Fuck You, Squirrel Comedy Open Mic Round 27

Plink, plink, clunk

Something was landing on the metal roof above our bedroom.

Fuck. Not this shit again.

Our first year here, we heard these same sounds. Usually they would start around 4 AM or so. Thunk, clink, plunk.

I went outside to see what was making the racket and was surprised to see a red squirrel at the top of the spruce tree, throwing the new spruce cones forty feet down to the roof and ground.

It was the damndest thing. He pulled every cone off of the branch and chucked them down. He would then move to the next branch and do the same thing. I started to count the branches he had left.

Fuck me. That's a lot of cones. That was also three years ago. That day was hell, with the waking up, dogs going bananas, and the squirrel egging them on.

I did what I had to do, to keep my sanity.

I bought a slingshot and some ball bearings. My friend Aaron came over as I was unpacking it and he took a few shots. I think he got the varmint on the tenth try. It was dead instantly.

Then came more squirrels. Running around on the house, tormenting us and the dogs, and generally being a nuisance. I also think they were setting up shop in the eaves, but I can't verify that now. I started shooting at them with the slingshot but I didn't possess the accuracy that Aaron did. I also started to worry about these ball bearings falling from the sky into people's cars or eyeballs. We do live about thirty metres from the grocery store and medical clinic.

I wasn't too worried about hitting people going into the clinic. I mean, there is a doctor right there, and an ambulance if it was more serious than they could handle. The grocery store though. That wouldn't be cool to come out with your T-bones and mushrooms, all excited for the delicious fucking meal you're about to have.

All of a sudden... THWACK. Your fucking eyeball is out.

No sir, not on my shift.

I did what anyone else would do. I went to the hardware store and bought a plastic air rifle for $90. It was the only one they had and it was pretty cheaply made. It did the job though. I was murdering squirrels like they were hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

At that time I was throwing them in the long grass over the fence. Out of sight, out of mind. Those people never came around to check out their property anyhow.

Then one day I heard an engine start up out back. I went and saw what seemed like an alcoholic skeleton pushing a lawnmower through the two-foot high grass. It wasn't working very well. When he saw me, he shut it down and started walking over.

He was talking about how the district had told the company they had to clean up the dry grass because it was a fire hazard and he had been called to come and do the job. He figured that he hadn't brought the right equipment, but he was just going to keep lifting and pushing through the jungle.

That was until he saw the squirrel graveyard. He asked me what it was, so I jumped the fence and pretended I didn't know how all of those bodies in different stages of decomposition, got there. Needless to say, that was all the reason he needed to pack up, grab a jug of gin, and ride off into the sunset.

Wow, I really got away from myself there.

Anyhow, Blue and I went outside yesterday to plant the new apple tree. He kept watch in the spruce and I was mixing the cowshit with the compost and eggshells.

Chunk. A cone nailed me in the head. I looked up and saw the little cocksucker whipping them down at a coked up rate. It was like the Plinko game from Price Is Right, bouncing from limb to limb and hitting Blue or I. They never hit Gerri though. I think she pays the little fuckers off.

I was going to let all of this go until later when I was trying to fix the chipper. That prick came down, sat on the birdhouse and started chattering right in my face.

He was three feet away and I was tempted to whip the screwdriver at him but I was afraid it would take out the neighbour's shed window or something. I told him that if he didn't stop, I was going to go buy a pellet gun and kill him the next day.

Crappy Tire was having a sale!

This badboy was regularly $159, but was on for $99 and it included the scope. We actually went that night so I could do murder in the morning but first I needed to sight it in.

I probably looked ridiculous shooting a board on the front lawn in my robe but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I got it sighted in pretty tight. Now it's killing time.

I put on some shorts and went into the backyard to wait for him, but he never came back out. Gerri said that he probably saw how good of a gun I had and moved to another yard but I figure she tipped the bastard off.

She's always rooting for the underdog.

I'd like to nominate @jonny-clearwater and @berniesanders to throw a little stink on this here contest. You can find out more by checking out @comedyopenmic and looking around this place. Also remember what the good book says about coveting thy neighbour's robe. Just don't.

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