It's interesting how you can have such different experiences at different times in your life doing the same activity. When I got my bachelors degree I loved the entire experience. I learned so much about the world and grew as a person. When I went to graduate school to get my masters degree I can honestly say it was the best two years of my life. I attended a great masters program, met my husband, and left a better person than when I started.

That Darn Doctorate Is Another Story

I went into doctoral level graduate school excited to begin the final chapter of my education. It ended up being the worst three years of my life. You spend three years working for the college as a teaching assistant or instructor while taking classes. Once you finish classes you take comprehensive exams over everything you learned those three years. If you pass them then you can write a dissertation.

I Ended Up In The Wrong Program

The department's head had retired so the department had no leader. Graduate students were given no guidance or mentoring. At least four of the professors were nearing retirement and didn't care anymore. Their lectures were a joke and I constantly felt like my classes were a waste of my time. It was discouraging. I wasn't getting enlightened. I was just biding my time to get through it all so I could graduate.

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Then The Most Horrible Period Of My Life

The department hired a new department head my 2nd year of the program. She hated me. I have no idea why. For some reason she was always mean to me. I taught classes for the department. Each week said department head had a meeting with all graduate student teachers so we could talk and help each other. She came to all graduate students classes to give us feedback and she would always slam me as making mistakes. And she would do it in front of my fellow graduate students. Even if I did something good she didn't recognize it. I hated these meetings and my self-esteem was crushed. I loved teaching but even though I was doing a good job she wouldn't recognize my good work.

It Got So Bad I Stopped Coming Into My Office

I loved being in my office with all the other graduate students. I'd hang out after work was over all the time. After the new head started I began having anxiety attacks. I developed insomnia and couldn't sleep. I felt so horrible and miserable. I hated running into her so if I didn't have to be in my office then I went home. My classes sucked, my job sucked, and I burned out quick. My life was 24/7 about school. I went to classes, taught, did office hours, went to weekly grad. meetings, and then went home and did nothing but homework and grade papers. I lived and breathed school.

Comprehensive Exams: The Straw The Broke The Camels Back

Comprehensive exams were made up of three days of written exams and one day of orals. I studied for months. I studied every single note I took over the course of those three years. I've never studied so hard in my life. The written exams weren't bad. I'm a good writer and I knew my stuff so I had no problems. I'm an overachiever so I wrote long essays hoping to cover my bases. I passed written exams easily.

Then came orals....I went into a room with four of my professors and they all grilled me with questions. My anxiety was so bad I forgot everything I ever learned. I bombed. It was humiliating. I had to stand out in the hall while they deliberated if I had passed or not. I couldn't hear them talk except one bit about me being shy and they were critical of me for that. I wanted to curl up and cry. They passed me but it was one of the worst things I've ever been through.

As soon as they said I passed I got my stuff and walked 10 minutes home crushed mentally. I cried harder than I've ever cried before. I can't describe the psychological torture I'd been through that three years but all the stress finally came out with me bawling.

Can grad school give you PTSD?

I'm working on my dissertation right now and to be honest one of the hardest parts is having anxiety attacks. My dissertation advisor retired on me and the head of the department who tortured me is now my advisor. Working on my original research with her guiding me brings back so much mental anguish. Every time I sit down to type a new section to my dissertation anxiety hits me and I have to fight to keep it down. Every time I see I got an email from her I have an anxiety attack. When a friend or relative asks me how my dissertation is going...anxiety attack. I can't even talk about my dissertation with my husband. It's horrible.

I can't wait until I'm done and can move on with my life and never deal with that angry woman again.

Anyone else have bad experiences in college that broke your self-esteem?

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