appreciate your thoughtful comments, and I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I've actually followed your example and leave heartfelt comments whenever I can. Apart from not being noticed on Steemit, I've mostly experienced this for all of my life.

With regard to bad crowds, I attribute it mainly to that projection thing I mentioned. It's not that they're "bad", it's just that they project the negative aspects of their personalities, unfortunately, to me. It's cool. I mean, it's sad most of the time, as I'm in the outs of many groups most of the time, but that's just the cards I'm dealt with. I just want to know why in the most scientific way possible.

I guess in terms of physical appearance, I'm on the upper echelon of the bell curve. Which is not entirely a good thing. But hey, at least I have a future in espionage or at the very least a security auditor gig. With my unremarkable face, I could waltz in and out of buildings without anyone noticing.

With regard to being an introvert, now that I think about it, you're probably right. Since we're more introspective about stuff, we think--or in my case, overthink--about stuff more than others. It's not that I purposefully blend in to hide from a crowd, it's just that I don't purposefully seek attention like most people. I do what I do, and that leaves an immediate mark, although it doesn't last very long. In my mind it does, but others don't share that sentiment.

Man, I feel you, with regard to the fear of getting noticed when I was younger. I felt exactly the same way. I've been trying to purposefully stand out ever since I joined social media. I guess mainly it's due to making up for lost time. I've been engaging with more people, creating publicity stunts that hopefully pique interest but I've been having the most terrible luck. Those who do notice compliment its creativity, but sadly it's not being noticed by a wide variety of people.

Noted, regarding competitions. The post I've put up before was just a differing perspective, but I do appreciate the positive effects that competitions bring. Even I lean towards the "improving my craft" side whenever I compete. Extroversion and competition rule the world, so it's definitely hard not to get entangled with those concepts. Even if it's not in my nature, I try to branch out as much as I can.

This helps a lot, and again I just want to thank you for your time. Even if it's just one comment, it really has the weight of 10.

No problem. Yeah it does seem you're aware of most of the various factors. Yeah I think it's great that you're making a concerted effort to be more social. Persistence, experience and time will help. Good luck!

Thanks, man. Your words are very encouraging. If only your approach to inclusion permeated throughout the community, then Steemit would be a more interactive place. One day I just woke up and realized that I should be changing with the times, so I decided to break out of my shell and socialize. I'll try to keep on pounding the rock as much as I can! Thanks!

Hello Jed, I have one thing to say but I really dont want it to come across the wrong way, we create our own reality, whatever we choose to focus on is exactly what we will get. So with a grain of salt take a look on the bright side man :) Also followed :P

This is inline with your reply to my other comment. That's a nice way to look at it and I respect your side of thing, my friend. I try to take in all perspectives I can get so that the situation improves. It could really be just a matter of perception, as you said, but there could also be a mix of factors, just like what steemrollin pointed out before. At this point, it's all about guesswork, but you're right, the easiest thing to adjust is our own perception. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it!

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