I see myself in what you experienced -'living just to live', what I can't see is any hope if I cannot find any subjective purpose. That would be (and is) crushing. Maybe simply writing about what I think is enough, although again I'm unsure and skeptical.

I agree with you that purpose is of our own creation, what frustrates me is that I don't feel genuine or 'real' if I just choose one. I don't honestly know how to reach an answer. The mind is such a conflicting contraption.

I was extremely doubtful of posting this as I didn't know what to expect as a reception. This changed when I realized that I would be effectively self-censoring by not posting, which the thought of which was making things much worse. Also as shown by some Steemians and other people in my personal life, suicide is something that should at least be talked about, in a candid way.

Thanks for helping me to try to figure this out