Welcome to the final episode of our crowd-sourced Steem Wars parody, Chronicles of the Darths. See past episodes and more info at the bottom of this post.

The Chronicles of the Darths: Last call

(Image credit: Pixabay image by geralt)

To pick up where I left off, my crew was plastered to the back of the ship at take-off because I was in a snit and decided not to warn them to buckle up for safety. Now they peeled themselves off the back wall and picked themselves up off the floor and returned to their snickering. Evidently I, Jayna the Hutt, no longer commanded their respect. Or perhaps I never did. But now with my voice reminding everyone of Alvin the Chipmunk due to my hormone treatment, whatever pretense we had was gone.

“It hasn’t got any buttocks!” one said.

I looked around and said in my high-pitched voice, “Who said that?”

(Image credit: Wikimedia Commons)

The crew fell over themselves laughing, except for the one with the broken leg. He dragged himself off to the infirmary muttering something about a molotov cocktail, which sounded pretty good about now. I told them that if they had taken the time to read about me in Wookieepedia they would be far more impressed.

The planet Shabba came into view and several crew members, having heard about the hot and steamy inhabitants, fought over the transporter. I patiently explained the poop situation, and the fact that what they thought of when they heard “hot and steamy” may not match reality.

They ignored me and laughed some more. One drawled out a slow yell: “AL-VINNNN!”

For that I took a quick corner and then dropped a few Gs, so they all flailed, went air-borne and then landed with a satisfying thud. “Oops!” I said. “I had better pay more attention.”

As I veered down into the planet’s atmosphere, a few things became immediately apparent. Both Ani-Won's and Noont Ewan's ships were parked on the planet and completely covered in poop, so I couldn’t tell which was which. And my friends were all lazily hanging out on an outdoor patio outside the castle with the queen as if they had nothing better to do.

My recent intelligence was that the poo war, or shit storm, or whatever it was, had concluded. I always miss all the fun! Evidently they all had hot showers and here they were enjoying happy hour!

I brought up close-up images of them on my viewing screen. Ani-Won, dressed in a fresh pink tutu, was playing Boggle on her phone. The Queen was making goo-goo eyes with Darth Speed who seemed to be her new favorite, since Noont Ewan was too captivated by his music to give her enough attention. Ewan wore his headset and was doing this head-banging thing. I mean he was literally banging his head on the table. But I have to say, he looked happy.

They all seemed to be quite content, sitting there in the sunshine and drinking the traditional Qluegnishea pee tea.

What they couldn’t see, however, was the gigantic army of Qluegnishea sneaking up on them from the other side of the castle, quiet as a Qluegnishea in poo. My friends were in extreme peril! They had been lulled into a false sense of submission. Or something. That double-crossing queen!

I turned on my extracommunicator and announced loudly in my Alvin the Chipmunk voice, “Call off your army, queen!” Ani-Won, Darth Speed, and the queen all fell over laughing. Ewan just kept banging his head. I really worry about that guy.

“Ani-Won! Get yourself under control and command the situation! You are in extreme danger! The Qluegnishea have amassed on the other side of the castle and are wading your way… very slowly.”

Ani-Won wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. “Alright, alright. Let’s do this.”

She and Darth and Ewan all stepped to the center of the patio. Then at the last minute Darth reached out and grabbed the queen’s hand, so I transported the lot of them up to the ship.

Meanwhile I executed the command to unleash Drano upon the land, and my crew (for unknown reasons) actually obeyed. Torrents of Drano emitted from my ship like… well, like Drano from a ship. The Qluegnishea fell to their knees, gnashing their teeth and crying as the whole mess began to swirl in a circular fashion around their kingdom.

Soon a massive hole opened up at the center of it all. The castle was the first thing to go, followed by the Qluegnishea and their poo factory. I pressed the Royal Flush button and down it all went.

The queen looked at me in a droll way. “Hmm,” she said. “For someone who looks like a cross between a troll and an oversized gecko and sounds like some kind of gender-fluid chipmunk, you’re actually quite powerful."

I bowed. “Thank you.”

“Hey,” Darth Speed said. “What’s going on here?”

Ewan, still listening to his music, found a table to bang his head on and Ani-Won assumed the controls, while the queen and I stepped through the sliding doors together. (Well she stepped. I basically slithered.)

We were ready for our next mission.

Meet the Darths:
@hispeedimagins AKA Darth Speed
@anikekirsten AKA Ani-won Kirsten
@Hazem91 AKA Noont Ewan
@Jayna AKA Jayna the Hutt

The chronicles of the Darths:
Part I: First Contact - Qluegnishea
Part II: When Steems Collide
Part III: Love Amongst the Stars
Part IV (this post): Last call

Want to know more about Steem Wars? Read the announcement, the initiation, and the call to arms, then check out the #steemwars tag to learn more.

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Thanks for reading! It has been fun participating in this silly endeavor! And yes, we probably will launch a new mission soon!

If you're looking for fiction and fun, head on over to The Writers' Block.