Guns, Guns, Guns - Comedy Open Mic Round 29

Sorry about being all serious and shit, but here's another hot topic that's been bugging the hell out of me for years. It comes with its own vague, seemingly inaccurate info-poster type of thing, and a veritable trove of real information, theory, and emotions that are meant to sway you to my way of thinking.

It jams a lot if you use cheap rounds.

Before we get going, I want to say that I am a gun owner. I hunt, shoot skeet, and target shoot. I love guns, and I truly enjoy going out to a gravel pit with Jake and Daryl to blow off a few boxes of shells. I also love heading for the woods with the Larries to maybe get a few grouse for the freezer. I haven't done either in a few years, but I really do enjoy it.

Okay, now for the probably wrong meme. I guess I can't say it's wrong, but it sure isn't from this year.

Click here to see some more outdated firearm-related death numbers

My friend JC wrote and drew up a great post on the subject, after Sandy Hook, and it got me thinking a lot about it. I wonder exactly where I do stand on the issue. I like hunting, and I own guns. I say that as long as you're a responsible gun owner, hunter or marksman, it should be perfectly fine to own a hunting rifle or a shotgun, because you safely store them, locked up tight like the law says you have to. You are also an ethical person, and would never use those guns to harm a human being, so why shouldn't you enjoy them?

Paul's was in a nice, wooden, velvet-lined box

Growing up, my stepdad, had a pistol. It was a Peacemaker replica .22. We would use it to shoot rabbits in the live trap by the garden as it wasn't as noticeable as a rifle. This was back before gun safes were necessary, so putting it in a locked box in your closet was acceptable.

I was fairly perceptive, so I knew where the keys were for it, and the other guns. I never unlocked them without permission, because we were taught from an early age that guns were tools, not toys.

When Paul died, he left me his .270 semi-auto. It's a great rifle, and I might use it one of these days. I might not though, because it's in Ontario and I haven't renewed my possession and acquisition license in years. I don't deer hunt anymore, but I guess I'd take the rifle in case I see an elk. They are very yummy.

My dad gave me my Wingmaster 12 gauge for Christmas when I was 15. It is the most perfect gun that I've ever fired. The stock was cut down, and fits my stubby arms to a T. I got my Cooey .22 from Paul when I was 16, and Larry sanded down the stock for me. It was made in Cobourg, at the Cooey factory where my Great-Grandfather worked, so it has a great deal of meaning.

So perfect for me, and never misfires. Knock on wood.

I also have an RCMP Centennial model 30-30 that my mom bought for me when she worked at Winchester. I couldn't have been very old. It's shiny with brass all over and it's never been fired. It's beautiful. They all are.

To me, anyhow.

Maybe a little flashy for hunting, but still a nice rifle. Model 94 is one the best selling rifles of all time.

The problem is that not everyone is responsible, and just because you passed a course that's designed for you to not fail (or was when I took it 30 years ago), doesn't mean that you are safe to own or handle guns. Accidents happen, maybe you go for a drive and blow a hole through the floor of your company truck(true story), or maybe your kid finds the keys to your gun safe, and decides that now's the time to exact revenge for the world treating him like a piece of goat shit since he got caught pulling his pud in the school washroom.

There are far too many possible scenarios that can go wrong here. Even if you are a super-safe, top-notch firearm owner, there is always a chance that someone will get a hold of your guns and use them negligently, or for a crime.

The long and short of it is that my guns mean a lot more to me than just a killing tool. Every time I clean them, hold them, shoot them, or just talk about them, I think about Mom, Paul, or Dad. They are all good memories because nothing bad ever happened to me.

It's also true that I don't need my guns. If I want to hunt I can use my bow. I think that muzzleloaders or single shot rifles and shotguns would be okay too for the folks that feed their families with wild meat because you get the range or the spread that you need, but you'd spend so much time reloading, that it wouldn't really be very effective for a shooting spree. Semi-autos and other high magazined rifles and shotguns are great, but I really don't see a need for the average person owning them, along with handguns.

Well, I think trappers and guides should be able to carry a handgun in the bush, at least where there is the danger of getting attacked by bears. Then again, maybe they shouldn't get to have such an advantage. After all, they are the ones that are out there battling nature. Maybe nature should have a fighting chance.

I do see that they can turn a mentally ill person into quite an efficient killing machine though, so I don't think that they should be available for the public to buy.

The fact is that it doesn't matter what way I lean, or whether the government revokes the right to bear arms. If someone wants to kill a shitload of people at once, they will find a way to do it. If they can't get guns, maybe they'll use homemade explosives. They'll do something because they're sick. This isn't a whimsical thought that just happens into their head for a second. They have time to think while they are going through the planning and execution stages. You don't just wind up at a school or a theatre with a bunch of guns and say, "Fuck it. I'm here. I have the artillery. Might as well kill some motherfuckers."

Or maybe you do. I really don't know, and I hope I never find out.

Speaking of explosives. Why aren't people up in arms that they can't just go buy claymores or grenades? In general, folks don't seem to mind that, but they sure take offence/defence to someone wanting to take away their automatic rifle with the 50 shot clip.

I nominate @drmake and @arseniclullaby to participate and you can find out more by clicking on @comedyopenmic and going to the latest round post. I would put 29 in, but I think it's almost over and then you might be mad at me for giving even more outdated information.

Run, take the money, here’s a bullet for your boyfriend, guns, guns, guns,