EcoTrain Question of the Week: "What is the greatest gift you have ever given or received?" By icmultitudes

On the Psychologically Burdensome Nature of Gifts

This weeks writing question, raises a topic that does not bring much happiness or good feelings at all. Not that I never received decent gifts or given them, that's not it exactly. But gift giving poses a serious personal challenge. I have practically given up on it. My daughters have noticed and that does make me sad. Gifts, both receiving and giving should be joyous. They should lighten one's load, at least in the moment, not feel like a burden. As it stands for me personally, gift-giving and receiving can be a very complicated and psychologically painful topic. Both because of the attempts I have made in my life to give the most perfect gift to someone I cared about and having it rejected as well as a number of times I have been a disappointed recipient.

The Burden of Giving -

I have decided to differentiate between charity, or other intangible interpretations of gifts and go for simple materialistic kind. Just saying that up front. But for the record you can file away that there is no better gift than the gift of time and shared experiences. I have so many people to be thankful for in my life who have made time for me. But that is not what I will focus on. Unfortunately, my immediate reaction to this question was anxiety and sadness, memories of disappointment and rejection. I'll start with the one time I payed a couple hundred dollars to get a musical instrument back in playing condition so that my husband would play it again. It wasnt perfect, or it wasnt enough, so he never did. He always talked about how happy he used to be when he played clarinet in high school and in college, so I wanted to give that back to him. It did not work. From my perspective I had had the most brilliant idea ever for the perfect gift and was so excited to give it to him. He just put it back in the case and never played it. Every time we moved and I'd see he clarinet case, it made me sad all over again.

Lesson learned- Be respectful and kind when accepting a gift and let the giver know how much you enjoy using the whatever it is no matter what.

The Burden of Recieving-

Another time he gave me a diamond necklace. It wasn't a super expensive one, but for us everything was expensive. It was small and a sweet design, but I had already had discussions with him early on in our relationship that I never wanted diamonds. I am completely against them for social, economic and environmental reasons. My courses in international development were full of horrific examples of the harmful impacts of the diamond trade. So it hurt both to realize he did not really ever hear me or believe me and it hurt to tell him I couldn't accept the gift. I offered to make a date out of taking it back together and going out for dinner and movie instead. But I think he was crushed and never really forgave me for that rejection either.

Lesson learned - To be a good giver, one must put some effort into knowing the recipient. Especially if the person is close family or friend and you have plenty of opportunities to know them well enough to have an idea of what brings them joy, or perhaps be aware of some item they really need.

Here's another failed gift account. I had a stepmother. Well, she's sill alive but she kind of disowned me years ago. She is very creative and for some time was really into making quilts. She made one for my dad, my half brother, some other friends, etc... They were all gorgeous. I so wanted her to make me one as well. More than that I wanted her to want to make me one without having had to ask. Because then I would feel that I belonged too. In the end, I came home one weekend from college, back then home was White Plains, NY, and after dinner I got called to the landing where their bedroom was. She came out in her bathrobe, stuck her arms out and said "Here.", while dropping a pile of colored material into my surprised hands. Then she turned around walked back into her room and that was it. I stood there stunned. Then I opened it to see the whole thing. It was pretty. The colors were a beautiful blend of blues and greens, nice pattern, but immediately I noticed it was about half the size of all the quilts I had seen her make for other people. Not big enough to cover a twin bed. Just decorate it. My heart began to sink. I know. How shallow of me. I know. And yet, in that moment I felt so crushed, so unimportant and unworthy. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes. What it boiled down to was that I felt unloved by someone I wanted desperately to care about me. She thought she had no choice but to give me something. Since I had asked. She had done her duty now could I please leave her alone. Her demeanor was so rude, unkind and insensitive, the opposite way to give something from the heart. But I did learn a lesson. There are good ways and not so good ways to give gifts.

I have more sad stories about gifts. But this topic is just too depressing. I don't want to write about it anymore, and I doubt you will want to read more. So instead I will leave off with a more positive example.

There was one gift I received from my family about a year and a half ago. Probably the best gift I ever received. I did have to drop major hints for years, but that year I also mentioned where it could be found and for how much, (relatively cheap) and boy would I ever love to have one... This is what I got for combination Mothers Day and Birthday.

I know. Fantastic. And this week I got to use it for the first time here in Colorado. It fits right in my car as long as there are no other passengers. For me, this kayak has provided blessed moments of freedom. Just the idea of it gives me the sense of potential freedom should I wish to claim it.

Go forth, do good, be generous of time and spirit, and material gifts won't matter too much at all. But a little extra chocolate never hurts.

Peace.

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