What I talk about when I talk about...
Lets talk about sex...
Considering my most recent piece the next post will surely be about rock and roll.
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We better start slow...
The word sex comes from latin verb secare, meaning to cut. Thus, sex refers to the action of separating the male from the female population.
No problem there: something sexual is therefore something pertainig to the sexes, and something sexy was:
1905, from sex (n.) + -y (2). Originally "engrossed in sex;" sense of "sexually attractive" is by 1912. An earlier word in this sense was sexful (1894)
Sexful, I might just use that one in the future...
However, the euphemism to make love, was used not only to avoid such a crude term as sex in a highly puritain environment, but it also comprised the act of romance prior to sex. One can find an example of this in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, when two would be lovers were left alone in the drawing room by their families, because you could not 'make love in a room full of people'. This phrase is widely used in all western languages and has the same origin and meaning.
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Funny engough, there are two words of common use in Spanish that have a sexual double entendre: coger and tirar, literally to pick up or grab and to throw away or get rid of. Whereas in English the mostly used term is rather straightforward.
... Middle Dutch fokken, German ficken "fuck," earlier "make quick movements to and fro, flick," still earlier "itch, scratch;" the vulgar sense attested from 16c.). This would parallel in sense the vulgar Middle English term for "have sexual intercourse," swive, from Old English swifan "to move lightly over, sweep"
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Coitus, the more boring, even medical term, comes from latin and means to go together [co-itum], the most senseful of meanings, if you ask me.
'Cause, you know? Sex has gone through many bad and a few good phases throughout history. The ancients were pretty clear on sexual freedom. On medieval times it was advised that couples would not stop on the act of love until 'both vessels had reached port'. Meanwhile, our Victorian friends loved to act as if babies were produced out of thin air. A little later came freedom, then promiscuity, and then a lot of asexual culture ensued. After excess comes disgust, I say.
If you underwent religious education, like I did, all you learned about sex was most likely the anatomy, that you get pregnant through it, and if you do it before marriage or using birth control you'll burn in hell. Am I right?
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That sort of prudishness is what has caused sex to become the main way to ensnare people into buying things, from movies and music to homes and furniture. At the same time, in this, our age of freedom of communication and opinion, there's an overwhelming amount of men and women with sexual issues: from raping and getting raped, fearing sex, being oversexed, prefering porn or masturbation over sex, marrying fictional characters (for Pete's sakes), to anorgasmia and the entire, mile-long list of paraphilias. Not to mention that an alarming amount of books, medical authorities and women who treat pregnancy like a disease.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, sexual disorders appear in one of four areas: desire, arousal, orgasm and pain. They can have both physical and psychological causes... But I'm not a sexologist, that's why I linked to the experts.
One thing is true, though. The amount of pleasure we enjoy is proportional to the amount of pain we can endure. So, chances are if you go around life working hard to get numbed out of feeling anything, you will probably be found wanting in bed.
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The degree between sexual pleasure and pain is so fine that we often hardly know the difference. A phenomenon in my eyes. I think when you look at people doing sexual acts, it's obvious that their ecstatic facial expressions are barely distinguishable from those that feel physical pain. Or even more, you can feel it when you yourself experience orgasmic moments of great intensity.
As enlightened and free-spirited as I wanted to be and want to be, I also realize my imprint, which is clearly Christian. It is almost impossible to arm myself against it and I had moments in my life when I clearly felt that my judgment about sexual practices came from a source that I was ambivalent about. For example, when it comes to monogamy.
Perhaps I break it down to the truth I see behind it when I say that I bring trust into a relationship. A relationship between my man and me must not be determined by emotional and financial dependence when fear is the dominant factor. I have recognised this in the course of my life, precisely because we have ethnic information from other peoples that are, for example, matrilineal. There are no spouses, but only men and women who are attracted to each other (sexually and emotionally), but where the pregnancy and raising of the children is not done by the fathers, but by the brothers or other male relatives of the women who give birth to children. This means that in case of separation of this man and this woman who conceived a child, nothing changes for the descendants because they remain in the motherhouse. A very intelligent form of being together, I think. To put it casually, it says: Everything can, nothing must. This form of society takes sexual instinct into account, just like the result of pregnancy. But it does not condemn people to remain in another sexual and emotional relationship forever. Relationships can last a lifetime or not. The men who enter into a relationship with the women are, so to speak, visitors in the mother houses, so we speak of a "visiting marriage".
I have always been opposed to monogamy because it seemed to me that this form fostered certain dependencies and had less to do with human than with sexual fidelity and vested interests.
Nevertheless, I lived predominantly in monogamous relationships, because this corresponds to my Christian heritage and the morality of my society is clearly to be found on the side of conjugal fidelity. Having affairs is considered infamous and fraudulent. I cannot completely free myself from it. But I always ask myself: What is actually hurting there and what is being hurt?
Fuck is a really emotionally charged expression. It actually violates the moral feeling because it has become so connoted.
For me, the fact that we are so ashamed of our desires has clear civilizing influences: you shouldn't devour your food greedily, you shouldn't sexually expose yourself in public, etc. Here we find a lifelong conflict between the biological possibility of fertility, sexual highlights in the life of the sexes and the meanwhile predominantly rejected sexual commercialization of sex.
When I was much younger, I was much more liberal and less moral than today. This is certainly an error in itself, in that I should not describe it as moral, but as a phase in my life when sexuality is rapidly losing its meaning and something else takes its place or should ideally take its place: Trust in oneself.
Moreover, for me the sexual desire I once felt is now so distant that I can hardly comprehend it. The phase of experimentation, adventure and carelessness lie behind me. I have often heard that women of mature age rediscover their lust. I don't necessarily belong to them. But since I am still alive and hope to continue to do so for some time to come, it is not yet evening every day.
Your approach to a topic now results in this long comment. You give valuable impulses to dedicate yourself intensively to a topic. As always, I like the background research and your food for thought.
I agree completely. I sometimes discuss this subject with my husband, how I am open to understand that he feels sexually attracted to other women and hope he understands the same in me, we even discuss the possibility of bisexual attractions. However this is far from leaving the realm of theory among us, as I recognize very well whenever he feels jealous and consciously avoid situations that might cause this, because I know it hurts. I understand that jealousy can be translated into: "I loathe this person because he/she is just as good as I am, but she does me better than I do myself" like two different actors playing the same role.
My husband and I spoke of a girl he felt attracted to while I had just realized I was pregnant. He met this woman in social situations alone, while I was on a trip, and I knew there had been sparks between them but said nothing. I felt that he could go with her and leave me and I wouldn't mind, I actually felt like I could regain a lot of lost freedom, even with a baby coming. Not long ago, last year, we spoke about her and how it was obvious he liked her and she wasn't indifferent (plus, she had the MOST interesting name I have envountered in a female) and I doung her on facebook. God, she was gorgeous. And I hated her for it, but that hate was for myself, because I didn't care enough about my looks to pose for beautiful pictures like she did, or fix my hair and smile more often.
So i fixed that, and I am no longer jealous, at least not of her.
I'm looking for a long-caged female sexual energy within me, I'm trying to set it free.
Jealousy is a rather immature emotion in man, I think. I am not free from it either. But this has not been a painful aspect of my life and will not be any more. We all feel that we are occasionally attracted to someone and it is probably the unknown that attracts us, the new thing about an encounter. An attractiveness that made me think about fidelity again and again at a young age. I must confess that without occasional infidelity I would not have lived out the sexual energy you speak of. I would have stayed with what seemed safe to me. In addition, I thought that no man would have a claim on me and felt stubborn resistance to engagement and marriage.
My first long-term relationship was an experiment in living together and getting to know each other, but sexually I felt trapped. It was not until the 30s that I began to venture further forward and to explore and fathom my femininity better. It was a very exciting, albeit selfish time, if you will. I suspect that we modern people need much longer to mature. On the one hand, I am happy to have given in to my thirst for adventure and to meet a man who wanted to experience this adventure together with me. For this we paid a high price and we injured other people. The moral construct in which we live cannot be ignored. But at times I also thought that I could have affairs without having to feel guilty, like Benoîte Groult did in her books.
The fact that you and your husband openly address these issues is of great value. We do the same and it helps us to stay authentic. I am amazed that you would have wanted to raise a child without your husband. This is very unusual because motherhood is initially also vulnerability and need for protection. At least that was the case for me. I wanted security. Only later did I question this need.
With everything I think, it is not a matter of pleasing someone, in the sense of complaisantly presenting oneself. It is, as I experienced, the unconditional acceptance of each other. The dropping of all masks and reservations, the will to surrender oneself totally. To do this, women need men who are curious about the female sex and want to give them the greatest possible pleasure. To take them beyond the top of what they didn't know could be any further. I think a man must completely forget his own desires and turn to the woman in so far as he provides her with all the craftsmanship and orchestral talent he is capable of. Without this masculine virtuosity both will have no ecstatic moments and will always remain below their possibilities.
I was never out to give pleasure to a man, but always assumed that my sexual pleasure must be sufficient for both. This has been confirmed and I have never experienced greater joy in being together between man and woman as with my present man.
His unselfishness finally brought him the greatest benefit in his sexual experience. By "forgetting" himself (his own needs), I could also forget myself. I admit that I see my female body more as an instrument that wants to be played skillfully than as a player. I am the receiver and by receiving unconditionally I give the greatest of myself.
Does that make sense to you?
I hope you are going to uncage your sexual energy to the fullest.
It makes a lot of sense, I feel the same way.
I am currently in my thirties. I graduated from my twenties with the birth of my child. I have never felt protected by my husband, I am the provider of the house and honestly most of the time I behave like a single mom with two children, one thirty years older than the other. It is not fair to my husband that I treat him that way, but I do, is part of who I am: the I-can-do-it-myslef-just-fin-thank-you-very-much woman. Sometimes I do crave it (protection) and sometimes I do need to feel swept away from my own feed, I need a man to take charge. I have small infidelities in the shape of smiles and looks that say it all between other men and myself, speaking without words, but never touching, and this gives me huge sexual pleasure.
I had my shots with real infidelity, and I didn't feel guilt either, but at one point I came clean to the man I was with and I had never seen such a rush of tears. It made me pity him and the thought of his reaction kept me forever onwards away from letting another man touch me. I even developed fear at thinking about other men, because I though he would find out somehow. I developed a terrible paranoid state for many years and only recently I came out of it.
I wonder how old you are, because you sound so young. Like someone in her twenties with a soul in her fifties. It's very helpful to discuss these matters with sober and mature people. The women around me in the physical world would die before admitting they are sexually attracted to men other than their husbands, and some of them even to admit they experience sexual desire at all.
Very interesting what you say.
Oh, my age. I am turning 49 this March.
Right now I am busy and cannot answer in depth. Maybe I'll come back to you later. But this inspired me and I wrote an article about this topic:)