Rolling into Downtown Los Angeles, walking home from the metro after an event(GOT TO SEE PHANTOGRAM!!!!) They had been giving away free Clif Bars and I packed my coat pockets to the brim with them.

As I’m sauntering, tired but enjoying the mildly cold night air, I hear a woman screaming “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME SOMEONE HELPPP!” Being the dumb ass “hero” that jumps into these kinds of situations without thinking, I immediately run over at full speed to where shit is going down.

Overweight older man roughly twice my size in shorts, wearing socks with sandals and a hoodie is barreling towards a woman who has no shoes on, with her breasts hanging out over her shirt. She’s screaming, there is both spit and foam coming out of her mouth. “STAY THE FUCK AWAY” She hollers as the man closes distance.

At this point she is pinned at a street corner, the light red. Disinterested and cowardly passerby’s walking past while quick moving traffic is keeping her from being able to cross. I ran fast and am about ten feet away. “HEY!” I shout. The woman notices and makes eye contact with me. Now that I’m close I can see her eyes are bulging out of her skull, Her pupils are gigantic and that foamy substance is running like fine molasses out of her mouth. She’s zooted out of her mind.

“PLEASE HELP ME THIS GUY WONT STOP TOUCHING ME.” She pleads as she throws her body around, gigantic saggy breasts flailing through the air. I maneuver myself in between the two, with my back turned to the lady. “Hey buddy, she doesn’t want none, someone already called the police. Walk with me and no one gets in trouble here” I lied, in an attempt to diffuse the situation. He completely ignores me and instead starts to try to get physical in our direction, throwing his hands around wildly but not at anything in particular. Then I think I feel her nails stick into my back.

Instant, hardcore adrenaline and fear shoots through and stiffens my body with the same speed and consistency of a freshly deployed air bag. I come to the thought that I may have just landed myself in a trap. I side step and reassess the situation. Woman is still hysterical with fear, screaming incoherently as the guy is grabbing out towards her breasts. No trap. Phew!

Now that I’m no longer between the two, I think for a moment, stick my hands in my pockets, and feel the Clif Bars. A light bulb goes on over my head……

“My dude, you want a Clif Bar?” Immediately the seemingly mindless assailants eyes beam on, he looks over at me and says “oh HELL YEAH I want a Clif Bar!” I pull it out and hold it up high overhead. “walk with me buddy, let’s go this way.” We start walking away, breast bare woman shouting incoherently in our direction.

We walked about a block, woman can still be heard shouting but has moved on, dudes rambling about shoes and tits and the Clif Bar. I hand it to him. He walks in the opposite direction of her and I just stand there for a while dumbfounded at the absurdity of the idea that I just prevented rape with a Clif Bar.