Deep down, I still believe I was punished to have such a childhood … {Part #3}

To continue, I will quote the last words of part #2 : "So ... surprise, because of a wrong rachianesthesia the nerve of my spine was damaged; I had to take a lot of pills to increase the strength of it, all kind of exercises but not sport ... the main idea was to "be a good kid" but in some other way......to be continued."

 
Click to read Part #1 & Part #2

After a lot of injections, different kind of treatments, movement therapy and all you can do in a slow motion, suddenly I felt no pain! It was all gone!

 

I was quite a peaceful, shy and happy kid. Never talked without a reason, never disturb or ask something. The city where I started living again have wreck it all. It was just like a wilderness were you have to learn the basics of surviving. I became to be gutsy, started to say "NO" to my parents, to disobey. My parents made the decision to move to another neighborhood were was more peace and away from the wilderness. Said and done. We moved to a very nice block, with garden in the back, with children with the same age as me. There I got back to who I was, but worse. I was too shy, to peaceful. My parents, in a way, changed my because of the move, I was just getting used to the whole drama-move from there to there and suddenly right in the moment I befriend with some of the kids we had to change the place again. Here, I was bullied, everyday, every second when I wanted to play, to stay with the kids from the block. I was to "stupid". Often named "Olive" from Popeye the sailor man, or "skinny biscuit" and some others ... they looked the same, but I was the "new one". My parents did not knew what was happening for some time, they started to ask me questions when they saw that I was not using the front door when I wanted to go out, but the back door. My siblings would calm the kids because they saw how annoying they where with me, but nothing changed ... until one summer, one final summer when all it end.

 

 

I never cared that I had those problems so much, I wanted to play, to laugh and live every second. Of course the doctors said that once an year I had to to Bucharest for some heart tests, and I did, every year, every summer, until the doctor said that I am OK and by time the last whole in my heart will disappear.

 

In a summer, when I was 15 years old, my body started to change, to become a young lady, I started to transform myself and of course my self-esteem was up to the ceiling. I was feeling so tough, and that was how I act! Every girl who bullied me took some punches from me, just to make sure they understand I am not that little stupid girl. The boys ... started to flirt, but I was too good for them.

 

In that summer, I started modeling for good, I worked so much, I participated in every hostess job, fashion show (Summer Fashion Festival when Fashion TV was here), even in beauty competitions. I changed, I knew what life meant, I know what means to struggle and that was my moment! My parents gave me the freedom to work and do what I wanted, they trusted my actions.

 

My first fashion show was when I had 11 years old, but nothing so important, in this time I made a lot of photo-shootings just hoping that someone will notice me - remember, I did not wanted to be a model, my family wanted.

 

This changing of mine did not helped me at all. I wanted to be popular so I became, I won the beauty competition from the prom, I would won every competition I entered and taking every casting I went to. I was working even in the winter. My surprise was that I felt no pain, not my heart, not my spine ... nothing! I was feeling perfect!

 

Gives me a smile when I remember how big was my desire to be expelled in the last year of my high-school; I would become something in tourism, I had to go through a very had exam : about accounting, I suck at math! It was impossible to pass it. I told my parents that I want to move to another high-school with no math or something similar as a final exam. Of course that we had a huge argue, but I did what I wanted! I had the money, so I found the school that I wanted, but I had to do 2 years more ... so I finished it when I was 20 years old, that was nothing, I passed the exams with no effort and did my thing in my way.

 

 

Of course I would argue with my parents all the time, the "good moments" expired, they got old and I got rebellious. They understood after 10 years that I was not doing something bad, I was reacting after years of keeping me in a jail or cage, it was my will to take the life in my hands because I could do it and I started this rebellion when they wanted to take the freedom again away from me, to keep me in the house for no reason.

 

I had some great times, traveled, fashion shows, feeling like a star, never felt sick, never felt tired, there where weeks of sleeping just a couple of hours, I was workaholic. I was sleeping just because I had to not because I needed to, eating in a rush all the time. When I was very young I said that if I start this road I want to hit the last level, to be an international model. It was possible, after I wanted to be in movies, possible even that ... when you are in other country and someone believes in you and have a great manager everything can happen.

 

But, not all is pink, not all is about glamour ... when you are on the stage no one cares if you miss home, if you are hungry, if you want something, you are just a puppet, they do not care if you are smart, you better be stupid so keep your mouth closed.

 

Why this eager to have my life in my own hands? Because one day, when I was 15 years old, I saw a pair of jeans, and I told my mum: "Mum, can you by me this pair of jeans, please?" And she said: "When you will have your money, you will buy it yourself." - smiling ... OK I said. So ... what continued was just her "push" to make everything that I could to buy a pair of jeans, and not only one. I have 76 pairs of jeans, I do not wear jeans, sometimes in the winter but 3 or 4 times, I love wearing costumes, even manly costumes.

 

So, because a start has to end, it ended suddenly. I started of course to have panic-attacks from nowhere, I would faint for no apparent reason, of course I had to stop working. I was so nervous all the time, I would argue with everybody with no reason, just because I wanted to. Nobody would understand me, I skipped the university classes so I did not finished my 1st university...in this time I was having a long time relationship, even that finished, I was in a 0 point. Had no future, no perspectives, no nothing. I stood in this idiot condition for some months, no job cause I could not handle the work hours, the boss, nothing, no having fun, I was just like in the childhood, a good kid staying by myself in my room eating a lot, watching TV and sleeping.

 

One day, a friend of mine told me that we should go, we should travel ... pfff, for me to leave the house was terrible, but I did it (I will tell you the whole 12 days travel story in another post - believe me, is about churches, demons, priests and anything that you could not think of, it was an unusual road trip).

 

When I got back, It hit me : I will start to read psychology! So I started to read all of it, registered for the university, I would understand all of it! Every term, every temperament, every situation, most of them happen to me so it was easier even to explain exactly the feeling.

 

Now I am here ... of course I skipped some moments, I will tell you another time, but the main reason why I wanted to write my story is to see that childhood can change you of course, every aspect of it, every moment, every trauma but not only the life and family educate you, but you too, you can decide what is good for you, what makes you feel good or not, what you want to understand or what you want to forget. I will never blame someone for my childhood, yes, I will think like I was punished in some way but maybe I was punished to end up here, taking care of kids and grown ups, to hear their problems, to help them resolve their issues, to treat with therapy the kids with special needs, to have patience to do it. Everything happens for a reason, is not just a quote, is the real truth. I do not have what I wished for cause I did not think that I will be alive today, going through a lot of health problems and traveling so much. When is my birthday, I thank God for what I have and do not ask something just to be healthy and do what I do for many years from now on.

 

My best friend is my mother, I remake my childhood with her and my father, if when I was small we never got to travel we did it with my car, we went in vacation by the mountains 3 times, in Moldova, in Italy, in Bulgaria ... and soon I will go in vacation with my mother in Italy again in the area Lago Di Garda. She is so funny and she knows to give great advice and to listen to you when you need..when I was a teenager never had to chance to do it, I was too stubborn to talk to her in that way.

 

Do not let the childhood ruin your future, make peace with your parents, you will leave in peace and harmony. Do not let the childhood feel bitter when you tell it to someone, find the beauty the happy moments not the bad ones to see it colored. Yes, you had a difficult time, almost all of us had it, but change the perspective about it, nothing can be too pink or too black, has at least 2 colors, like we have day and night ...

So what I am still these problem issues sometimes, I am alive! So what if I cannot do winter sports like I did (snowboard), I want to live! So what .. I am here and I am smiling!

 

Stop the bitter in yourself and go to your parents, talk to them, embrace your past and let it remain in the past. I hope, with my story, that you can understand you can choose your behavior, your destiny, you can change it from scratch and you can end it with no sorrow. You can make your father or mother your best friend like I had, you can remake your childhood.My father has the greatest jokes, and he is a great teller, you can stay for hours and listen to him. I have two great parents and I feel so damn bad that someday they will leave me and I can not agree with that, because now I know them for real!

 

So people, stop arguing and saying that they did that and this to you ... they did what they thought is good in that time. Speak with them, listen to them, forgive them because we will do something wrong too as parents, no one is perfect!

 

I send you lot of love and ... think about it, there is still time for some of you to restore what is damaged or in your opinion ... "lost"!

 

By they way, even at this age I am still a crazy one ... you can see it from the pictures. My inner child is awake and it will be all the time, I never want to lose him again!

{just me when I was 11 ... }

{me and my niece yesterday ..}

 

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