#sublimesunday - The Naked Truth #1 (A Butterfly Sings)

in sublimesunday •  6 months ago

#sublimesunday

@c0ff33a has thrown this tag out there to give people an excuse to write or post whatever they want. I was recently on a show with @angelveselinov for Poets United. I read an impromptu erotica poem he had written and I realized I haven't written anything like that in ages. I did a whole book on here actually, which you can probably find by searching the tag #alifeinthesex or #lifeinthesex. Think the most I made was like 0.30 SBD so I didn't pursue it much after that. @katrina-ariel has got me all hot and bothered so we're going to test the waters and see what kind of audience is out there now. Love it or hate it, I'm asking for feedback in the comments, thank you in advance!

A Butterfly Sings


We all know how well butterflies dance
chancing the winds and putting us in a trance
following a rhythm only known to their souls
holding on to spiritual miracles untold.

So I watched and watched until I could watch no more
and I had to rest my eyes as they became somewhat sore
which heightened another sense and I heard some things
resembling faint sullen whispers of how a butterfly sings.

It got closer and closer, close enough to touch.
I dared not reach out, but wanted to sooo much.
Then a tickling sensation enveloped my being
as she opened up my weary eyes and I began seeing-

That this butterfly, was spreading her wings just for me
the dance was now a motion and we moved perpetually
butterfly kisses sliding up and down the thickness of my pole
wrapping her delicate tongue around before swallowing it whole.

Then the wings, the WINGS! Pink perfection of lust.
She said, "Fly with me." And we proceeded to fuck.
Each thrust a little faster, little harder, little deeper
until the world melted away and we became one creature.

She gently licked the tiny drops of sweat from my body,
watching a butterfly dance had ended up a little naughty
but oh so nice, such beautiful sultry wings!
I will be sure to listen hard - when a butterfly sings.

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I love this poem and the rhythm... Had to open a window... Got a little 🔥 in here.... Lmao
I think I've read something you wrote ones that was a little like this one and you write well.
Now I have to se what your book sounds like.

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Lol thanks hun, may use some of it as lyrics?

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You most certainly could 😉 badass lyrics..lol
Keep writing and do it your way cause it's working!

I really enjoyed this poem, superb structure to the rhymes. Although it got a little bit 😳 towards the end which caught me out a little.

A very different experience for #SublimeSunday, I can't really do feedback because I have no talent for writing myself - but I certainly enjoyed it, well put together and although surprising in the end - it was a good surprise!

c0ff33commentaimage.png
#thealliance

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You do have a talent, alow yourself to flow with the tide, trust me you will even surprise yourself, I started writing poems in 2010 today I've Mastered the art

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Did use nsfw as a tag sorry if it got ya unaware.

playboy_may2018.jpg
ooooh so sexy
all the sexy people know The Alliance is where we're at, lmfao

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Thats what i was going for was sexy ;)

@enginewitty,

The difference between Art and Porn is sometimes subtle. This poem aims for the former but achieves the latter.

A Well-Intentioned Critique:

Technically, the meter and rhythm are strained and many of the rhymes are forced.

I suggest, as an experiment, the poet rewrite the poem:

  1. Fixed Meter: Use a fixed meter (number of syllables per line). Don't go over ten (for an explanation, see my poem/article entitled, Raving Refrain." https://steemit.com/poetry/@quillfire/raving-refrain-poem-a-savagerean-sonnet-explanation-100-days-of-poetry-contest-day-5

  2. Switch to an alternating rhyme scheme (like abcb) instead of using rhyming couplets. Rhyming couplets bind together two lines ... abcb bind four. This increases coherence.

  3. Consider (this one's less important) alternating meter every second line (also explained in the aforementioned poem/article).

More sublimely, though, is the issue of subject matter and the manner of its expression. Although one could argue that, "Art is anything an Artist says is Art," you will find that the public-at-large does not concur. And, if earning more than a pittance is an objective of the Artist (and, despite the BS, it always is), this is an issue that ought be taken into account.

This poem attempts to combine making love with f...cking (it's actually not that bad, I'm being hyperbolic for the sake of making a point). Beauty and vulgarity. There is a time and a place for both (I suppose) but it's not in the same poem. These two ideas are incongruent ... indeed, they are not even plausible. Plausibility is the primary objective of any form of persuasive speech, including hypnotic suggestion (good poetry shares many of the same neurobiological and cognitive phenomena as hypnosis).

The only counterargument that could be made is an appeal to dissonance and discord ... the objective to shock the audience. For example, if you're trying to make an anti-religious statement, put a crucifix in a bottle of piss (real-life example) and call it Art.

But who believes that that is actually Art? Besides a handful of postmodern ideologues trying to persuade the populace that they perceive some transcendent truth that remains blind to the masses ... no one.

Art or porn. Choose. The one, negates the other.

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@quillfire

Art or Porn? depends on who looks at it.........

The society we live in now has made the human body taboo. Look at most old classic masterpieces and you will see naked bodies doing all kinds of things. Things that are and were Art but now by today's standards would be called porn if painted today.

We have become a very closed minded society.......who is right and who is wrong? it's for each one of US to decide.

This is not a crude poem, it has beauty written all through it. Just what I see and I AM know by many to be a prude.

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I suggest you not drop links on my post, but thanks for your opinion. I do value that part. I used nsfw for a reason. In my mind, porn is art, and there is both good and bad. As for pentameters, there is no fixed or better way, I majored in English. Some may be more aesthetically pleasing to another and some 'experts' may think their way is best. But moreover than anything, you said it yourself, art is expression.

You have been defended with a 47.92% upvote!
I was summoned by @enginewitty.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvote this reply.

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Solomon's Islands Dollars? WTF??? Ya, this was...no. But thanks for trying, you had the punctuation right in the verses.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

DO more and YESSSSSSSS do a reading with it it helps to bring out the real feel for the poem which I LOVE!

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Can do sis

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I agree... Don't stop do more 👈 and the reading would be Awsome!

WTF? Where did this come from??? This is not nsfw, this is TRUE ART!!! I have never read this kind of theme written in such an amazing way, this is beautiful, absolutely beautiful and you have blown me off my feet lol. Good job!!!! 💚💚💚

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Think I said "fuck", but I did a series when I first came here and some got down voted to Oblivion without the use of any 'obscene' words because I didn't use the nsfw tag. So, from prior experience, thought it was safer. And thanks love, glad you like it🤗

Well that wasn't what I expected, but oh, so HOT. I really enjoyed the play on words and the slow build up. I am feeling the heat from this. Nice writing.

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Many thanks to you :)

Phew. This is beautiful @enginewitty! The rhythm and imagery combine spectacularly- I need a fan after reading it 😍 I really do hope you write more- the perfect balance of delicate and sexy. E x

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Glad you enjoyed it sweets, check your other comment for another surprise😉