Kids brains are incredible. Always growing - always adjusting - always filtering per their experiences.

In a really weird way - they are "always watching you".

For you parents out there, how many times have you had the shocking experience that says "crap, they learned that from me"

I remember my youngest playing with a walkie talkie during dinner one time. I asked him to put his toy away (no toys at the table), and he tells me, without looking up - "Dad! I'm sending a text message"

Innocent - but the disrespect of 1. not putting the toy up and 2. not even looking up at me was shocking - the kid is sending a text message @ age 2 with a toy walkie talkie!

He Learned That From ME!

Kids are always watching. There is no moment as a parent that you can turn off the parenting function. You can take a walk and remove yourself temporarily from your children, but even that kids notice. Their brains are filtering in the experience, mostly sub-consciously and they are learning a mode of operation.

Do you like what you are teaching them?

Pretty sobering question. My question for you today is are you parenting from values or from behavior manipulation?

Take cleaning your room for example. I have a 9 and 7 year old that experience immediate trauma every Saturday morning when its cleaning day. The overwhelming task of picking up toys and putting our clean laundry away is like fighting piranhas. Early on, this created insta frustration in my wife and I. The task requires about 7 minutes of focus...maybe. What do we do?

Early on I was quite forceful in my tone and their need to buck up and do their job. This ended with behavior compliance, but an incredible lack of understanding of why. You see my kids were learning that to get something done you needed to be forceful. I remember seeing this, when I started watching my sweet 9 year old (she was a bit younger then) reading on the couch to her brother before bed one night. They are pretty comfortable and up walks the youngest (who is a bulldozer of a kid). He begins trying to force his way in to read with them. My daughter reacts with a rather forcible "Not right now Cole we are reading!" It was an incredibly out of context, emotional response that brought on a physical conflict as Cole was experiencing rejection.

Unfortunately, my daughter learned that from me.

She was responding to her younger brother out of what she learned from me. To get him to behave she needed to be forceful.

As my wife and I started noticing these things asking the question why (over the course of 6 months or so) we begin crafting the language of wanting to parent from values, and not behavior.

Our Saturday morning cleaning day has moved from grit our teeth and bear it - to now we as a family take care of our house because we want to be responsible. Our children have begun (for the most part - the piranhas still show up on occasion) volunteering for jobs they want to do. As a result they have begun taking on a value of responsibility. They are wanting to take care of our things, they are wanting to clean because they are apart of our family. Saturdays are now much more peaceful.

This is a small example. There are many places this comes about. Like sharing, most of us parents leading up to playdates are like "crap, I hope my kids doesn't freak out and hit a kid, or rip a toy from another kid". What would it look like if our parenting moved away from "you need to share!" to "hey what are some ways we can be a good friend at this play date". Again, trying to parent them from the value of friendship and not behavior compliance.

Parenting from values and not behavior is incredibly empowering and life giving for any kid at any age. Obviously you as parent help with age appropriate guidelines, but the point is behavior compliance to get through the day will not set up any kid to be powerful. Powerful kids learn values from their parents and their behavior follows.

Now, if you are thinking "I am screwing up my kid" we all have been there, and I feel the same way at times. Let me encourage you to use the value of repentance. Ask your kid/s to forgive you in your frustration/anger or whatever. Parenting brings out the worst in all of us. Our kids see the genuine value of repentance just as mush as our anger. They will and can take on that value as well.

Parents, lets stay the course - its absolutely worth it! Our kids are priceless and will be the future authors of history!

As always thanks for reading! Live Big today and Dominate Life!