Leashing the black dog depression

Do I do it? Is today the day? Surely not, I can make it... Just another day, and I'll be fine.
I won't do it..yet?

When I was in middle school, I left home school to join public school, and it was one of the most difficult transitions in life. Granted, I'm 25 years old, but at that time, with the resources and mentality that I had, it was difficult. I'm a male and I used to dance and sing. Very good, I was (yodaspeak sometimes). I went to public school after performing on a few television shows (nationwide - Sally Jesse Raphael, Ed McMan - performed with Nsync, Sysco (dat thong song doh).
So before the age of 13 I got to travel, and I got to see aspects of America that most people wont see in their lifetime.

Now, back to my transition. I get into the public school, because my "career" ended. So because I danced and sang at a popular dance studio, a lot of the students at the dance studio, were students at my new found middle school.

I was ridiculed, called gay, faggot, queer... bullied. I tried hard to make friends and keep a positive attitude, but no one wants to be friends with a fag. I'm not even gay for starters, and I also don't think that matters, but again...12 13 years old, kinda tough. Divorced parents with a self centered mother. Had no outlet... no passion. No one..

I'm a quite intelligent person, negating the many grammatical errors you may come across reading... (i'm pretty informal). With my situation being as described in middle school, i started sleeping in class.... I had no friends, and didn't care what I was learning, because...futility, right? Well, i was then accused of being on speed... lol, sleeping in class on the daily, speed is the drug they chose to accuse me of.

Being accused of drug use, my mother took me out of school, to a doctor and got me drug tested... and at this time, it was true that I have never done a single drug in my life, other than possible medications prescribed for broken arm...etc.. I then am told, because i passed the drug test results with all false results, that I'm depressed.....
Doctors gave my 13 year old self fucking zoloft... Aint nothing like messing with the chemistry of a kids brain as early as possible......

To shorten the more personal things and not turning this into more of a "my life story"... what i want to talk about is suicide....

SUICIDE. Read it.. say it... repeat it.
Because that's what my brain does.
It's convincing me to kill myself. It wants me to die... It wants me to ignore the beauty, that deep down in this world, i fully understand, and i have seen with clear eyes...

I've dealt with the thought of suicide over the many years, and could always push it off... no no, thats stupid, i won't kill myself.. what kind of pussy does that? ......

Well recently, my depression snuck up on me in various forms and i couldn't catch it... and what's worse are the suicidal thoughts that were getting bigger and bigger...louder and louder in my head...
Now let me preface, I wouldn't be sitting around going, hmmm....this is a great thought to bring into my brain.. lets think about suicide.... NO.. aboslutely not, it would be random, playing video games, hanging with friends, eetc.... my brain would interrupt whatever I was doing and it would not let me kick this shit stained idea out of my brain.

Again, i've had the thought in my head, and i believe a lot of people in this world have it skate through their minds at a point in time but never really give it attention...which is a great thing, don't pay attention to that shitty thought..

But what I want to say, is after trying so long on my own to defeat this demon, this shadow on my mind, I realized I needed help. I cried and cried, told my family and roommates so they understand what exactly it is that's occurring.

I have never found so much relief in knowing people care, and haven't looked at me funny for my situation....
The joy it brings me to know my best friends are wanting to do anything in their power to help me, and my family..... is incredible.

I'm back on medicines and what have you, and things are slowly but surely looking up...granted this is a lifelong battle i've gone through since the initial zoloft prescription....

but what i want to say..... this is my very very first post on this sight and idk much about and i don't care....
but please....

If you are struggling...reach out, cry out... save yourself. Save your loved ones and ask for help.

Cry because it's real...
Scream, because it hurts..
Love, because it heals...
Laugh, because it brings joy.

this is the suicide hotline
1-800-273-8255

I don't know you, but if this reaches home to you, please get help.

I love you, you beautiful stranger.....
Don't let that dark cloud of rain block your sight of the rainbows.....again, much love...

Thanks for reading. It means alot.