The Kwiksave Chronicles of Slobberchops - Part One

This is a candid recollection of my memories working at Kwiksave (the now defunct discount supermarket chain) as a ‘Stock Lad’.

I wasted over FOUR years of my life in this horrible dump, and still wake up with nightmare's occasionally thinking I'm still there.

Some of the names have been slightly changed simply to save my arse in case anyone takes offence at some of the details regarding my facts or opinions. Many of the people mentioned are now dead as this happened so long ago, but their siblings are not.

This will be a multi-part article as there is simply too much to tell in one sitting. I hope you find it as entertaining as I found recalling it from my brain.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:KwikSave,Church_Lane-geograph.org.uk-_350688.jpg

A Prelude to a Prelude

I couldn’t wait to leave school. To have some money in my pocket was all I could think about. I did very badly at school and left with a single Maths ‘O’ level and college was out of the question. That was just more school to me!

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Munrospun_factory,Restalrig-geograph.org.uk-_1606910.jpg

In 1979 there were two work options for the uneducated; the factory or the supermarket. The factories I deemed to be ‘horrible places’ so I chose the latter and started working at Asda as a shelf filler.

This story is not about my Asda memories, and so there will be very little in the terms of content matter regarding this, other than to inform you that I was fired for eating a Dairy Milk chocolate bar while skiving in the warehouse.

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/sudeep1106/2737501007

Yes, it was stolen chocolate, and I was supposed to be working – not eating their chocolate while being paid to do so. They decided to make an example out of me and I found myself in the police station, jobless, having my prints taken plus gaining a criminal record to add to my floundering career and self-esteem.

However, this was not enough and Asda decided to press charges. I was summoned to court and fined £75. I still remember it all, and have subsequently not had any brushes with the law since.

It wasn’t really the best start for me. I had failed at school, and now was a ‘chocolate bar criminal’ trying to get a job. My parents were ashamed, especially my father who had pushed me to do well in my education.

It was now December 1980 and John Lennon is about to be shot dead in New York by a madman.

‘Thatcherism’ is taking its hold on Britain as the Conservative government attempt to fix the issues of a long age Labour government.

Britain is in the midst of high unemployment; this is a grim time. Just listen to the song ‘One in Ten’ by UB40, and you will understand.

@slobberchops is also now unemployed and browsing the job adverts in ‘The Job Centre’, Rawtenstall, East Lancashire, England.

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/dwpgovuk/15612611521

A ‘Stock Lad’ position is available at Kwiksave, which is located around 500 yards from my present location. I take the card to the uninterested attendant at the desk and she begins to quiz me.

‘Do you have supermarket experience’?
‘Yes’

‘Where have you gained this experience?’
‘Asda’

‘How long did you work there?’
‘Almost 2 years’, I exaggerated.., it was one and a half actually.

I can’t remember if the next question was, ‘Why did you leave?’
My response to this would maybe have been a lie.

Well I needed work…, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, right?

That seemed enough information. She proceeded to call the store by telephone while I waited; after a few minutes she simply stated, ‘Can you go to the store now?’

I respond simply with, ‘Yes’

Less than ten minutes later, I’m stood outside the entrance to ‘Kwiksave’ supermarket. It was hardly the Asda superstore I had worked at previously.

The entrance was smoothed stone, and probably had never been cleaned. Grime encrusted the doors, and they looked to have had heavy use. This place was not unused, simply overused and dirty. Customer in, Customer out, rinse and repeat.

Source: Still capture from YouTube

One inside, I passed a booze shop on my left, ‘LiquorSave’ and a carpet shop on my right, ‘CarpetSave’, how very imaginative?

I came to understand later that Kwiksave rented out part of its store space to other businesses that were deemed to not compete with its own products, rather compliment them.

The floor was black…, not exactly dirty black but some kind of asphalt surface. I walked maybe twenty yards; slightly downhill and to the left was an office with reflective windows, the type you can’t see into but the inhabitants can see you. I headed to the office and rapped sharply on the door.

A man opened the door. He looks were unremarkable, but I can still picture his features all these years later. A haughty visage, and ‘I’m the boss’ was written over his proud features. He wore a red jacket with ‘Kwiksave’ emblazoned on the chest area, right of centre. There was no trace of friendliness or hint of a welcome.

I can’t remember the exact specifics of my first encounter, but this guy wanted you to know he was in charge. His lackey was a similar aged man, with bright red curly hair.

I was shortly later to understand he was simply called ‘Carrot’ and he was the assistant manager, while David Mortenson was the haughty manager. I would guess both of them were about 22 years old. I was almost 18.

What ‘Carrots’ real name is, I can’t remember. Just that he was the guy you could actually have a conversation with. This was not the case with ‘Mort’ as I later was to find out.

Carrot was the one to interview me. We walked up the stairs, through what seemingly was yet another Carpet store to the canteen.

This consisted of a single table, two chairs, one window, an area to hang coats, toilets, a large tea urn, and a sink. To say it was dark, old, dusty and depressing would be very accurate.

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/electrowaltz/12801234523

I was given a form to complete. Name, Address, DOB blah blah blah.

‘Do you have a criminal record?’ was also a question. I thought about this and wrote’ Yes’. I guess I had 'some' moral content within me.

Carrot scanned the form, frowned at the ‘Yes’ and asked me what happened. I explained about my last role, with honesty.

He ripped up the form and gave me another.

‘Write No on this one’, he said to me.

I did quiz him about this, and he simply said, ‘We need someone, and you have the experience’.. Or words similar. This was December, retails' most busy month, I guess they were a little desperate.

I think I started the job the very next day.

Source: https://pixabay.com/en/shopping-cart-man-woman-running-3225130/

To be continued...

All stock photographs I have used are filtered as ‘Labelled for reuse’ or 'Labelled for noncommercial reuse' and the sources have been cited.