The Reminders: The End ( 6/6 )

The End

I walked on the streets trying to understand what I felt. I knew what I was getting myself into and it wasn't that unlikely for him to do what he did. Why did I feel so hurt now? I wandered for a long time and by the time I was home I knew I did not want to leave words unsaid.

Before I started to write the e-mail, I took a deep breath and focused on my reminders.
I need reminders a lot, things to repeat to myself, again and again until, like anchors, they find sand to bite into and keep me ashore. I know better but I'm also getting lost a lot and only by sheer will and discipline can I be who I want to be. I repeat: I am not lame for trying, for caring and for doing more. I am only honest to myself. I wrote:

“I'm sorry I haven't said anything more, you caught me unprepared..I decided to write because mind over anything, no need to act all cool. I like you, I really do and I'd have wanted to see you more but it's clear to me i'm not making you happy, or happy enough and I'm sorry I couldn't lighten you up..I can't imagine what did you want from me though, another conquest? another ego-boost? It wasn't sex for sure, nor affection.

I think you only wanted someone to be with you so you won't have to be alone in your empty apartament. It does not matter. I felt like a helium balloon around you, moving from here to there as you walked around me, both aimless and lost.
Please, try to be happy, life is short and feeding your ego is just bad investment of your time. You're smart and funny, you have a lot to work with, don't waste it wallowing in machoism. And if you ever want to talk about lame stuff, or serious stuff, or just...stuff, don't hesitate to write to me. I love these kind of complicated things, they keep me sane and alert. Hug you."

I re-read it after I had sent it so I won't lose my courage. It was so long and contrived that I doubt he'd understand anything out of it, I wasn’t sure I still understood anything. I felt suddenly extremely tired and went to bed. I shivered when my phone beeped but it wasn't him, I didn't expect it to be him but my heart skipped a beat. He won't answer, he doesn't have to, this isn't what that message was all about.

I know that everyone is free to do anything they want to. Even if that means I get hurt or cheated on, I can't hate them. I can't hate him. I can't, I only feel a rush of affection: poor them, poor him, having so many emotions and so much resentment bottled up. In the end, they'll realize how useless lashing out and using other people is, and how little it helps. I felt sad for him and the sadness snowballed into my heart and I felt sad for me too. I was just really really sad.

Love yourself and the rest will take care of itself. I know this by heart, it's the one advice I give freely and follow loosely. I know it to be true but I struggle.

Love yourself and the rest will take care of itself. I don't need him to answer, I don't need anything.
Love yourself and the rest will take care of itself. I know. I'm just tired.
Love yourself and the rest will take care of itself.
I love myself and the rest will take care of itself.

I squeezed the phone tight in my hand and stared at the screen until I fell asleep.