Trapped In An Overthinking Mind

Dark. Why is it so dark? I can’t see anything. Why can’t I see anything?

What is this constant beeping? It’s driving me crazy. It’s the only sound. Wait, no, it’s not. What is that? Is that the sound of me breathing? It sounds weird. And I think I can also hear the sound of machines running.

Why can’t I see?

The beeping is very regular. Almost like … a heartbeat? My heartbeat? That means I’m in a hospital! What am I doing in a hospital? What happened? How did I get here?

I remember having coffee with Anne … and then nothing. Did something happen? Something must have happened. Am I dead?

No, the beeping is still there so my heart must be working. I … are those footsteps? Those are footsteps! Someone is coming!

”I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones, your husband is in a coma. There is still hope, he’s not brain dead yet, but we don’t know if it will stay like that. The stroke was located in the brainstem and things could take an ugly turn very soon. He might even have a second stroke.”

Mrs. Jones? Anne was here! And the man speaking had to be the doctor. But … the doctor was talking about Anne’s husband. That’s me! I had a stroke? In the brain stem?! Oh dear lord, that is not good.

”How big are the chances that he’ll regain consciousness?”

”It doesn’t look good. Did your husband leave some kind of will that details what’s supposed to happen if a brain death occurs? Is he an organ donor?”

Organ donor? Of course I’m an organ donor! Anne knows that. But ... I am conscious! I can hear everything! They can’t take my organs now, I’d feel all of that! Oh my god, I need to signal them that I am still alive. They need to know I am still here! I need to signal them somehow …

Oh, I understand why I can’t see anything, my eyes must be closed. Maybe if I open them, they’ll realize something is wrong. I just need … to … open … my … eyes!

”Doctor! Did you see that? His eyelids just moved a bit!”

”Did they?”

The sound of footsteps indicates that the doctor is coming closer. I can feel his warm breath on my face as he bends over me. It smells like tuna.

Suddenly, a blinding light cuts through the darkness and makes me want to scream, but no sound escapes my throat. The doctor pulled up one of my eyelids and is now shining a light right into my eye. After the long darkness, this is really painful!

”Pupil reaction is normal. Let’s see what happens if I move the light a bit.”

As the doctor starts moving the light, I follow it.

”Incredible, we’re having a reaction! It seems like your husband isn’t unconscious after all. He might suffer from what we call locked-in syndrome.”

That doesn’t sound that much better if I have to be honest.

”You mean he’s conscious but can’t move at all?”

Anne had always known more about this medical stuff than me.

”Exactly. It tends to follow a brain stem stroke and leads to a complete paralysis of the cranial nerves. Usually, the patient can only move their eyes or blink. But that gives us at least the chance to communicate.”

I’ve managed to open the second eye by myself and can now look my wife directly in the face. She looks tired and it’s obvious that she cried a lot. Her eyes are red and her face looks slightly puffy. I want to hug her and tell her that it’s going to be okay, but all I can do is move my eyes from one side to the other.

Anne sits down on my bed and lightly puts her hand on my face.

”Honey, can you hear me?”

I blink once. Immediately, her face lightens up and she gives first me then the doctor a huge smile.

”He’s communicating!”

I love you, darling, but I’d hardly call that communicating. Then again, if it keeps you from harvesting my organs, I’m okay with this.

She gives me a kiss on the forehead.

”It’ll be alright, honey. We can fix this.”

I’m really not sure about this, but hey, hope dies last, right? Although it still dies.

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