Trickle Down Bootynomics

Trickle-Down Bootynomics argues for happiness tax breaks or other emotional benefits for women in order to stimulate relationship growth. The argument hinges on two assumptions: Both members of a couple benefits by him keeping that bitch happy; and women will redistribute some of the happiness to men. What actually happens is she winds up hoarding all the happiness and says he is greedy for wanting some too. At some point, the balance her happiness bank account becomes nothing more than bragging rights to other billionaires. Men invest everything they have into their girlfriend only to find they were the victim of a boiler room pump and dump. After declaring emotional bankruptcy and losing faith in the system, he becomes a pickup artist to make ends meet.

In the old days couples operated as a co-op. Both partners worked together to produce joy and divided it evenly. Between Polio and World Wars you saved what little happiness the two of ya’ll could scrape together so you could have a nice nest egg to retire with. In the 80’s, leaders of the Ancient Order of the Ovaries and the Ancient Order of the Testicles started a Cold War over who got the remote control. This would come to be known as “The Cold Shoulder.” Women argued that an unrestricted CapitalASSt market would spur more sex if they watched Designing Women instead of The A-Team, claiming the co-op method was too much like socialism. This was ironic because it was that time of the month, and her Red Army was invading.

The Ancient Order of the Ovaries started running a propaganda campaign to convince people that the secret to a happy relationship is to give a woman everything she wants, tell her she’s never wrong, and pander to her every neurosis. It sounds nice, but when put into practice everyone winds up miserable. Instead of adjusting the system, women doubled down on their demands. If the system didn’t work it must be because men weren’t producing enough happiness. Increased production inflated supply. Suddenly men were working harder for less. Love guru Noam Chomsky described this in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Baghdad” as predatory CapitalASSm.

Systems created by humans are consistent in that they start out with the best intentions, experience some growing pains, get sorted out fairly well, and then we all fuck it up because everyone wants more. It is dangerous to look at the past with rose colored glasses. Much like when you get drunk and start thinking about calling your ex, we tend to forget the worst parts and only remember the good ones. The Politicians like to wax poetic about the good old days when we had traditional values, but they don’t talk much about those values involving Jim Crow Laws and Asbestos. However, divorce rates have grown so much over the last couple decades that now people aren’t even bothering to get married in the first place. Most relationship advice these days will land you a genderfluid neurodivergent pansexual ham-planet with a buzz cut, not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Meanwhile, your grandparents have been married since the great depression and still hold hands. There are some things Trickle Down Bootynomics got rid of because they seemed archaic, but they seemed to work. Sometimes economic models need to be adjusted to account for overcorrecting.

"If it's stupid and it works, it aint stupid"

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Grandpa putting his feet on the coffee table doesn’t seem like the end of the world when they just invented the nuclear bomb and any day could be the end of the world. If grandma did start in on that shit, Gramps shot it down quick. It sounds insensitive, but fights were shorter and fewer.

Have your own shit to do. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt. Grandpa was working 80 hours a week and fought in a war. Grandma was no slouch either. It’s ok to not be shoved up each other’s asses all the time. It just means the time you do have is more special.

Co-op. Men worked to put food on the table and Women took care of the house. I can hear someone in Portland screaming “Patriarchy!” when I say that but it really doesn’t matter whose job was what. The important part was, everyone had a job to do, and they did it for the good of the unit. It was a matter of pride that grandpa could provide for his wife and she showed her appreciation by making the best cherry pie in town. Yeah, I’m talking about sex.

It is ok for men to be men and women to be women. Feminists will say this is patriarchy, but it’s been 50 years and Mabel’s granny panties still get wet when she sees Howard chopping wood with his shirt off. John Wayne didn’t wear skinny jeans and beg for pussy, and that’s how grandma likes it. Conservatives like to reminisce about how men were the head of the household and everything was better. That isn’t really true. Marriages were more like a Captain/ First Mate scenario. Captain Grandpa steered the ship but Grandma ran the rest of it. It wasn’t a control issue. They just acknowledged each other’s strengths and ran with it. If you ask a woman where she wants to go eat she’s going to steer that ship straight into the Bermuda Triangle. It’s ok to delegate someone to make decisions. It’s how every job on the planet works. Men got the job because they were more decisive, not because they had a penis.

"I don't care where we eat! Just pick something!"

The biggest thing geriatric couples do that we don’t anymore is accept each other, warts and all. After a good thirty years, you have to accept the person you’re with is the person they are always going to be. Grandma Mabel isn’t still trying to change Howard. If the old man does something embarrassing like fart on a kid at the grocery store she just shrugs and says, “That’s just Howard.”

Sources:1, 2, 3, 4, 5