"Birds Suck" An Original Skit Written for SteemStar After Dark - To Be Performed Live Friday Night!
Howdy, Steemitizens of Steem!
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Lately, through the happenings of coincidence, or perhaps destiny, I have been called to return to one of my earliest writing passions: Dialogue.
Do you know my wife? You just may... Her name is @CarrieAllen and she's just about one of the most interesting Steemians out there!
This is us!
Carrie's been hosting an awesome little radio show for the Steemstar Netwok, called Mission Control Mondays.
A few weeks ago, we also started an Old-Timey radio serial show, called Space Carrie's Adventures in Space, written by me and performed by... whoever!
You can listen to EPISODE 1 HERE!
You can listen to EPISODE 2 HERE! Even more adventures than the first eipsode!
And guess what? Episode 3 will air tomorrow evening (12 am UTC) on Mission Control! Be there!
The Rest of the Story
Well, your amazing Steemian witness, @SirCork, felt that Carrie and my content jives pretty nicely with the Steem Starscape he is working so hard to create. Together, we all decided to go ahead with...
Steemstar After Dark!
Think of it as radio Saturday Night Live. I'm thrilled to once again be flexing my comedy muscles, but if we're aiming for two hours of hilarity every week...
We Need Your Help!
Seriously. I know you're funny. People tell me how funny looking you are all the time. So when you notice funny things, write them down into a cute little skit, because now you have a forum to share them on the radio and bring joy to millions of listeners.
To give you an idea of the kind of stuff we're looking for, I'll be sharing my scripts here!
***This is one such script. It will be performed at this Friday's show. I call it Birds Suck.
BIRDS SUCK
Two birds are soaring majestically through the air. It is a
Father, taking his eldest son for his first long flight, a tradition
Among the… whatever type of birds these birds happen to be.
DAD
Isn’t is breathtaking, Junior? Just think… If you were to fall
From this height your remains would be scattered over hundreds
Of square feet!
JUNIOR
That’s great, Dad. Makes me feel a lot more comfortable.
DAD
I’m talking KABLOOEY!
JUNIOR
Dad.
DAD
SPLAT! Forget about it!
JUNIOR
Dad! I’m losing focus, here.
DAD
Right. Just keep your head steady and your eyes on the
Horizon, boy. You’ll be fine.
[PAUSE]
JUNIOR
So why didn’t you want Mom to come with us?
DAD
Ah… Well, my boy, glad you asked. This flight has
Been a tradition for our kind for ages. Since the time
Of our Fore-Feathers, fathers and sons have repeated
This first flight.
JUNIOR
Whatever.
DAD
But that’s not all. I’ll teach you some important things…
Things that your mother wouldn’t necessarily like. You see
That dark blob on the ground, growing in the distance?
JUNIOR
Yeah, what about it?
DAD
That’s where we’re headed… It’s called a city. Craziest
Thing you’ll ever see. Basically a pile of people, machines,
Concrete and steel!
JUNIOR
Ewww. We’re just flying over right?
DAD
Oh yeah, we’re not gonna land in there. Well, I guess we should
Start with a little warm-up.
JUNIOR
Warm up for what?
DAD
You see that field of cows coming up? Well I see one cow
With a brown body and a white head. I want you to target the top
Of that cow’s brown head and give it your best shot.
[PAUSE]
JUNIOR
Give what my best shot?
DAD
You know! Let it fly!
JUNIOR
Are you talking about--
DAD
That’s right son! Shit on that cow! Show me what you’re made of!
JUNIOR
Alright, but you’re definitely right that mom wouldn’t like this.
SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY
Wow, it’s really taking a long time to fall…
DAD
[WATCHING] Could be, could be… It is! Direct hit!
Son, you’re a natural! I haven’t been so proud since
Egg day!
JUNIOR
Thanks, dad! And you know? That really did feel good.
Can we do it some more?
DAD
Absolutely we can, son. We’re almost to the city now. I’ll
Show you the most challenging targets! I’ve even got some
Trick shots perfected that I’ve been practicing over the years.
JUNIOR
Trick shots? Like what?
DAD
Oh, a bunch of things. For example, I can always get one
To go in sideways through this one apartment window if the
Wind is blowing just right. You’d think the guy woulda learned
To close his window by now…
JUNIOR
[AMAZED] Sideways pooping?
DAD
That’s right, my boy! You just sort of fling your hips like this
As you’re letting it go. You’ve got years to figure it out.
JUNIOR
Should I always go to the city for pooping?
DAD
Nah, no need for that, but you are going to want to poop
On things and animals wherever you are. It’s your nature, so why
Not poop where the people are?
JUNIOR
That’s a great point, Dad? But what do I tell Mom?
DAD
Oh, she knows what we do, but we just don’t talk about it.
It’s this whole weird thing. But I’m happy to join you for a
Poop-trip whenever you want, son.
JUNIOR
But where does Mom poop?
DAD
Beats me.
[PAUSE]
Alright, we’re up to the outskirts of the city. Perfect!
There’s a parking lot coming up.
JUNIOR
You mean the area down there with all those cars?
DAD
Yeah, you see that long red car with the rectangle on
Top towards the far side of the parking lot?
JUNIOR
Sure do, Dad!
DAD
Well that rectangle is called a sunroof, and it’s one
Of my favorite targets. See if you can hit it.
JUNIOR
Should be easy, since I could hit that cow’s head!
DAD
Don’t get cocky,boy! Coulda been beginner’s luck.
JUNIOR
I’ll show you…
SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY
DAD
It’s got tone. Could be… could be… It is! Direct hit!
JUNIOR
Then why did it disappear? I expected a splat or something.
DAD
That’s the beauty of a sunroof, son, They go inside the car.
You may not have seen the splat, but something got really
Nasty.
[BOTH LAUGH]
JUNIOR
So it’s just a hole in the roof of the car? It’s like it was
Made for us!
DAD
Yep! And they’re a really challenging target, because
Normally they’re moving. This idiot musta left his open…
JUNIOR
Lucky us! Right, Dad?
DAD
That’s right, son.
JUNIOR
So what’s next? I’ve still got plenty in there!
DAD
Me too, son, locked and loaded. Next we’re heading
To that green patch over there.
JUNIOR
What’s that? It looks like a hole in the city.
DAD
That’s a park. It’s where the people go to pretend
They’re animals living in nature. But there’s this one
Thing i want to show you
JUNIOR
Locked and loaded!
DAD
That’s great, son! Check it out. There’s a guy sitting on
A bench. To his left is a plate of chili fries. To his right is an
Open coffee. He is reading a newspaper.
JUNIOR
I see him!
DAD
Your target is the middle of that newspaper. Go!
JUNIOR
Okay, here goes!
SOUND FX - BOMBS AWAY
DAD
Could be, could be… It is! Oh that was perfect, son!
JUNIOR
It splattered onto his food and his drink! Did you see it Dad?
Did you see it?
DAD
Of course I saw it, son, I’m right here. Like I said, you’re
A natural. But here I am, holding it, giving you all the good
Ones.
JUNIOR
You’re right, you should do one!
DAD
I’ve got it! I wanna poop on a cowboy hat! Follow me, son.
JUNIOR
Right behind you, Dad!
NARRATOR
And so, the two birds flew around for hours, emptying their
Little gizzards wherever suited their fancy, and forming a
Father-son bond that would last a lifetime. Always remember,
Birds suck.
Hope you liked it!
Join us on Friday night for a live performance of this skit and more on Steemstar After Dark! And if you have scenes, stories or songs that you'd like to have featured or read aloud, just lemme know! We need more material!
Where to Find the Awesomeness...
STEEMSTAR Discord Server
STEEMSTAR 24/7 Live Stream
Youtube Stream
Twitch
...Monday evening, midnight UTC, Friday evening, midnight UTC! See. You. There.
That is good!!! Ha ha. Where does mom poop? No one knows!!
This was absolutely hilarious. Hope you get some good father-son voices.
Thanks! I was actually thinking that the son would be better played by a woman :) But either way! Can't wait to see what y'all do with my stuff this week; I'll be working.
Well, this week was a sensation. I love the dialogue and your narration is hilarious.
I heard about this from @carrieallen on the Steemit Ramble Discord server. It all sounds like a lot of fun, I'm going to check it out when I can. :-D