The Tears I've Shed From Being Stuck in Life

a write up of how a person could drastically fail at life to the point of hitting rock-bottom, how he found his epiphany, and how he planned to bounce back with the help of steemit - my story

(source: http://agog.ng/tears-cry-way-do%E2%80%95uti-essien/)

I started my college life with a lot of dreams in my head. I was one of those kids who held their heads up high knowing that the future is impregnated with a lot of possibilities whether good or bad. I was one of those kids who boldly promised their family a better future not only for himself, but also for them as well. I dreamed of a big house, a car, and a family.

So I started chasing the life that I have planned for myself. I starting meeting new people from different ethnicities, personalities and backgrounds. I started to slowly discover niches, and thereby knowing myself. Later did I realize, I have already paved a life of my own. Everything was on place.

I come from a family that has enough money to get by on a daily basis, and more. Here in the Philippines, commodities can be bought on a less expensive price. However, that does not apply on us, middle class families. The way I see it, we are neither rich nor poor. My parents send me allowance which I think is more than enough to what I actually need.

I have an older sister who has two kids of her own. I love my nieces. My parents see them as the gift that they have prayed from God. They live in a different city far away from home. I, as well, live in a different city. It's quite a distance from everybody, but we get connected every now and then.

(a photo of our house - my home)

I study in a public university here in the Philippines, the Mindanao State University-Iligan Institute of Technology. It is the prime university in the island of Mindanao and the students here get to enjoy a lot of benefits like 100% free tuition, top-notch academic privileges, high-end research facilities and even a social life at that. I am taking the course Bachelor of Science in Metallurgical Engineering.

My course is not an easy course. It is very demanding. But I still strive hard because what comes after is told to be worth the fight. Being an engineer will get me to places. Being an engineer will reward my parents with every sweat and peso that they have spent just to put me to where I am today. Being an engineer will be my life's greatest trophy. Right there and then I just knew I had to be one.

a photo of my college, College of Engineering

Reality hits you hard

Reality, for me, has struck hard. What I thought was fine, was actually wrong. I knew there was something wrong, I just didn't know what was. The dream was there. The way was there. I was there. But it was about time I realize, I am still there on that step. That dream is supposed to be a reality now. The starting line that I was still standing on is supposed to be the end line, with my family celebrating my victorious finish. My dreams have grown old. When will they then become my reality? Now every finger points to only one conclusion, I am stuck.

(source: http://newlifebaptistchurch.net/sermons/reality/)

Reality check

As I have proceeded to my day to day life in college, it was clear to me that being independent requires me to have the right connections and tap on the right people. I have done that. But in the process of getting along with everybody, I have also tapped on the shoulders of the wrong ones. The dreamy meadow slowly became a cramped jungle full of prey and predators. I began living a life of "eat or be eaten". It was clear to me how people will use you if they get the chance.

I started drinking from dusk 'til dawn. It was a fun thing for me. I did it almost every night. I started smoking. I started using my money to go to other places just for fun. I went to unplanned trips that only looked cool when other people uploaded it online. I started to go out from the truth. I lived an extravagant life. I was happy, very happy at that. But everything didn't seem right. The wrong people became my friends. And it was bound to happen, the wrong people became me.

( these are good people. I just search for a photo that had me partying and drinking :) )

My family has always supported me in everything that I have decided in my life. My parents are the best. They have always been my backbone and go-to persons. But I have forgotten about one thing, and I really regret it; my parents aren't getting any younger. It was then that I realized that my parents aren't always going to be 40 years old. Both of them are getting their retirements soon. It's coming so fast yet i still haven't given them a return of their investments. I am a disappointment.

As I have mentioned, my sister has two precious sons. She has them, but she doesn't have a father figure to support them with. She was raising her children on her own. As of the moment, she doesn't have a stable job and a stable place to live in. She was a mess - she still is. She too felt betrayed. She felt betrayed by the world that promised a greener tomorrow. As my sister was already a major contributor to the bucket of tears that my parents have to cry, I am left with no one to share my problems too. I don't want to add up to the already piling problems they have. I can only tell my family the good stuff in my story. My problems are left for me to cry myself to sleep. I have a family. But right now, I am alone.

(source: http://ruinformer.com/page/v-sevastopole-more-zabralo-rybaka)

I have been a part of a wonderful institution, which is my university. I am a member of a lot of organizations which I can proudly bag on. But with that, I have left my academics behind. It was fun at first, but then reality hit me hard when I got my first failing grade. It was a big failing grade in one of my minors. I really felt bad about it and I thought of quitting. It's true, my social life for me is a great way to release my stress. However, it is a very demanding life as well. Especially that I became an active and vital member of these organizations, I was either too tired to even think of opening my books, or to preoccupied to focus on studying. It was either this or that. I really loved the experience. I loved it too much that I didn't know what to prioritize anymore. I was lost. I remained lost.

I am in a point where I lost interest in finishing what little is left of my college life. It slowly feels like my presence alone reminds my professors of how a student could fail so badly. I guess the biggest thing I can contribute to my department is to set an example of who not to follow. I felt really down how my university and college are always proud of me, but my own department see me as a drag to their names. I know when and where I am not wanted, and I feel that way on the place where I thought I was supposed to be. I didn't belong anymore.

(source: http://radiomonash.net/speak-up-about-suicide/)

Am I worth it?

Am I worth it? Am I worth the try? Am I worth the effort that my parents have given me? I had flat-out hit rock bottom—emotionally, financially, mentally, and spiritually. The crash was painful in every way, and I finally had no choice but to face myself brutally, painfully, and honestly.

At the bottom, I realized just how far off course I was, and that my life choices were simply not sustainable. It’s in those dark moments of despair that my anger and frustration become so great and I declared once and for all to never again accept such mediocrity from myself or from others.

Hitting rock bottom is the beginning of questioning everything that I’ve ever thought to be true. I question my motives, other people’s motives, my beliefs, my fears, why I did things, why I didn’t do things, why I attracted certain people and circumstances, why I succeeded, why I failed. The very fabric of my life is turned upside down and examined in raw detail. It’s from this point that I built again, from the ground up, with a fresh perspective based on ,y renewed sense of clarity.

I gained humility. I saw that life is not black and white and that I don’t know everything. In fact, I realized I know very little, and I decided to become a student of life rather than a juror.

Hitting rock bottom woke me up to how I was relying on externals to make me happy. Instead of needing outside validation, I began to trust myself and started the journey within to find my own sense of self, my own sense of purpose, and my own validation. This new inner sanctuary becomes the foundation for my happy and meaningful new life.

(source: https://guiame.com.br/colunistas/bruno-dos-santos/esperanca-e-o-calmante-que-deus-deixou-dentro-de-nos.html)

Yes, I am worth it.

After hitting my lowest point, I became enormously grateful for all that I have from that time forward. I'm sure that my situation can only get better from here, and it does. Simple things—a smile from a stranger, fresh food in the fridge, warm clothes on my body, a comfy bed, my good health—become things to treasure. My existence is a constant prayer of gratitude to the universe and to myself for having the courage to move beyond hard times and choose life, when I could have chosen a number of other options just to make the pain go away.

I look back with immense gratitude for the incredible gifts that time bestowed upon me. It instilled in me a deep trust that the universe actually did have my back.

You might think I’m crazy for saying this, but I’d do it all again, in a heartbeat, for the incredible insights and growth I gained through what were most definitely my darkest hours.

(source: https://byfelinasilverrobinson.com/2017/12/02/%E2%80%AAa-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel%E2%80%AC/)

If you want to feel the rush, you have to take the risk.

I have tried to find things and activities to help me bounce back in life. I have actually invested so much to many online gigs but I have to really be thankful to steemit. With this, I atleast have a clear path of where I can open up and share my life. Not just that it helps me on my financial needs, it also gives me the avenue to meet new people, discover new ideas, and be aware of the modern way of living and earning.

Now that I am back on track, I am on the way to build a business with my friends as co-partners. Young as I am, it is better to start things early. With the money that I already have, and with the money that I will have from my posts in the future, our plans for the business will make the dream into reality. It is exciting to have a business of our own. It is exciting to finally live.

Thank you steemit for giving us the chance to have a sense of hope. Thank you for giving us the avenue to release our inhibitions, be appreciated and being able to appreciate in return. I may have a small part of this community as of the moment, but there will come a time when I can make a big splash as well. When that time comes, I am sure to be giving back to those who need my help as well.

(source: https://inventionland.com/blog/happy-national-thank-you-day/)

I really have to mention @kneelyrac and @ynohtna29 for introducing me to steemit. If not for them, I wouldn't have known this world where I can express myself, showcase my talents and be appreciated for what I enjoy doing. These two have aided me in every step I took to where I am now. I also would like to thank a few of my steemitachievers family @long888, @mermaidvampire, @ishanvirtue and the rest. You guys have helped me a lot as well. I would like to give thanks to the contest hosts that I have entered so far, you guys kept me busy and away from thinking of the unthinkable. @juliakponsford @magiccleatus @sirsensei @cookiespooky @papa-pepper. Most importantly, Thank you @sydesjokes ,@slothicorn and our very own @surpassinggoogle for helping us beginners here. you have been a great help not only to the steem community but also to our individual personal improvements. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I also would like to thank @dobartim for organizing this contest. here is the link to the contest:
https://steemit.com/steemitultimatechallenge/@dobartim/steemit-ultimate-challenge-8-weeks-prize-fund-2000-sbd-week-6-registration-is-in-progress

Please support @surpassinggoogle as a witness by voting him at https://steemit.com/~witnesses and type in "steemgigs" at the first search box.
If you want to give him witness voting decisions on your behalf, visit https://steemit.com/~witnesses again and type in "surpassinggoogle" in the second box as a proxy.
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THANK YOU!

This is a photo of me.

I know this post is very long. I apologize. But I just felt of pouring my heart out. I even shed a tear upon writing this. This is my story. I hope I inspired someone.

Thank you for dropping by!