This brand new episode will be coming at you LIVE in a matter of hours! Stay tuned for The Playhouse, tonight from 6-8 EST!

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Everybody loves #SteemMonsters battle action, but in the #SteemMonstersTavern, the monsters get to enjoy some much needed downtime. They can laugh with their friends, make fun of the White Splinter, and enjoy some endless free beverages!

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You've never been to the Playhouse!?

The Playhouse is the only sketch comedy show on Steem! We do all-original comedy material every week, and we invite the audience to join in the performances! It's pretty fun. @CarrieAllen is the one to watch!

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This week, we've got four new hilarious sketches, including a new Cat Ladies and this brand new episode of the Steem Monsters Tavern!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern - Episode 12 - "Pickle Heist"

by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Beginning and Ending.
DARTH BETA - The Beta Lord of Darkness… Not as awesome as original.
CLAY GOLEM - His clay needs to be coaxed.
GOBLIN SORCERER - Bartender, desperately looking for pickles.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The Original, Makes the mischief.
PEACEBRINGER - Duh. Brings the Peace.

NARRATOR
In the Steem Monsters Tavern, spirits are high. Literally. The Spirit of the Forest, the Haunted Spirit and the Feral Spirit are up on the roof, having some kind of serious conversation. They said “Spirits only,” so it’s anybody’s guess what that’s all about. The Beta Lord of Darkness is trying to enlist the help of the Clay Golem to repair a gaping hole in the floor, right in front of the bar. The Kobold Miner got carried away with his hammer last night during the monthly Steem Monsters Tavern Town Hall Meeting.

DARTH BETA
C’mon, Clay Golem! Could you just slop some of that clay down over the hole? It’ll grow back…

CLAY GOLEM
Of course it’ll grow back, but that’s not the point! Ugh. You just wouldn’t understand.

DARTH BETA
You’re probably right. I’m not very good at understanding things. I’ll bet the Alpha Lord of Darkness would get it, but I’m just the beta version. I mean, look at my puny little flame whip. It’s like a Twizzler with sparks.

CLAY GOLEM
Don’t beat yourself up, you skinny little demon. I’m sure as the Beta Lord of Darkness you’ve got plenty to offer.

DARTH BETA
You’d think so. But I really don’t. They just have me clean things. I’ve cleaned some nasty things. They call me Darth Beta. Frank told me to fix this hole. I was all like at least I’m not cleaning up Minotaur vomit again.

CLAY GOLEM
Who’s Frank?

DARTH BETA
Oh, he’s the Goblin Sorcerer that works behind the bar. He runs this place. He’s in the back looking for pickles.

CLAY GOLEM
Aren’t those the pickles over there on the bar?

DARTH BETA
Those are pickled eggs. The Spirit of the Forest loves them for some reason. So can you fix this hole?

CLAY GOLEM
Okay, but it’ll take a few minutes.

GOBLIN SORCERER [shouting]
Hey Darth Beta! Any luck with that hole? Freakin’ Kobold Miner doesn’t know his strength.

DARTH BETA [shouting]
I’ve got the Clay Golem helping with it!

GOBLIN SORCERER [shouting]
Geez, what do I pay you for?

DARTH BETA [shouting]
You don’t pay me!

GOBLIN SORCERER [shouting]
That’s right! Carry on!

CLAY GOLEM
It’s really hard for me to concentrate with all this shouting.

DARTH BETA
You’re just fixing a hole. How much concentration does it take?

CLAY GOLEM
You’d be surprised. I have to coax the clay. It’s quite a process. Haven’t you seen Ghost?

DARTH BETA
Not for a long time. Well, I’ll leave you to it.

ENTER LORD OF DARKNESS

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey, Darth Beta! Always good to see you, you scrawny little bastard!

DARTH BETA
Hey, Goldie.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You may address me as Your Majesty, Your Dark Highness, Your Evil Eminence, or Your Sinister Excellency.

DARTH BETA
Deepest apologies, your Sinister Excellency…

LORD OF DARKNESS [laughing]
Good choice. I’m just messing with you! You can call me Goldie!

DARTH BETA
Hehe. You got me good there, sir.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What the hell is the Clay Golem Doing on the floor?

DARTH BETA
Oh, he’s fixing a hole.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Why the hell does it look like he’s making love to the floor?

DARTH BETA
He said he’s gotta coax the clay. Have you seen Ghost?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Not for a long time.

CLAY GOLEM
Please, you’re all making it very difficult to concentrate.

ENTER GOBLIN SORCERER

GOBLIN SORCERER
I guess we’re out of pickles. I tried.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You need pickles? I can get you pickles.

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s just that there’s this angry little fairy that’s been hanging around the bar lately, and pickles are the only thing that keeps him under control.

DARTH BETA
In this day and age, you would call someone a fairy?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m pretty sure that’s what he is. I mean, he’s got the wings and the fairy dust and everything, so if you can think of a better way to describe him, lemme know.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Fairies. Always causing trouble.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Anyway, he goes by the name of Zander Foxwood. And you know what? I think he might be a Summoner.

LORD OF DARKNESS
He’s never summoned me before.

GOBLIN SORCERER
And he never will. He’s in the Earth Splinter, not the Death Splinter.

LORD OF DARKNESS
So why does he like pickles so much?

GOBLIN SORCERER
He doesn’t. He hates them.

DARTH BETA
We throw the pickles at him until he leaves.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yep. It’s turned into a sort of tradition. The nightly pickle throw. But tonight… no pickles. Where have you been for the last few days, Goldie?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I was staking out the Summoner’s Pub for awhile. I may have dug a tunnel that goes right into the basement of the Pub. They don’t have a clue.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That Tyrus Paladium (Puh- la-dee-um) hasn’t gotten in your way?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Nope. He’s actually the one who provided our intel. Apparently he’s fed up with the other Summoners.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, I heard. Last night in our Monster Town Hall meeting, we decided to accept Tyrus in the tavern. Barely squeaked by with a majority.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Well, you can trust Tyrus. First useful dude I’ve seen to come out of that Life Splinter.

CLAY GOLEM
You guys, I’m right here. That’s my Splinter you’re talking about.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What the hell are you doing down there, Clay Golem? It looks like you’re doing unspeakable things to the floor.

CLAY GOLEM
For the last time, this is how I coax the clay.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Haven’t you seen Ghost?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not for a long time.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Let’s just look away. What’s up with the Spirit Convention on the roof?

GOBLIN SORCERER
They won’t tell anybody what they’re up to.

DARTH BETA
They said Spirits Only.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m kind of a demon… which is basically a spirit. I didn’t get an invitation. Fine, I didn’t want to be part of their stupid club anyway.

GOBLIN SORCERER
So Goldie, you said you could get me pickles.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I sure as hell can! In the Summoner’s Pub, their kegs aren’t full of beer. Guess what they’re full of.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I have a feeling it’s pickles, but that doesn’t make any sense.

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s pickles! It doesn’t have to make sense. This is the Steem Monsters Tavern.

DARTH BETA
The Kobold Miner has a wheelbarrow we can borrow.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Go get the wheelbarrow then, you friggin’ moocher.

[EXIT DARTH BETA]

LORD OF DARKNESS
How’s Darth Beta working out for you?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I swear, that guy doesn’t have any skills. I mean, look at him compared to you.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I know. Boggles the mind little buddy.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Alright, we’ve got about thirty minutes until the time Zander Foxwood usually shows up. We’ve got to have the pickles ready by then.

LORD OF DARKNESS
This will be a pickle heist for the ages!

ENTER PEACEBRINGER

PEACEBRINGER
For the Ages!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Where the hell did you come from, Peacebringer?

PEACEBRINGER
A rallying cry reached mine ears! Dost thou needst the Peace to be brought thither with thee on thine quest?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Why are you talking like that? It makes me want to smack you.

PEACEBRINGER
Sorry about that. Me and the guys from the Life Splinter have been LARPing in our spare time. You know. Live Action Role Playing.

LORD OF DARKNESS
And that’s what makes you talk like a medieval tool?

PEACEBRINGER
Yep. It’s more fun than you’d think, but you’ve gotta really commit to it.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’d rather laugh at the people who commit to it.

PEACEBRINGER
Speaking of medieval tools, have either of you seen the Silvershield Warrior’s shield? He lost it again.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What color is it?

PEACEBRINGER
He told me you’d say that.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Check the roof. That’s where Goldie usually throws it.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yep. That’s where I threw it. But don’t expect to get up there right now. Spirit convention. Spirits only.

PEACEBRINGER
Whatever. Do you need me to bring the Peace on your quest or not.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Not. Let’s get a move on, Frank. Clock’s a ticking.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Here comes Darth Beta with the wheelbarrow.

DARTH BETA
Are you guys ready for the pickle heist? I’m so excited.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You’re not going, Darth Beta. Can’t risk it, such a high pressure situation, you know.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Plus, we need someone to stay behind and watch the bar, in case Zander Foxwood comes in early and starts drinking Red Bulls and tearing the place apart.

DARTH BETA
What if I just don’t let him have any Red Bulls?

GOBLIN SORCERER [laughing]
Yeah, good luck with that!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Let’s go, Frank. Time to steal some pickles from the Summoner’s Pub.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What a strange life we have.

NARRATOR
It’s true. You never know what curiosities await inside the doors of the Steem Monsters Tavern. As the Goblin Sorcerer and the Lord of Darkness make their way toward the secret tunnel to the Summoner’s Pub to steal a mess of pickles, the Beta Lord of Darkness attempts to begin serving the restless monsters at Happy Hour. Needless to say, without the Goblin Sorcerer’s help, he falls short of the challenge. Though the pickle bandits are gone longer than expected, they return just in time with enough pickles for every monster in the tavern to join in the pickle-throwing fun! Join us next time on the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - SONG

END

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